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Unexpected & Unplanned

NAS75473

Hi, 

I'm looking for some advise on how to deal with a situation I'm in, I really struggle when things are not planned or even sometimes if they are planned it can be difficult. 

So the other day my in laws decided to just turn up at my house whilst my partner was out, nothing was planned. I said you can't turn up like this without planning it in advance they said don't be stupid and preceded to enter my house they brought there 2 dogs and my partner arrived shortly after. They are aware of my needs but seem to ignore them my issue is they've since been talking behind my back to my partner saying that they don't want to talk to me again as I'm rude and they seem to think you shouldnt have to make an appointment or plan to come and see us. This whole situation has been causing me anxiety and having been able to focus. 

I've tried reaching out to them explaining my situation and they are not interested unless I apologies the problem is this may and probably will happen again as 99% of my days are planned and routine so apologing may fix it now but not in the future

What would be your advice to approach this situation? and how to respond? 

To add I am not good speaking to people direct I usually need someone on behalf like my partner although she doesn't want to. 

  • in reply to Jess

    If anyone comes to my house without me expecting them i panic, even the postman or meter reader. I always have to checck, look out of the window and if it's someone i don't know, i'll even behind the couch until they've gone away

  • I'm really sorry you have to go through that. If people turn up at our house and did that I wouldn't be happy either. Imo it's good manners to ask to come in and also knowing how you feel they should call first. My grandparents always call to make sure I'm in a good place before they visit. Really your partners parents should be more understanding of you and how things affect you. I'm sorry they treated you like that.

  • in reply to Kitsune

    I wouldn't like to say they disregard my needs but I think it's more ignorance. But it does happen quite regularly it can be little things or big things (big thing been this).

    An example of a little thing that is quite regularly. Me and my partner or out shopping and they may be with us and my partner wants a scented candle and she has to check with me if it's okay because smells may me overload, or the thickness of bedding. There response is never heard the likes of it.

    I don't know how to get a long I feel backed in a corner on 1 hand my partner has become supportive at home but when her family around she's told me she doesn't want to pick side which I can get behind, but really feel like my partner needs to be the meditator? 

  • Hi! Sorry that you’re experiencing this. This would bother me too, if someone turned up at my house unexpectedly, and expected me to entertain them. Personally, I’d have thought it was good manners to check with someone that it is ok to visit them, after all they might be busy or not even at home. I find it a little concerning that your partner’s parents are unable to take your perspective into account. Do they usually accommodate your needs, or do they regularly disregard them?