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Unexpected & Unplanned

NAS75473

Hi, 

I'm looking for some advise on how to deal with a situation I'm in, I really struggle when things are not planned or even sometimes if they are planned it can be difficult. 

So the other day my in laws decided to just turn up at my house whilst my partner was out, nothing was planned. I said you can't turn up like this without planning it in advance they said don't be stupid and preceded to enter my house they brought there 2 dogs and my partner arrived shortly after. They are aware of my needs but seem to ignore them my issue is they've since been talking behind my back to my partner saying that they don't want to talk to me again as I'm rude and they seem to think you shouldnt have to make an appointment or plan to come and see us. This whole situation has been causing me anxiety and having been able to focus. 

I've tried reaching out to them explaining my situation and they are not interested unless I apologies the problem is this may and probably will happen again as 99% of my days are planned and routine so apologing may fix it now but not in the future

What would be your advice to approach this situation? and how to respond? 

To add I am not good speaking to people direct I usually need someone on behalf like my partner although she doesn't want to. 

Parents

  • This situation should cause anxiety, it's fv*king chaos. This is incredibly disrespectful and rude to just turn up, uninvited, at whim. It's not the 1950s. Hopefully they don't own the house? 

    I read an advice column of someone having a problem of the old owners of their house just turning up at whim. The advice was to answer the door in nothing but a robe/towel. Another idea would be to tell them to help themselves to a brew, and that you're in the middle of work/something, go upstairs and close your door. No confrontation, just exit. 

    Are you expected to just drop everything you're in the middle of and entertain them? It's a bit presumptuous. Better to be armed with a different perspective on why no one should be required to apologise. Such as: In the house I was raised in, we don't just "Invade" our relatives. We "Afford" them the "Dignity" of a phone call or make a schedule. Doubtful any Royals just show up uninvited to anything - if they're fans of the royal family. Loads of excellent behaviour to model and "expect" if you simply expect the in-laws to act like the Queen would. 

    Unfortunately your partner is involved. Best you could do is buy both of you a book on how to create good boundaries with parents and / or boundaries in all relationships. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Usually, I want to visit; and get anxiety whenever I don't get a response. But my old family friend, sorting out the assembly of my Polytunnel, came unexpectedly. He just carries on the work outside, but I wish he would let me know whenever he's coming.

  • in reply to Desmond79

    Gosh. You may have to fill in the blanks for me here! I do this sometimes, too & my son reminds me I need to add missing context.

    Who do you want to visit with? Who isn't giving you a response? Does it happen often? I don't quite know what a polytunnel is or how it's assembled (a literal visualisation of this is a long polyester tube like children play in LOL). I'm also lost in what sort of work is happening outside and why there is a coming and going :) 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Thank you. That's a good suggestion to let my friend know that she doesn't need to send me a courtesy message.

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