Parent thinking autism is "an excuse"

ive been diagnosed but everyone saying 'youre not autistic' has given me imposter syndrome. i know exactly how you feel. 

Yep. Anyone who makes "race" a big issue needs to go...

I had an autistic friend years ago who I cut out of my life after he made some incredibly racist comments. This was before I realized I was autistic or even knew enough about autism to recognize that he unquestionably was and on top of that was far worse at masking then me. After that I felt bad for a while but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I’d never feel a shred of guilt about wanting to disassociate from a neurotypical racist and the only difference between a neurotypical and autistic racist was that the former would just do a better job of hiding their racism or only expressing it in code and on top of that that being autistic is never an excuse for being a bigot.

A wonderful and insightful summary of your experiences ... thankyou and l can relate to many of your points. 

A rather interesting side note my partially submerged friend! I can absolutely relate to the invocation of some sort of alternative persona - I find that in certain social situations that I am forced to be in, I can mask pretty well since I've observed (neurotypical) humans for quite some time (and yes, I know that makes me appear as though I'm some sort of off-worlder and sometimes I feel as though I am!), I do know how to act in those situations and what not to say - but I do also try to push those boundaries and infuse a bit of 'weirdness'. This takes a great deal of effort from me though and I do end up quite burnt out afterwards; I therefore avoid a lot of social situations.  

- Sp. Oc.

Well said, (my tentacular and three dimensional friend..) 

That thing about stress is so true.

I found when landing an aeroplane, that the natural raised levels of stress that that sort of thing engenders, could get in the way of remembering to pull the right switches at the right time and say the right things to the people on the ground via the radio, and if I let it I would be easily overwhelmed...

At such times, I am thankfully nuts enough to be able to invoke, on demand an "alternate personality" who will using my own voice, and some very choice language quite often, talk me through the whole thing as I do it... When it's job is done it slips away, until it is needed again. 

I got lost once, open cockpit, and with a storm quickly forming to one side of me. As I felt the rush of "concern" tighten my chest, a rather sarcastic and familiar voice (my own) told me to "settle down, orbit the aeroplane about a point on the ground and take time to work the problems". Eventually after some calm discussion we worked out the correct thing to do, carefully picked a spot to put the aeroplane down, (from that point on, I decided to admit my weakness at nav' and carry, but not use a GPS...) and it all went well.

Just because the situation is out of control and scares the willies out of ME, I am lucky to have an "alter" and it's bloody useful!

A bit off topic, sorry...

I'm sorry to hear that you are this difficult situation. Just initially, I would say that you should dismiss any thoughts of you being label seeking as intrusive thoughts. The fact that you resonate so much with autistic characteristics and have been told (I presume, by someone who is knowledgeable in the area) that you are likely to be autistic shows that you aren't just label seeking. That being said, in our society, we require labels in order to access the few services that are available to us. Getting those labels is therefore a matter of accessing the services that we need to function and therefore not something which we should feel shame about.

You should also disregard his statement that you are using it as an excuse - he is quite obviously unaware of what it means to be autistic and the autistic experience. That is not an attack on his character - I know nothing about him; what I do know, however, is that lots of people are unaware of what it means to be autistic and therefore attempt to understand in ways like just being fussy or attention-seeking, and all sorts of other unpleasant ways.

While it may be true that lots of non-autistic people experience things like anxiety, it is the intensity of that experience which is relevant here; autistic people tend to experience anxiety at a high level of intensity. Anxiety toward new and uncertain situations such as a job interview is quite common but with autistic people the level of anxiety is so high that it can be disabling and cause serious mental distress. 

- Sp. Oc.

The BIG WIN for me was realising that as an Autist far from having a "poor character" and "doing things wrong", I have been struggling against a hidden disability for decades, often with more than a modicum of grace.  

Although there was a sense of "Oh Crap, I am stuck with this and IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER" After the initial shock wore off, the world started making a hell of a lot more sense and I could see my own strengths and weaknesses in sharp relief now, as well as those of the people around me..

I have in fact (I can now see) weathered a perfect storm of having really rubbish family, Undiagnosed Autism with an ADHD flavour, and quite a lot of "luck" both good and bad to further confuse the picture.

I had a Dr Tell me about 30 years back that many people with my start on life fall into criminality or other self harming /damaging behaviours and I (largely) did not. I was very depressed and cynical at the time and assumed he was just trying to cheer me up, but I've heard it again since, and it would seem to be the truth, I am a high achiever and not a complete "waster".

As for the other people in my life, who already loved me despite my limitations, it makes my little quirks much more legitimate and easy for them to accept. and when the Mrs starts ragging on me for forgetting to close the door, which she was building up nicely into a real point of contention at one point, the phrase; "I'm really sorry, but you know there's no point in getting upset about my obvious limitations. I offered you your chance to get rid of me when I initially realised I'd mis-represented myself as a normie".

"You didn't take it then, so you're stuck with it as much as I am".

It's actually seemed to reduce her overall aggravation. More to the point, now I can clearly see (and legitimately accept) that I have some serious social deficits, I can make allowances for myself as I do for her little foibles that she has no idea that she has. (Normies SO lack self awareness, and she currently identifies as one). 

I am just SO glad to know what I am and have the learning expererience here, and elsewhere.

I am no longer a "stranger to myself". More to the point I now have two new powerful "weapons" at my disposal and I like weilding power! 

1. I'm an autist I really cover the ground and obtain insight in a way that most normies can only dream about. And some of them know that and seek my kind out for the most interesting and lucrative of work.

2. Bullies can no longer really back me into a corner and upset me, because I can literally "play the autism card" at any time...

I am currently staring at great success in life, square in it's scary face, but it's only because I know who and what I am now, that I can fully understand my current situation. 

AND when I start to "spaz out" I can recognise the symptoms earlier, and try to minimise my exposure to other people, or expressing myself poorly in public. 

I still have the odd "awful day", bu they are way more endurable, and sometimes I really can just sit back and laugh about it, which I could never do before my diagnosis...

I haven't spoken to my parents about this, I won't until I am diagnosed with it, until then they don't need to know that there is a possibility and from previous experience of trying to explain how I feel, I am normally met with "don't be stupid"

:( It's sad that this seems to be a common occurance... I think it is hard for people to understand. My dad also said to me "making friends/ getting to know people is hard for everyone". Or he cannot grasp the concept of a 'special interest' (The special interest concept is harder possibly- I still struggle to understand that not everyone pursues an interest to exculsion of all else/ with same passion that I do ...- I thought that was totally normal.)  

I just wish he would try to understand rather than labelling it as an excuse. At least my mum is super understanding- but she is probably also autistic, so I guess it makes sense that she can relate. 

Sounds exactly like what happened to me. At least two family members have brought up the  ‘it’s an excuse’ card after my recent diagnosis. It’s very sad but some people (even close family members) want to tarnish you with the same brush. I’ve tried pointing them to research and information related to autism so they can better understand the situation but to no avail !? 

I had the same response from my mother, I got,” you don’t look autistic, autistic people don’t talk and stare at the wall”. It just a generational thing, the boomer generation has all watched Rainman and stereotype autism by it. I took the slowly catchy monkey route, drip feed slowly and explain how you have felt for so long. I did lay down that I’m going through with a diagnosis, I would like you onboard but if not I will do it alone. She is quite receptive now and starting to understand.

I am glad that your ex is becoming more understanding... It could be a lack of understanding I guess... though I did talk to my dad about the possibility of autism previously and I had explained to him why I thought I could be autistic and what it meant to me. I am not sure what triggered his reaction yesterday. I think he is becoming frustrated with me not coping with life. I am trying so hard, but I don't think he sees that because he doesn't face the same issues. 

I had a similar situation with my ex regarding our son. I was sure he had autism and he just refused to believe it and said his behaviour was all due to being naughty and attention seeking. After 2-3yrs I finally had him assessed with the help from the school and it was confirmed he was autistic. After showing my ex he still refused to believe it. After giving him some advice on how to help our son when he suffered anxiety attacks and mood changes he then realised that autism was real and that our son has it. He now researches and understands it better and beginning to see that his behaviour is a reflection of his diagnosis and he’s not just ‘naughty’. I do hope this happens for you. It may just be your dad does not understand what autism is. X