Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote in my diary last week "in a strange mood but I don't know why, often get like this".
This week I'm wondering if I'm depressed but I don't feel sad or worthless. I sometimes have difficulty picking up on how I feel. I just know I've felt flat for quite a bit. My head is crammed full but otherwise I feel flat. I can't stop eating.
Interspersed with this are odd days of enjoyment and feeling in the flow.
In the mix is also anxiety without worry but I have felt ok today.
I feel things are getting harder as I get older in my mid thirties but it's not like I have got any commitments in life apart from a partner, house and job of 4 days per week.
It was noticeable things were easier for me in lockdown and I'm still adjusting back to normal. It sounds pathetic but it's the little things which put demand on executive function, on their own are nothing but added up make a big thing. Such things as remembering to get my dinner ready the night before or having to put make up on or wash my clothes for work.
I have read before AS gets worse as you get older but I'm only mid thirties.
I want to share this with everyone again. I watched it a few weeks ago and think it's fantastic. Ruby Wax in conversation with a Buddhist Monk and a Neuroscientist: youtu.be/QDnuQVoRxX8
Thanks! I am over halfway through watching it and it has raised some interesting ideas already. I really like this idea of viewing your mood and thoughts like the weather: They explained that if it is raining we usually don't spend ages trying to figure out why it is raining (though there are reasons for it and we could probably spend ages trying to work it out) but instead we get out an umbrella and go on with our day. Sometimes practical solutions work very well.
Yeah, very much better to observe your moods and thoughts rather than be hijacked by them - its a journey, but one very much worth making. That is the purpose of mindfulness, when you focus away from thoughts and feelings your brain can't latch onto them, and so they are just in the background and cannot affect you. Your brain keeps bringing the focus back though, so you have to keep refocussing - that makes it a challenge, but the more you do it the easier it gets and you start feeling the benefit.
Like doing a gym workout with your brain. The stronger the thoughts the bigger the weight.