Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote in my diary last week "in a strange mood but I don't know why, often get like this".
This week I'm wondering if I'm depressed but I don't feel sad or worthless. I sometimes have difficulty picking up on how I feel. I just know I've felt flat for quite a bit. My head is crammed full but otherwise I feel flat. I can't stop eating.
Interspersed with this are odd days of enjoyment and feeling in the flow.
In the mix is also anxiety without worry but I have felt ok today.
I feel things are getting harder as I get older in my mid thirties but it's not like I have got any commitments in life apart from a partner, house and job of 4 days per week.
It was noticeable things were easier for me in lockdown and I'm still adjusting back to normal. It sounds pathetic but it's the little things which put demand on executive function, on their own are nothing but added up make a big thing. Such things as remembering to get my dinner ready the night before or having to put make up on or wash my clothes for work.
I have read before AS gets worse as you get older but I'm only mid thirties.
I can identify with a flat feeling. I coped in the first lockdown as socialising outside of home was not allowed. I enjoyed walks as there were few cars on the road. I enjoyed making masks and a garden project of trying to grow new plants from seed.
Last year was harder with things opening up whilst still a lot of Covid cases. The large amount of dull days were hard too. Then this year arrived and it was like anxiety fatigue. I find it hard this year to find things to look forward to with all the uncertainty. I have odd days that are better usually when I get to do something in the sunshine.
I have begun to do things carefully but it is quite exhausting.
What is it you feel uncertain about?
It's never been anxiety about catching covid for me. It's been anxiety because life is returning back to the faster pace.
My yoga teacher said in one of our meditations "I go through the world at my own pace". I really liked this but I feel sometimes I'm having to shoe horn myself into a pace which isn't right for me.
Yes I think I've had anxiety fatigue too. Hope you find a way through. Spring is on its way.
I agree re the pace. It felt more relaxed a couple if years ago. Hope to do some gardening in next few days.