Aged 52 and Stuck

you need more long term help --- so i'd encourage you to, as much as you can, keep trying... i didn't do well at all until i found a psychologist (she uses cbt) who seemed to really believe in me , and i could just tell she was really knowledgeable and committed. even tho i am still struggling a lot (i was diagnosed at 62), i shudder to think where i'd be without her, or my psychiatrist. 

try to get more in touch with all your medical people --- 

like you, i did not have any luck with autism groups --- the in person ones. some of the people in the autism group (such as me) were socially just not as adept as others. i felt we were on the outside looking in. it was pretty uncomfortable.

you could join other groups though - any hobby or game group, whatever it is that you enjoy. i've tried various hobbies - fishing was a good social one, because i found a local pond where the locals go - bird watching, walking, taking dogs - people are very chatty there. i think you should try to find such a group or place or hobby. ham radio --- that actually supposedly attracts aspie types... i was playing chess --- one thing about that community, it's pretty accepting of people. not that many people play chess...... it's very difficult.

it's good to try to fill in your days with - at least some social contact, be it at a cafe, grocery store, library, hiking trail, etc... you could try volunteering --- i've done that, but didn't make any friends that way...  but it might give you an outlet one day a week.

i hope your relationship with your mother is okay --- mine was kind of hard to be around --- i assume she had asd. she did her best, i guess, but she was kind of difficult. i'm sure she was on the spectrum.

Has anyone tried solution-focussed brief therapy? I've heard some claims that it works better for autistic people than CBT.

Firstly, I know exactly how you feel.

Secondly however, I feel that you just haven’t accepted yourself, and are still comparing yourself to other people, which will do no good whatsoever. One Autistic person is not like another. 

Regarding treatment, there isn’t much,.

You can try 1-1 therapy for social anxiety to help with some social aspects. Other CBT like challenging negative thought patterns can also help a little. If you say you are on the spectrum, there’s always someone available who can adapt the sessions for you. You are allowed to keep referring yourself for help, but sessions only last for 6 or 8 sessions, and you can only have a certain amount each year.

Look for more groups in your area. Just because you didn’t do well last time, you might get on better with a new bunch of people, or by doing a different activity, rather than sitting around having conversations.

Hi Neil, I can relate 100%. I am 38. 
What I learned is no therapy or medication is going to help me. I am what I am.
I decided to make the best of what I am within my limited means.

I decided to accept a couple truths:
1. I am,a psychopath and everyone hates psychopaths.
2. I am severely autistic and the vast majority of employers do not want disabled workers like me.
3. I struggle to look after myself in my home.

So in terms of making friends I decided to find people who are social and moral degenerates. 
And by that I mean criminals, bankers, traffic wardens, tv licencing goons, weridos, cult-followers and polticians.
so far its going good. since I am morally dead inside we get on good. 

as for work I do not bother applying for jobs because I know the answer, will be is no sorry you have not been successful. Getting hundreds of them letters can drive a person into depression. So I dont do it.

Instead I do a little bit of chart reading on the financial markets, build indicators for trading and analyze economical data in exchange for gifted cryptocurrency assets. i meet my permitted work threshold and all is good. I may soon become a washing machine repair man if i can pass my driving test.

The able bodied will never employ me so why should I pander to them? I dont think I should.

I struggle to clean my home as im 1 track minded but to remedy that I have made sure I have the least amount of personal items as I possibly can own. that way my mess will always be small to clean. 

You need to accept your limitations and make the most of your strengths. That is how I am trying to get ahead. Maybe it will work for you. 

Tell me what you think.

I have been in a similar situation in the past.  The support for autistic people post-diagnosis on the NHS is poor, and psychiatrists and therapists seem to get annoyed with anyone who doesn't heal quickly.  CBT is often not effective for people on the spectrum, but it's the NHS's preferred therapy style.  I'm sorry that I don't really have any suggestions.  I was fortunate that just getting my diagnosis helped me a lot.  I'm still waiting for autism-adapted CBT on the NHS, and trying to find an occupational therapist outside of it.

Well if you just feel anxiety and depression no matter what you do, and it seems like you're always stuck in this fearful state, and can't really pin-point the exact cause of the fear, and even if you've faced your fear, it does not really resolve your fearful feelings, and your fear is just there no matter what you try to think and do, and maybe you have some other issues like sleep problems or other physical health problems that seem to come and go, and no type of "mind over matter" advice from anyone really helps you, then I really advise you to try to temporarily do this for a week or so, try to cut out inflammatory foods like gluten and dairy, because these foods can cause some people's immune systems to go haywire and cause the body to deteriorate. But of course if the cause is not food, then just eat them again, but I'd advise to try the food route, before you try things like antidepressants since medical costs adds up and they only handle the symptoms and does not cure the problem, but if the problem is with food, then simply avoiding the food will be the cure. 

I'm 49, and have/had similar issues - unfortunately, there isn't mainstream support, as has been said.  You can google for local charities and support groups, but that is about it.  For therapy, you may want to find a therapist who is autistic themselves, and that might make a difference.  They do exist, but may not be in your area so you may have to travel.  Changing how you think, or feel about things, is hard work and difficult for any human, and being autistic can make that harder as we can be more rigid in our thinking, or think in ways that don't work well with common therapy techniques.

Negative thoughts cause anxiety, and both lead to depression.  This is why therapists use CBT because they want to change how you think so you think more positively, more healthly, so you reduce the anxiety and depression.  

I have never been offered CBT or any other therapy, so resorted to buying a book called Overcoming Anxiety And Depression On The Autism Spectrum by Lee Wilkinson, it uses CBT techniques to help you change your thinking.  I recommend it, because it helps you see that thoughts lead to our feelings, and not the actual events/people/things.  For example, you went to the Aspergers Group and came away more depressed - because you had negative thoughts about it and yourself, and those thoughts made you feel bad about the experience.  Easy to have negative thoughts after a difficult/bad experience, but if you think of positive ones instead it will help - you made it and tied to get into it, that's good, and you can do it again.  The others may be naturally more confident, or have been before and built it up - you may need to build into it.

Therapy can help, but it is only a start for healing and how to change things - you have to go away and work hard on yourself to actually change things and feel better.

I find gardening helps my mood. In some areas there are community groups doing this. I felt a sense of achievement during lockdown when I grew some plants from seed. If you enjoyed it you might make new friends too.

Also in some areas there are forest/wood projects working with people who have had difficulties like trauma so they might be more understanding.

I am actually in the process of being assessed, but as you said, I don’t expect to find a suitable therapist. We’ll see how it goes.

You need to make a referral for post autism support which you have to do yourself after the autism diagnosis. It's not uncommon for you not to be told about it. 

Look online for your local or closest autism partnership for social engagements and other opportunities. Some of the autism partnership may have a partner organisation proving autism adapted therapy. but the waiting list can be quite long as its not NHS funded by charity funded. 

most professional and local authority's will basically repeat this at you "Your basically at an age where there isn't a lot of support and your just expected to exist, your got this far." there is nothing until you get so worse you can't take care of yourself.

I'm sorry i am not going to sugar coat it, the support you want doesn't exist yet.

You could request a need assessment for additional support but all it will be is peer support to get you to attend autism related social groups, clubs and leisure activities. 

I am not sure I can be of any practical help, but some of the things you say resonate with me. I am currently suffering from depression and feeling quite stuck in life. The GP referred me for CBT, but it did not work. I've been feeling that I need to try harder but just cannot seem to incorporate that way of thinking. The fact is that no therapy has ever worked for me because therapists and I are on a different wavelength.

The "try harder" bit is the one I am the most upset about, because I don't think they are completely wrong when they say it. I think people tend to put themselves as a reference for how much effort something takes. This "if I can do it, so can you", is normally well intended, but very unhelpful. You and I need different levels of effort to succeed at different things, so I can always say that I can try harder, but at some point, the effort/result ratio becomes unsustainable.

The fact of the matter is that I need more effort to achieve common things than most people, so the first thing I should do is probably lower the bar. For example, from all the things that I want to achieve, but I am scared of, which one I am scared of the least? Or which level of achievement (even if it sounded stupid to a normal person) would I feel slightly better about?

I don't think I can achieve the life I would love to have, but I think I can make tiny improvements to mine. And in the end, that is true for pretty much everyone.

Somehow you need a hobby focus. Anything