Impossible to let go

It sounds like a difficult situation, because you’ve been living in limbo together for some time due to COVID etc, when really you would perhaps have benefitted from going your separate ways. I don’t know how long you’ve been married for, but the longer the relationship, the longer it’ll take to come to terms with. It is very difficult. My husband left me, and I ended up in a deep shutdown/burnout. It was horrendous. So many questions unanswered. And the sheer terror at living alone, having to do everything by myself. I think it took me about 2 years to come to terms with it. By 3 years I could talk about it without becoming upset. 
I learnt a lot about myself in that time, as well as plenty of facts showing that I wasn’t as ‘happy’ as I thought I was, and that I was actually better off without him. That’s just my story.

What I wanted to say was, take one day at a time. Make sure you look after yourself. Sleep when you can, and eat even if you don’t feel like it. Distract yourself if you want to, or wallow in the situation. Whatever you decide, it’s perfectly normal, and it’s allowed. This is going to be a long process, but you will come out of it stronger. That’s a fact. There are several stages to go through, and some you will revisit. That’s all perfectly normal too. 

any form of complex emotional is normal, If you were not experiencing this you would be a psychopath and we would have to duct-tape you to an ironing bored before you go all supervillain on us .so the fact your feeling this way is very typically normal. 

it may take longer to process it because your a neurodivergent king and that is okay as long as you don't force or try and control the other person.If there's no longer any mutual emotional attachment between you and your ex partner to be just friends than its better to remove that bandage and go find yourself a unicorn. A unicorn is often a term for finding someone or something that you are fated to encounter.

it's going to be a dangerous quest filled with ups and downs. you'll encounter a few Zebras, Horses and Ponies who have duct taped a traffic cone to their head, but if your determined you will find what you're looking for. it's often is the last place you search.

from experience if you taken this advice literally, you will not find what yours looking for at a zoo or animal sanctuary. 

i feel like i grieve when i think i find a friend in a mental health service and then i find out i am a patient and no one acually cares about me not sure if this is loneliness or what but it sure is sad when i think i have a friend then nope im just a another number and a nobody to another person, and get left with nothing not even partly recoverd

I think your right it is definitely a grieving process that we go through when we have had a relationship that doesn’t work last.

You are hard-wired toward loyalty. It's a symptom of monotropism. https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-32/august-2019/me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism

It is Painful - and I mean severely painful for Autistic individuals to let go. Not to mention not understanding social nuances and feeling gutted like there's no redemption, but our sensory impact is far more intense than NTs, which include emotional impact.  

Did she once feel something? Even still she should've been honest with you then. In an ideal situation, we share our selves with the person we've made a commitment to and give them a chance to help when something is off or something breaks. Love is built by how we mend and troubleshoot because if you don't tend a relationship, invest into it, it will fade or spoil. 

I feel this deeply & feel sad... I've been through this sort of thing and discovered what I value from it and thus, have learned to look for those same values in another before making a commitment - be it small or something as weighted as marriage. 

I don't think its supposed to be easy to let go of over 3 years of marriage. I know you're separated but that's not the same as divorced. Are you really so certain its too late to try to save your marriage? What do your friends think?

would it be called the emotion Grieving sounds like grieving, i think grieving comes in all different situation i am too grieivng for a new life and you must be grieivng from your loss

I think it does make sense. I get what you mean. You won’t just be able to get over being with someone quickly because she was part of your daily routine. So now it means charging a routine you have got used to having.

 I t can happen to anyone in a relationship my sister read relationships mostly only last up to 15 years theses day’s. There are people that last longer of course but that’s apparently the average.

people seem to like each other for a while then they get more distant as time goes on we become like old televisions to other half. Just something there in the same room that you take for granted it’s always there like when you get exited about your new brand new tv after a while you get used to it it doesn’t seem so great anymore? That’s what I have found. 

of course that can’t be said for the way other people feel I don’t know how they feel about relationships. It’s only my appinion of what I feel happens when things go wrong, it is the way it feels for me.

In the past when it’s happened to me I’ve tried to do things like like doing a lot to try to stop thinking about it. Drives you crazy trying to work out why how when it all went wrong. You won’t know. It doesn’t matter it doesn’t stop you feeling bad not knowing how you can live a happy life. 

You will get better what I also did is I bought a book A5 lined one from Tesco or WHSmith. When ever I felt bad I wrote it down. I said how I felt how it made me feel. Sometimes I would write as if I was writing to them, then it was on the page not in my head. It took ages to start to feel ok but I do now feel ok again. I finished it because mine hit me in the chest one night. Because I disagreed with what they said about something. They hit me and at the same time shouted shut up. I was really in shock I felt frozen to the spot I couldn’t move. When I got home I finished with them on the telephone. Never saw them again after. I did call them a few times afterwards one time they started being really horrible shouting abuse at me. I even called about 2 times after that then that was it. I deleted there number never called again. I did really miss them because I had been used to the routine of seeing them we never lived together. 

In time you will be ok honestly I have been there 3times now it really hurts bad but the pain does eventually go. I feel fine now. That was April  2018. I was feeling better after about a year and a half. Then it felt just like a dream I had it still does. I don’t feel anything sad now at all.

I have never married so I am single but I almost was married once and it took me around a decade to get over it.  

Do not blame yourself. This is the worst thing you can do. You are who you are. 

The best way to get over it is immerse yourself in your hobbies or something like that. Shut out the everyday life and enjoy the things you like doing. I am into model trains. I go into a dream world of trains! Haha! But what I am saying is to distract yourself and pray. (Not sure if you have a belief but it does help).

I am only saying what works for me so you may need to do what works for you. What I want to say is that all will be ok.  

Sorry for the two replies. Just noticed that my trying to post a reply worked tne first time.

are you getting any support anywhere like mental health services?

I don't know what to tell you, but I really feel for you and the situation you are in.