Being observed

Thank you so much for this. I am sad to have just learned of her work and her passing in one thirty second period. I just watched a YouTube video she made on the topic, and it is scarily apt for someone who has to this point had a really difficult time understanding and describing my feelings around being observed.

Even worse for me than being observed is having someone I know see me interacting with new people - in my last job my line manager (who I was good friends with) had to sit in the corner of the room behind me whilst I was doing an interview for a promotion - struggled to focus at all!

Having circles of friends / contacts meet is hideous for me - think it comes from masking, and how I probably wear a slightly different mask with every group I'm in...

I Sperg said:

I like being observed when I know I'm in control of events and doing well...

Me too. If I’m confident it’s worthy of being observed I’m ok with that. 

I'm exactly the same. As a young child I used to beg my mother to stop watching me on the playground as I couldn't play while being observed.

As an adult, I can't clean while there are people around. I can't work in an office because there are people who might interrupt me at any moment - and I think that's at the heart of the issue. If I know there's a chance that the person watching me might say something to me and startle me out of focusing on whatever I'm doing, I can't get focused in the first place. I think I've learned from experience that being startled is so unpleasant that now my brain won't allow me to run the risk of it happening, so refuses to switch out of "people mode" and into "real me mode" if there are people around. I can, to some extent, and with the help of my ear defenders, work in the silent study section of the university library (I'm not a student but got membership) if it's not too busy, as I know that strangers are very unlikely to approach me in that situation. It's best if I can get one of the individual desks tucked away between the stacks, rather than being exposed on the main floor.

I got burnout from my ex working from home during the pandemic. I couldn't relax for a single minute of the day because at any moment he might speak to me or walk close behind me. By the end I was so exhausted that most days I couldn't do anything but lie on the bed repeating "I'm so tired" over and over again. As soon as he moved out, my energy came back and my weekly income went up to seven times what it had been as I was able to do my freelance work again.

I don't think I have a problem with being watched if I can guarantee that the observer won't interact with me. Like I don't care about being on CCTV or whatever.

This is the reason that my front garden is overgrown! I could really do with a 2 metre hedge around it.

I like being observed when I know I'm in control of events and doing well...

I've had this for as long as I can remember. It's the reason why it took me 8 attempts to pass my driving test and found working in open plan offices for years to be a complete nightmare.

There is a name for it, 'Exposure Anxiety', first mentioned in the book by the autistic author Donna Williams more than 30 years ago. Despite this hardly anyone has heard of it. Try googling 'Exposure Anxiety' and all you'll get is pages of results on 'Exposure Therapy', which is something completely different.

https://www.autisticality.co.uk/exposure-anxiety

I struggle to use the phone in front of people and hate using even my own toilet if guests are around. I also try to do things quietly and not sure why as most (not all) noises don’t bother me too much

I’m another one. Torture having to share an office. I try and hide somewhere to work out of sight or I can’t concentrate as I’m so tense.

Yes, I've always been that way, but I don't know why.

Can definitely relate to this. I perform way better at things when I don't think people are watching but consequently I also I get nervous if I'm alone and don't have that reassurance that someone can put me right if I'm unsure on anything so it's quite a nuisance. It's like some weird mix of needing people but wanting to avoid people. It can be how I feel about socialising, I hate it and don't want to do it but I kinda want people I feel comfortable with just being around and present, maybe occasionally greet me or just tell me about their day without me needing to be talk back (people say I'm a good listener, because all I'll do is listen lol, but given the time to process the conversation by not having to worry about participating people say in the end I even give good advice or insights, I don't know how... Maybe I'm doubting my own abilities, or maybe they're just being nice) I live in a house with my parents and brother, there is normally at least one other person at home so I avoid doing quite a lot of things until they're out the house or very preoccupied (bathing being one of them for example, I find it difficult to find a time when I can do it).

I struggle a lot with phonecalls generally, but the idea of being on the phone whilst other people are around is extra difficult. It's one if the things that's held me back a couple times recently such as trying to get my point across to Universal Credit that I can't attend their location whispering in my bedroom and avoiding saying some things in case someone else overheard. The second one really hurt me though, my dad usually sleeps heavily during the day (works late, heavy sleeper anyway) and I thought my brother was at work (he was working from home that day) so I was slightly optimistic when I was offered a telephone interview for a, what felt like, a dream opportunity for me on that day... As it got closer to the time and I realised my brother wasn't leaving anytime soon so when they called I snuck the call into the dining room and felt like it really hampered my performance in the interview (plus, I think because I used a landline phone and I was a fair distance it may have been what caused an awkward moment where the phone crackled, we couldn't hear each other which threw me off even more). Not that I think I'd have made it to the next stage anyway because I'm terrible on the phone and interviews generally... But I really felt like those circumstances could have contributed to fluffing that opportunity. The job in question was an assistant manager at a charity shop. It sounded a bit ambitious of a role to be applying for with no prior paid work experience under my belt (like, manager sounds senior right?) but having researched the charity more I've come to learn I might have been able to make it work. I volunteered in a charity shop for 4 years and unbeknownst to me not a lot of charity shops let their volunteers do the things I did there, meaning, for 4 years I was like an assistant assistant manager xD (albeit 1 day a week). I tried to get across that I had a hand in everything. From sorting items, tagged items, steamed clothes, cleaned, worked on displays, covered the till at times (the hardest part for me!), researched pricing, did gift aid in the system, did some basic banking tasks once in a while, rotated the back stock, trained new volunteers, basically everything that could be done lol. Meanwhile the shop I applied for has reviews online from volunteers saying they aren't even allowed to touch the till and they mostly just do a bit of sorting, cleaning and other basic tasks. Plus, this shop has a paid full time person out front on the tills so whilst I will still need to do some of that part it wouldn't be a big focus. And being 'assistant' means I have a superior with me to keep me on track. Anyway, huge sidetrack. I missed that opportunity.

When I was younger and in college I used to have a YouTube channel where I did simple voiceover commentary over videogames (scripted, but I never told anyone that) and I would only record the actual commentary part when I visited my nans (she lives very close by to me and I'd visit often, some of the only times I'd leave the house) and is the only person I've ever felt comfortable enough doing some things around (I even visited her to make a phone call years back to inquire and book my first tattoo somewhere local and super welcoming, I wanted and planned to have more but they closed down and honestly now I couldn't afford it even if I had the confidence to go somewhere else.) The editing I could easily do on my laptop anytime, in my bedroom, headphones in. Even hobbies, playing videogames with my father present and watching has always made harder challenges harder. My mother and brother are a bit less of a problem with that because they're usually really not paying attention at all to what's on the screen.

Presentations and showing my working were problems at school and college. And yes, that even includes just writing your process in Maths on the test papers. I'll do it in my head, or use another sheet that I won't hand in. I'm either right or wrong, I don't want people to see how I got there. Similarly if I made an error I never used to just neatly cross it out, I'd scribble it out entirely. I'm not necessarily scared of being wrong (scribbling out your answer makes that clear enough I did something wrong lol) I guess I don't like too show where or how I went wrong. I don't have much problem with sharing an end product, I have a piece of furniture still standing I made in school that I'm proud of and would love people to see, I won't hide away everything I've done. But while at school making it I only ever really mucked about unless I was in a separate room working on it (which we were, often, because of the lack of workbenches per woodwork classroom).

I think I have more capacity to wing-it and figure out a way to the right answers to problems when I'm not being observed.

Oh and another couple I just realised relate to this... I don't eat when not at home because eating in the presence of others is uncomfortable as is simply crossing the road which leads me to either a) wait there until there's no upcoming cars or b) if I'm familiar enough with the location, take a longer route (or even take laps around the same area) until no upcoming cars. Sometimes I'll cross if the gap is very large between cars or if I happen to arrive as a crossing bleeper goes off. In my town these methods work because it's a quiet town and I can realistically have a no-cars opportunity.

I could never do tests when pepole could see me doing them it was worse if I knew them.examples were karate gradings,driving tests,also I couldn't tell pepole I was doing them or I would be to nervous and fail.i relate to not cooking unless everyone was out the kitchen if it was a special meal.i do cold watter therepy and hate it if pepole watch or try to encourage me to do it as not in my own time.i often feel pepole are watching me at tge gym and it's very uncomfortable and I've since quit but need to find a quite one.

David

Yes I get it too. It means I am constantly anxious and uncomfortable in a house-share situation. :( And I could never do my coursework in the allocated time at sixth form, I did 95% of it at home.

Yes, I look back and can see that there were just so many things that were never explicitly taught but which were simply assumed.  When I did things that went against these unspoken rules, I was blamed or ridiculed.  As I've mentioned before, there would often be some reference to "general knowledge" or "common sense", just to make me feel worse.  And I just want to protest.  Where is this body of "common knowledge" held?  Why do others (often the ones who are really intolerant and bullying because they "don't suffer fools gladly", which is somehow seen to be OK) get their guidance?  And why isn't it taught in schools, if it's so essential? 

Sadly (or is that understandably?), I only have specific knowledge, gained from formal or informal learning and experience.  I'm an individual, which means that my own learning and experience will quite naturally differ from others'.  And I feel quite angry about those occasions.  My response now would be along the lines of, "Where is it written that...?" 

That's a really good point. I remember being ridiculed once for the way I cut cheese as a child (bizarre example, I know). Apparently, it wasn't the done thing for it to be cut into cubes. No one had ever mentioned this rule to me, and I like cubes.

This makes sense. Doing things around people means possibly 'exposing' that we do something menial the 'wrong way' and be ridiculed for it.

I also considered after another reply to this post that the fact it's often during tasks like cleaning is because these aren't usually things we're directly taught to do. We're kind of expected just to know (in the magical way that neurotypical people seem to), therefore we don't know the 'right way' to do it and it's harder to mask. 

Hi jellyrabbit. Yes, I understand this feeling. I hate people watching me do even inconsequential things, such as brushing my teeth. I suspect that it's to do with masking- I get the impression that if people observe me, they'll be able to start inferring what I'm 'really like'.

I suspect that the feeling would not be as severe if one has good quality relationships and is in good mental health, as in that situation, one would not need to mask as extensively.

Ha ha!  It was suggested several times in my life but I never took it seriously. I was fortunate in my career and kept thinking "I can't be autistic if I'm doing this, can I?" (sheer ignorance).  I probably started to wonder a tiny little bit around ten years ago.  Got a private diagnosis (but from an NHS Consultant Psychiatrist) in 2020, aged 64.  You live and learn(!)

This is a very interesting story, and sounds like it would have been a very stressful job - especially while being watched so closely. I know I definitely wouldn't be able to handle that, so props to you for getting through it How old were you when you realised you were likely autistic, if you don't mind me asking? 

Best wishes, tomorrow is a new day!