Being observed

Interesting! From the replies I am gathering that it seems to be quite common in autistic people, so I definitely feel a bit less alone about it now. 

I completely forgot how much I also hated eating lunch at school. I would only eat while others were eating, even if I didn't get the chance to finish my lunch. This is still often the case when I go out to eat with family, I cannot be the last one still eating! 

This theory makes sense actually. I do find that often small things I'm worried about doing around people are things I haven't been taught do to, but I'd never considered that it's the sort of thing neurotypical people just sort of... figure out? I have always had to follow steps to carry out tasks as closely as I can, so in a way not being given those steps makes me feel as though I'm doing something the 'wrong way'. I think until now part of me just assumed that other people have been taught to do these things and I somehow missed out on the lesson. Thank you for the insight!

Driving is a big issue for me too, I can do it when it's necessary but I try to avoid it where I can (especially driving to new places, eek) but the feeling of everyone watching what I'm doing and the possibility of a very serious mistake make it very difficult. Phone calls are hard as well, especially because I find myself not knowing what to say and when. I tend to script things where I can, and find it very uncomfortable when I feel as though someone can overhear me talking  

I really appreciate your advice here, and will definitely try to take some of it on board. I'm glad you pointed out that it's okay to take things at my own pace, too, because I often feel like I'm being pushed to do these things before I feel like I can. Thank you very much! 

I have this, too.  Used to hate using the phone at work if there was anyone around, and even now I’ll go into a different room if I have to ring for a doctor’s appointment or order takeaway.  

I remember someone commenting once, when I was eating my lunch at work, that I looked as though I didn’t want anyone to see me - and they were right!

Could probably come up with more examples if I thought about it…so, yes, I definitely relate to your post.

I think that it is autism-related. I have it too, I get very nervous when being watched when doing anything intricately difficult, or that has the possibility of going very visibly wrong - like carrying a tray full of drinks in a crowded cafeteria. It made my job quite challenging, as I often had to teach PhD students by example how to carry out very complex and demanding experimental methods, involving expensive and delicate equipment or hazardous material.

I suspect that it is rooted in autistic difficulties in communication. We often do not know when we are doing things in the 'correct way', and are often corrected by neurotypicals when they have not fully explained things to us - they expect us to know things subconsciously, like they do. This creates an expectation in ourselves that we might be incorrect even when we are entirely correct. This then causes a loop of reinforcement that makes us apprehensive of  anything we do that is overlooked by others.

Yes!  I have had this throughout my life and, especially in my teens and early 20s, it prevented me from doing a lot of stuff that I otherwise might have enjoyed or taken up to enrich my life or earn a living.  

Examples- In my teens I found it VERY hard to ask for things in shops, almost as if the very asking would detonate something in the vicinity and the whole situation would explode.  In my first office jobs I was terrified of using the phone in front of others so had to wait until they went to the loo, took a tea break or were so obviously engrossed in their own conversations that no attention could come my way.  It was also a major impediment to learning to drive - I understood what to do but doing it in a large metal box in front of onlookers made me feel excruciatingly conspicuous and my anxiety went off the scale!

What helped? :-

- Understanding how this whole thing began, how some very negative automatic thoughts became established and how they kept going.  Yes, I kind of CBTed myself to take the heat out of some of those thoughts and did some reality checking to defuse the situations that were most challenging.  I found that a LOT of this had been installed at school (often by bullies but also by the whole marks-out-of-ten performance ratings and constant evaluation which are endemic within our education system) then compounded by, for example, aggressive drivers, rudeness and swearing from people in the (very rough) area in which I grew up, and no recognition of my difficulties because at that time I had no idea about autism and neither did the people around me.  So I developed some better "self talk" to take me away, bit by bit, from those negative messages.

- lots and lots of practice.  Basically graded exposure but at my own pace and working on my own choice of activity, without any external expectations from, say, an employer, a parent or other onlooker.  I wouldn't general recommend formal exposure therapy because any non autistic practitioner is unlikely to have the true empathy and experience to understand the extremity of the feelings (and I wish I hadn't taken the early advice to "seek help" in that way) and it also, in effect, introduces another person with another set of eyes and expectations.  But going at your own pace and focussing on what you can manage might help.

- increased self knowledge, including my eventual autism diagnosis, which basically made me more aware of my hypersensitivity and which felt like an extension of the eye contact thing.  Things were all too intense for me, I could not hold the gaze of others for long and, in addition to the negative judgements I added were coming from others, being the subject of any attention just felt too uncomfortable.  This meant that I could make adjustments, pace myself, and limit any "limelight" to what was essential.  

- understanding that I didn't start out that way. It all started when I went to school and others' neuronormative standards were foisted upon me at every turn.  It wasn't my fault and it wasn't at all surprising that I ended up feeling the way I did. So this took away my sense of shame and feeling somehow blameworthy, freeing up more mental space to deal with the problem in hand.

Overall, given the background to this, I'm left wanting to reverse the question, throw it back out there and ask, "Given the ways in which people behave, especially within groups, how come more people don't feel this way?". Because I was surely not picking up on something that wasn't there.  It very much was!

I personally didn't really do those things. I was one of the children who didn't really care about what people thought and just got on with my day. I'm not on the spectrum but it could be due to the autism. My daughter does some of those things you pointed out. She won't shower when anyone is home, go to the toilet, tidy or get ready if anyone is upstairs. Certain things she can't do when people are around.