Published on 12, July, 2020
I haven't ever made a public post about my autism like this, I just know I want to say something... even if I'm not 100% sure what that something is.
I'm self-diagnosed, I started finally accepting that I'm autistic a few months ago now and I'm currently in training for my first job in 5 years. I'm 27 now and I have had a few jobs in the past, usually they lasted around 1 month and I managed to stick with one for about 6 months. For a long time, I thought I had just been so unlucky with the life I got (abusive parents, exposure to violence and drugs growing up, neglectful teachers, exploitative employers, and so on) that when I finally got a home I can live in alone through social housing and benefits that, mostly, got me enough money to stay alive. Hm, that sentence sure did get long.
Anyway, when I finally got this home I thought "Now I can recover from all those traumatic experiences at my own pace, and eventually I'll be able to cope with normal life as a normal person". But, if I'm right about how my autism has affected my experiences then maybe I've just been more susceptible to trauma than a neurotypical person would have been, maybe the idea of recovering and becoming normal is flawed. Maybe I'm just doomed to repeat the pattern and the job I have now is going to break me again.
Ah, this job. It's a call centre job and I work it from home on my PC. I have worked in 2 other call centres in the past, the first was temporary. Just a week long and it was bearable. The second was the most difficult time of my entire life, worse than growing up in my family, worse than the isolation and bullying in high school. Frankly, it made me suicidal and one of the two friends I had at the time become more resentful of me the more negative I became. Now, my current job I haven't officially started and maybe it'll be fine. After all, I found it through a "work and health programme" in the job centre after I specifically asked for minimum customer service and stress. But the training so far has been giving me flashbacks, I hear phrases like "rapport" and "soft skills" and I instantly clench up and feel nauseous and after just 3 days I've been crying and self-medicating with alcohol.
I just don't know what to do. I can take care of myself, I can cook and clean and maintain hygiene. I just haven't been able to survive in any job I've had and I don't even know what I can ask an employer to do to help me cope better. Will short shifts help? Will a less social job help? Are there even entry-level jobs I can do that aren't hospitality or customer service? It's not like I'm not capable of getting educated or learning skills, I got a microbiology degree and sure I don't know what I can do with it but I like to think it counts for something. I need money to live but all the ways I can find of getting money are harmful to me and it's not like Universal Credit is enough to keep living on if I ever want to pay off debts or to have a decent quality of life. I'm pretty sure I'm too "functioning" to get any other kinds of benefits.
So this is my life now. Trying whatever job I can get, inevitably more call centre work, and hoping it'll just happen to work out for me because I don't know what realistic adjustments I can hope for. "Hello, I see conversations as simple exchanges of information and trying to force myself to behave in the ways you want burn me out, can I please never have to talk to someone?" By the way, it's not like I *want* to avoid people, I'm actually quite a lonely person and I love interacting with people even if it is tiring. It's just the way employers demand I communicate that I can't deal with.
Finally, in an attempt to get some kind of question out of this so it's less of a pointless shout into the void, has anyone had similar experiences? Has anyone found ways to make work life more bearable? Are there any suggestions for work that might be suitable for me?
It's awful. It feels like there's always someone lying to you, or not understanding what the problem is, or that the "help" that is out there has nothing to do with actually getting a job.
Interviews are just a strict test of social normality, they're never there to determine your ability regarding the role. I have always had to script lies to get through them.
Sounds very familiar.
What I hate is being told by employment advisors, is that I should take any work, just to get off benefits, and then look for more suitable jobs while I'm in employment.
Then, at real interviews I get told to my face, that in their opinion, I don't really want this job, I'm just applying to get off benefits and they think I will leave as soon I find something better, so they won't give me this job because if I leave they will need to go through the recruitment process again. They want someone who will be happy to stay in the job.
Thank you for sharing. I wish work was more like being a student. That a job was just "do this list of maths problems"
Asking for things like direct communication, flexible hours, and structure all sound so reasonable to me but I'm afraid that an employer would think it's too much and just fire me.
The maddening thing is I've also had a crazy amount of interview training and employability courses. The advice I have consistently been given is "You did great, I can't think of any ways you can improve and I don't understand why you would struggle to get work". I'm serious, I have been told this multiple times during feedback on practice interviews from different trainers. It sure didn't help me with coming to terms with the fact that I'm not imagining my problems.
It's great to hear that you've succeeded. You're right, autistic people are different and that's not the same thing as being worse.
The thing about Microbiology work is um... I don't know how...
I left university with no idea how to find work with my shiny new degree and today I still don't know how. I did try the rather sparse career services my university offered at the time but they were unhelpful. Trying to look for advice on this topic only yields me words like "networking" which is not something I can do.
I'd like to be self-employed too, I don't think I have any skills I can sell but maybe someday I will.
I hope so. Maybe when the training ends I can start wiping it all from my memory and let myself be a human again.
I think the light at the end of my tunnel is just the explosions of the proles revolting, or maybe Snowball came to save us. I hope these references aren't obscure.
I've had two jobs - as a nursery assistant and then an admin apprentice. I much preferred being an apprentice to being a nursery nurse, because it was more like being a student with a handful of easy and predictable tasks (paid therapy hahaa). Apprenticeship wages are not great and apprentice hours made me want to scream sometimes. Fortunately I was entitled to a good amount of paid annual leave.
I think working in a nursery was terrible because
I lasted 3 months in that job (by way of force because I desperately wanted to move away from my dad who is emotionally abusive).
My dream job (apart from being a film writer and director of course) is one that is well structured, clear boundaries and good hours. Something like a receptionist maybe. I'm really hoping your employers will value and respect you this time, as no employee deserves to be pushed that far emotionally. I wish industries made vacancies especially for people on the spectrum, as working is really one of the hardest parts of life for me as well.
Desmond79 said:duty to work
I've been sacked by several employers and told that I'm unemployable.
In one training scheme I was asked to leave after a week and told that no-one would employ me in a million years, so I was wasting my time even trying.
Too much TedTalks junk, these days, when finding work.
It used to be one's duty to work. Now, it's a Hamster Wheel. The Fabians sought to punish productivity and reward procrastination.
I've been ordered by my universal credit workcoach to watch YouTube videos on body language and interview skills in order to improve.
I had all the training on interview skills in the world, but always himmed and hammed. I'm just not an interviewee.
NAS75899 said:maybe I've just been more susceptible to trauma than a neurotypical person would have bee
The task will be discovering what is amazing about the autistic brain and different than NT and what's trauma. I sometimes say it too much, but I've found great comfort in ethics and aesthetics. 50 years ago it would be more typical to be dependable, to have a think before responding, to encourage understanding and be analytical, regard truth as something to seek and so on - characteristics that we can be known for. Same with sensory objects - lights, sound, scents. If fire is ideal, LED is not. Chemically made scents are in everything which a bit of baking soda and vinegar can sort out. I would suggest things have changed a great deal socially in society to where we can be noticeably different. Most of this would have to do with how we perceive, understand and relate in the world. It's not better, just different.
NAS75899 said:Will a less social job help?
I would say yes. Microbiology sounds amazing, would you be able to work in research? What about extending into immunology or fungi? Or plant life in general - a nursery, for instance.
Soft Skills are typically not for Autists. We're great socialising with one another, but not with Neurotypical individuals who want customer service reps to exchange their secret codes in a secretly coded pre-programmed manner. Unless you've taken improv classes, it will always be incredibly nebulous. Even after improv classes it will be exhausting to 'play along'.
If I look up soft skills, Self-Management and Focus are the only two of the lot which the autistic brain might enjoy and thrive at. But by self management I simply mean being driven to finish a task or project in great detail because leaving anything open ended or undone can be maddening to us by default.
I work for myself, but over time as anything administrative takes me far longer than it would most and I always have to go back and double check my files, my emails my information before sending/filing. But I did experience years of heartbreak thinking there was something wrong with me, that I lacked intellect or just wasn't interesting enough... I had been let go so many times for the same reason. It's a bit Devine and a bit of a Wonderland how I sort of 'fell' into what I'm doing. It's not the kind of income I'd like to make, but I'm able to just make enough and help my son a little. So, much better than 20 years ago :)
NAS75899 said:I hear phrases like "rapport" and "soft skills"
You're not alone. This empty corporate-management-speak has found its way into everyday language. As our humanity is devalued more and more, and our worth becomes linked to our productivity, this kind of soulless, mutated business-speak will increase at a dizzying rate. Be kind to yourself, by being yourself. Never change who you are to fit in. Don't join in with behaviours (including ways of talking) that don't resonate with you. Successful people and interesting people are the ones who refuse to follow the herd, and maintain their individuality no matter what the situation or environment. You will be fine!
It seems that the life has been sucked out of younger generations. With Bog-Standard Schooling, and a Cul-De-Sac of Dead-End jobs. I was a Guinea Pig for your generation. Graduating in 2001; and being unable to forge a career out of my Degree.
However, God had other plans. He didn't want me to become a stooge. He wanted me to live, rather than merely exist.
Hope you can see a light at the end of the tunnel; which isn't a Gorilla in a Miner's Hat carrying a Baseball Bat.
That's good to hear, I'm glad you found somewhere that works for you. Hopefully, I can end up somewhere halfway tolerable too.
Yes, I have had similar experiences.
I have often struggled to find employment that didn't cause me problems in some form or other. 'Lucky breaks' can arise though if you keep on persisting. These entry level call centre jobs that many of us have to endure, can lead to nicer roles. 'Off the phone' admin roles do exist in these places, and if you have the ability to focus and be productive, as your post would suggest, then things can fall into place and become more bearable, even enjoyable and rewarding, it can and does happen. Even for people like me and you.
In my previous job before this one, which was customer service in property management, I ended up enjoying the job so much that I would happily volunteer to do overtime most weekends, something would have been previously completely unthinkable for me to ever consider, such did I hate some of my previous roles. But I really liked that role, the camaraderie amongst colleagues was amazing, and you could really make a difference to people by being good at your job.