Published on 12, July, 2020
I haven't ever made a public post about my autism like this, I just know I want to say something... even if I'm not 100% sure what that something is.
I'm self-diagnosed, I started finally accepting that I'm autistic a few months ago now and I'm currently in training for my first job in 5 years. I'm 27 now and I have had a few jobs in the past, usually they lasted around 1 month and I managed to stick with one for about 6 months. For a long time, I thought I had just been so unlucky with the life I got (abusive parents, exposure to violence and drugs growing up, neglectful teachers, exploitative employers, and so on) that when I finally got a home I can live in alone through social housing and benefits that, mostly, got me enough money to stay alive. Hm, that sentence sure did get long.
Anyway, when I finally got this home I thought "Now I can recover from all those traumatic experiences at my own pace, and eventually I'll be able to cope with normal life as a normal person". But, if I'm right about how my autism has affected my experiences then maybe I've just been more susceptible to trauma than a neurotypical person would have been, maybe the idea of recovering and becoming normal is flawed. Maybe I'm just doomed to repeat the pattern and the job I have now is going to break me again.
Ah, this job. It's a call centre job and I work it from home on my PC. I have worked in 2 other call centres in the past, the first was temporary. Just a week long and it was bearable. The second was the most difficult time of my entire life, worse than growing up in my family, worse than the isolation and bullying in high school. Frankly, it made me suicidal and one of the two friends I had at the time become more resentful of me the more negative I became. Now, my current job I haven't officially started and maybe it'll be fine. After all, I found it through a "work and health programme" in the job centre after I specifically asked for minimum customer service and stress. But the training so far has been giving me flashbacks, I hear phrases like "rapport" and "soft skills" and I instantly clench up and feel nauseous and after just 3 days I've been crying and self-medicating with alcohol.
I just don't know what to do. I can take care of myself, I can cook and clean and maintain hygiene. I just haven't been able to survive in any job I've had and I don't even know what I can ask an employer to do to help me cope better. Will short shifts help? Will a less social job help? Are there even entry-level jobs I can do that aren't hospitality or customer service? It's not like I'm not capable of getting educated or learning skills, I got a microbiology degree and sure I don't know what I can do with it but I like to think it counts for something. I need money to live but all the ways I can find of getting money are harmful to me and it's not like Universal Credit is enough to keep living on if I ever want to pay off debts or to have a decent quality of life. I'm pretty sure I'm too "functioning" to get any other kinds of benefits.
So this is my life now. Trying whatever job I can get, inevitably more call centre work, and hoping it'll just happen to work out for me because I don't know what realistic adjustments I can hope for. "Hello, I see conversations as simple exchanges of information and trying to force myself to behave in the ways you want burn me out, can I please never have to talk to someone?" By the way, it's not like I *want* to avoid people, I'm actually quite a lonely person and I love interacting with people even if it is tiring. It's just the way employers demand I communicate that I can't deal with.
Finally, in an attempt to get some kind of question out of this so it's less of a pointless shout into the void, has anyone had similar experiences? Has anyone found ways to make work life more bearable? Are there any suggestions for work that might be suitable for me?
NAS75899 said:maybe I've just been more susceptible to trauma than a neurotypical person would have bee
The task will be discovering what is amazing about the autistic brain and different than NT and what's trauma. I sometimes say it too much, but I've found great comfort in ethics and aesthetics. 50 years ago it would be more typical to be dependable, to have a think before responding, to encourage understanding and be analytical, regard truth as something to seek and so on - characteristics that we can be known for. Same with sensory objects - lights, sound, scents. If fire is ideal, LED is not. Chemically made scents are in everything which a bit of baking soda and vinegar can sort out. I would suggest things have changed a great deal socially in society to where we can be noticeably different. Most of this would have to do with how we perceive, understand and relate in the world. It's not better, just different.
NAS75899 said:Will a less social job help?
I would say yes. Microbiology sounds amazing, would you be able to work in research? What about extending into immunology or fungi? Or plant life in general - a nursery, for instance.
Soft Skills are typically not for Autists. We're great socialising with one another, but not with Neurotypical individuals who want customer service reps to exchange their secret codes in a secretly coded pre-programmed manner. Unless you've taken improv classes, it will always be incredibly nebulous. Even after improv classes it will be exhausting to 'play along'.
If I look up soft skills, Self-Management and Focus are the only two of the lot which the autistic brain might enjoy and thrive at. But by self management I simply mean being driven to finish a task or project in great detail because leaving anything open ended or undone can be maddening to us by default.
I work for myself, but over time as anything administrative takes me far longer than it would most and I always have to go back and double check my files, my emails my information before sending/filing. But I did experience years of heartbreak thinking there was something wrong with me, that I lacked intellect or just wasn't interesting enough... I had been let go so many times for the same reason. It's a bit Devine and a bit of a Wonderland how I sort of 'fell' into what I'm doing. It's not the kind of income I'd like to make, but I'm able to just make enough and help my son a little. So, much better than 20 years ago :)
I had all the training on interview skills in the world, but always himmed and hammed. I'm just not an interviewee.
I've been ordered by my universal credit workcoach to watch YouTube videos on body language and interview skills in order to improve.
Desmond79 said:duty to work
I've been sacked by several employers and told that I'm unemployable.
In one training scheme I was asked to leave after a week and told that no-one would employ me in a million years, so I was wasting my time even trying.