Relationship with Asperger's man

I am very hugging, tactile person with my wife and children, but I find physical contact with people I do not know, or do not know very well, extremely unpleasant. I think many autistic people have similar reactions. Once we get to know and trust someone we can be physically affectionate.

This can be really challenging and is an ever moving feat. Myself (aspie guy) and my partner (NT woman), have been together for 15 years s only since my diagnosis earlier this year have we both started to get or heads around some of the traits you are experiencing. On that front consider yourself lucky, as you’re already a massive step ahead.

For me there are only a handful of places I will go and things I will do with little notice. These are usually in my local area and places I have already done all of the research I need to do in the past. Going to the cinema for example, there are only a few I will go to and I have to sit in a very specific seat. If I can’t determine this I won’t go. Add to this that if I have a bad experience, that’s it! That cinema comes off the acceptable list and I will quite possibly never go there again. My partner finds this a real difficult to deal with because for her “didn’t go well” can be so innocuous that it barely registered, but for me it’s traumatic. This happened at a cinema in Devon when we were away. I thought the seat was on an aisle, but it turned out to be against the wall. I had a panic attack and ran out.

I’ve used the cinema scenario as a reference points or you, but this behaviour for me relates to everything. I need my NT partner in my life, because otherwise I would quite likely never leave the house, but it has taken me a long time to trust here.

If you are serious about a relationship with this guy you are going to have to take time to understand his parameters. I would suggest planning a few evenings at home, watching movies, playing board games, or just talking. Get to know the places he will go and stick to those for a while so he can learn to trust you. Don’t assume that an approved venue is the end of the line though. If he agrees to go to a restaurant, then you need to ask where he wants to sit, what time go etc etc. This is probably different for all aspies. If you want to introduce somewhere new, then suggest it weeks in advance, let him do his research, then book it together. If you give him a get out of jail that would help. For us, my partner understands that if we go somewhere new and I get there and say no, it’s not for me, that’s it we’re going home. Although, just knowing this, for me, makes me more willing to try new places.

I wouldn’t recommend not communicating with him though, as previously suggested. If you stop communicating with me I would assume you had decided not to continue with the relationship and would never have the confidence to actually ask, so would just leave you to it!

In my opinion, Aspie/NT relationships can work well because it opens the NT persons eyes and expands the Aspie persons life experience and involvement, but it takes time. Stick with it.

Easy to overthink this type of thing. Why not gently just ask him. Maybe he’d appreciate the fact you noticed and you can see what his answer is. Also the fact you are thinking about his thought processes.

often Frank talking like this enriches your relationship if he is very interested in you and you are prepared to show this aspect of yourself 

Thank you

Best wishes to you both.

No problem. I identify with him because I have done the same. I used to have someone I would talk to ALL the time and it was so exciting but it would suddenly get all too much so I'd turn off my phone with no warning and pretend emails/text didn't exist from Friday to Monday because I couldn't cope otherwise.

I don't do that any more though since I learnt to plan ahead a bit better.

Thanks Martin. When we first got together I had to ask him for a hug. However, recently he's been much more tactile without prompting. Neither of us have said I love you yet, me because I don't want to scare him and him, I suspect, because he doesn't see the need to. Instead we both demonstrate our feelings towards each other by actions which suits us fine!

People on the autism spectrum tend to see relationships as fixed, whereas neurotypicals engage in a lot of relationship maintenance. From the autistic point of view it can be as literal as, "I told you I loved you 15 years ago, why do I need to say it again?" Lack of communication from an autistic can be absolutely no reflection about how they feel.

Disclaimer I am not officially diagnosed but believe to be what would be called High functioning Aspergers.  Sometime I can carry on conversations texts etc fine but then others I just send one word answers like you describe.  If you have talked about possible Aspergers then you could say something like "don't feel you have to answer straight away or in detail or something like that.

Thanks for your comments, that's what I thought to be honest. I know he likes me, because he tells me so. I think I just needed confirmation from someone who has a similar outlook as he does

It is quite likely that he's getting a bit overwhelmed with the increase in intensity but finds it hard to express that. He probably likes it and got excited, since he's the one who messaged you a lot more. But it can still be kind of exhausting. If you're only getting brief answers don't put him under pressure to elaborate, just minimise communication for a few days and leave him to initiate the next conversation. Then you'll know if he just needed some quiet time or if he genuinely lost interest (more likely the former).

For me, the idea that I could be expected to respond at any time of day leaves me very on edge and distracted so I much prefer to talk less by social media and save up most conversations for real face-to-face quality time :)

Disclaimer: I'm not an Asperger's man, I'm a probably-Asperger's woman.