Relationship with Asperger's man

This can be really challenging and is an ever moving feat. Myself (aspie guy) and my partner (NT woman), have been together for 15 years s only since my diagnosis earlier this year have we both started to get or heads around some of the traits you are experiencing. On that front consider yourself lucky, as you’re already a massive step ahead.

For me there are only a handful of places I will go and things I will do with little notice. These are usually in my local area and places I have already done all of the research I need to do in the past. Going to the cinema for example, there are only a few I will go to and I have to sit in a very specific seat. If I can’t determine this I won’t go. Add to this that if I have a bad experience, that’s it! That cinema comes off the acceptable list and I will quite possibly never go there again. My partner finds this a real difficult to deal with because for her “didn’t go well” can be so innocuous that it barely registered, but for me it’s traumatic. This happened at a cinema in Devon when we were away. I thought the seat was on an aisle, but it turned out to be against the wall. I had a panic attack and ran out.

I’ve used the cinema scenario as a reference points or you, but this behaviour for me relates to everything. I need my NT partner in my life, because otherwise I would quite likely never leave the house, but it has taken me a long time to trust here.

If you are serious about a relationship with this guy you are going to have to take time to understand his parameters. I would suggest planning a few evenings at home, watching movies, playing board games, or just talking. Get to know the places he will go and stick to those for a while so he can learn to trust you. Don’t assume that an approved venue is the end of the line though. If he agrees to go to a restaurant, then you need to ask where he wants to sit, what time go etc etc. This is probably different for all aspies. If you want to introduce somewhere new, then suggest it weeks in advance, let him do his research, then book it together. If you give him a get out of jail that would help. For us, my partner understands that if we go somewhere new and I get there and say no, it’s not for me, that’s it we’re going home. Although, just knowing this, for me, makes me more willing to try new places.

I wouldn’t recommend not communicating with him though, as previously suggested. If you stop communicating with me I would assume you had decided not to continue with the relationship and would never have the confidence to actually ask, so would just leave you to it!

In my opinion, Aspie/NT relationships can work well because it opens the NT persons eyes and expands the Aspie persons life experience and involvement, but it takes time. Stick with it.

This can be really challenging and is an ever moving feat. Myself (aspie guy) and my partner (NT woman), have been together for 15 years s only since my diagnosis earlier this year have we both started to get or heads around some of the traits you are experiencing. On that front consider yourself lucky, as you’re already a massive step ahead.

For me there are only a handful of places I will go and things I will do with little notice. These are usually in my local area and places I have already done all of the research I need to do in the past. Going to the cinema for example, there are only a few I will go to and I have to sit in a very specific seat. If I can’t determine this I won’t go. Add to this that if I have a bad experience, that’s it! That cinema comes off the acceptable list and I will quite possibly never go there again. My partner finds this a real difficult to deal with because for her “didn’t go well” can be so innocuous that it barely registered, but for me it’s traumatic. This happened at a cinema in Devon when we were away. I thought the seat was on an aisle, but it turned out to be against the wall. I had a panic attack and ran out.

I’ve used the cinema scenario as a reference points or you, but this behaviour for me relates to everything. I need my NT partner in my life, because otherwise I would quite likely never leave the house, but it has taken me a long time to trust here.

If you are serious about a relationship with this guy you are going to have to take time to understand his parameters. I would suggest planning a few evenings at home, watching movies, playing board games, or just talking. Get to know the places he will go and stick to those for a while so he can learn to trust you. Don’t assume that an approved venue is the end of the line though. If he agrees to go to a restaurant, then you need to ask where he wants to sit, what time go etc etc. This is probably different for all aspies. If you want to introduce somewhere new, then suggest it weeks in advance, let him do his research, then book it together. If you give him a get out of jail that would help. For us, my partner understands that if we go somewhere new and I get there and say no, it’s not for me, that’s it we’re going home. Although, just knowing this, for me, makes me more willing to try new places.

I wouldn’t recommend not communicating with him though, as previously suggested. If you stop communicating with me I would assume you had decided not to continue with the relationship and would never have the confidence to actually ask, so would just leave you to it!

In my opinion, Aspie/NT relationships can work well because it opens the NT persons eyes and expands the Aspie persons life experience and involvement, but it takes time. Stick with it.