Growing old alone

Yes, that's true.  Thanks for the observation!

I worry about this, but a worry is a thought not a fact.

Hi Sally, I'm sorry to hear it's such a worry for you too.  I can relate to what you say about feeling depressed on your own.  I feel isolated a lot even now, in my 30s.  Since realising that I'm probably autistic, I have begun to understand the reasons why I've isolated myself, and now I am trying to change the situation.  At the moment I'm just starting to look for Meetup groups.  I haven't actually gone to any, but just making an active effort to try to change my situation is helping me feel a bit better.  Sometimes I visualise myself alone and isolated in the future, but then I think that the story doesn't have to end that way, I can change the ending of the story if I make an effort now.  Relationships never used to be a priority for me, but I want to try to change that.   

Recently I had a chat with someone else I know who isn't planning to have children.  They said that they were planning to make adaptations, e.g. have a thing that they could wear round their neck with a button to press to get help.   It made me realise that, although I visualise myself alone and helpless in an emergency, in reality I will have had time to plan ahead and make arrangements for what I will do if I need help.  

I hope that you will always have people you can turn to.  I'm glad that I can come here, even if it isn't in real life.  If I hadn't realised I was autistic, I wouldn't have this community of people who understand how I feel.

I have learned to cope well, on my own, but can't budget for s**t!

I worry about this exact thing such a lot, I am a big worrier, I now live with my mum and her husband, I tried loving on my own but got really depressed and found even when I went out, the contrast to being back home on my own was really big, and I ended up cutting myself. It wasn’t good for me, yeah although my mum and her husband give me great support at the moment, this is still a big thing I worry about in the future.

You might get hit by a bus tomorrow. Or you might live to a ripe old age and have no problems.  Even if you have a massive net work of people, you might outlive them all and end up on your own anyway. We don't know what is around the corner, but of course I understand me saying these things doesn't help your concerns :-)

I think about it too as I'm mid 30s and unsure about having kids. For me it's about feeling connected to a person that you would never get with anyone else. Even if they lived on the other side of the world. But I have lots of worries about having a child and I kind of think if it was what I wanted it wouldve happened by now. 

yes i understand what you are saying and do think about it from time to time

Hi Out_of_step,

Thanks for your reply.  I agree with you, it's important to be independent and for happiness to come from within.  I feel that I'm quite independent already, but still it's a bit scary to think about being isolated later on in life when I might be less able to help myself than I am now.  I don't know if that makes sense.  Maybe different people worry about that to different extents.

yes, you are right, you have to be comfortable with yourself first

Hi Fibonacci Squid,

Thanks for your message.  I'm glad that your viola teacher has a good support network around her.  It sounds like you like in a village.  I'm living in London, and in a way I would prefer to live somewhere with more of a sense of community, but I know some of the neighbours on my street.  It can feel quite isolating here, though.

Realising that I'm probably autistic has made me reassess a lot of things, and I now realise that I want to put more into relationships.  There are some barriers for me, in terms of making more friends, but unless I spend more time on relationships then I am going to be lonely in old age, so I want to make changes now, so that the end of the story is different.

My friend in her sixties has no family.  She has a couple of close friends she relies on. She seems very happy with her life choices but I don't know if they are by choice or circumstantial. Ive learned from others it's about feeling comfortable with who you are. My friends who seem happiest and most independent in their lives do not rely on anyone else for anything. Their happiness comes from within and anything from anyone else is a bonus.

Hi BJS,

I'm really sorry to hear about the divorce.  I hope things get better for you, and that in 20 years' time you'll be in a situation that you're happy in and that suits you better.

I am looking ahead and imagining how things might be later in life, if I don't make changes now.  I only recently became fairly sure that I'm autistic, and until then I neglected my friendships and hid my feelings in work.  Now that I know I'm probably autistic, I want to make some changes, and try to build a strong social network so that the ending of the story is different, so to speak.  But I don't think I'll ever be able to have children - I can't imagine it.  I don't think I would be a good parent.  So that's why I started thinking about this topic.

I'm glad that your Dad coped fairly well with living on his own.

Hi Caelus, 

Thanks for your reply.  Yes, I've heard about similar kinds of communities.  At the moment I don't know whether or not I would be able to move house, or how much it might cost to live in a type of community like that.  I guess I could do a bit of research, but maybe it's better not to worry too much about hypotheticals at this stage - I don't know what my situation will be like in a few decades' time, assuming I live that long.

My viola teacher's husband died two years ago and her son lives in Canada so for the purposes of medical emergencies, she is alone. She is supported by my family and the families of a few other of her ex-students, as well as a community care team to allow her to continue living independently. And when she was in hospital and recovering afterwards it was the families who did taking stuff she needed in and visiting and helping her sort out her recovery.

There are people in my village who were old without family and neighbours helped them out with what they needed. I think there are people out there who will give you a hand whether you're related to them or not, and it doesn't necessarily have to be close friends.

My dad was on his own for about 25 years and coped quite well, he did go out to various activities, my sister lived fairly close so she saw him, i was 200 miles away so didn't see him much.

If you check back in with me n about 20 years I'll let you know how its gong as i am just getting a divorce and buying a house so i'll be on my own.

i think they generally go in care homes..... although they maybe if you have harder trouble living to the point of dementia maybe

but there are other type of homes not as radical and invasive as care homes, like some sort of assisted living homes. my aunt had a friend who was in one, and they are basically the same as flats, a estate of flats which you have you own flat and live like normal independantly but the site has carers and in each flat there is like pull string things that summon carer help. these are installed all over, from the living room to one at your bed that you can pull in bed if you need help.