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Growing old alone

Ultramarine

I've been at A&E all night accompanying my mum - luckily she is all fine now and the problem turned out to be not serious.

But it got me thinking - how do people cope when they are elderly and have no children and perhaps no partner either; what do they do if they need help in a medical emergency?  I know you can always call emergency services, but what about emotional support and just feeling like you're not completely alone.

I've never felt that I have the emotional or relational skills to raise a child (I am 38 now) - and anyway, I wouldn't just have children so that there was someone to care for me in old age, as I feel that that would be a selfish motivation.  (Also kids have their own lives and plans).  I really don't think I could raise a child well, because I need so much down time on my own in order to function well.  But on the other hand, I sometimes wonder about how I will feel later on, as I get older - I hate the thought of being elderly and vulnerable and on my own.  I've never been in a long-term relationship; I might try again soon but I don't know if it will work out.

I guess I was just wondering if you know any older people in this situation and if so, how do they cope.  Or are you in this situation?

On the one hand I spend a lot of life on my own and feel comfortable that way, but on the other hand, I really struggle without any emotional support.  It's a kind of paradox.

PS - Thank you so much to everyone who's replied to my other posts - I want to reply properly, individually to everyone - hopefully I will be able to do this today.

Parents

  • My friend in her sixties has no family.  She has a couple of close friends she relies on. She seems very happy with her life choices but I don't know if they are by choice or circumstantial. Ive learned from others it's about feeling comfortable with who you are. My friends who seem happiest and most independent in their lives do not rely on anyone else for anything. Their happiness comes from within and anything from anyone else is a bonus.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Hi Out_of_step,

    Thanks for your reply.  I agree with you, it's important to be independent and for happiness to come from within.  I feel that I'm quite independent already, but still it's a bit scary to think about being isolated later on in life when I might be less able to help myself than I am now.  I don't know if that makes sense.  Maybe different people worry about that to different extents.

  • in reply to Ultramarine

    I worry about this exact thing such a lot, I am a big worrier, I now live with my mum and her husband, I tried loving on my own but got really depressed and found even when I went out, the contrast to being back home on my own was really big, and I ended up cutting myself. It wasn’t good for me, yeah although my mum and her husband give me great support at the moment, this is still a big thing I worry about in the future.

  • in reply to Sally

    Hi Sally, I'm sorry to hear it's such a worry for you too.  I can relate to what you say about feeling depressed on your own.  I feel isolated a lot even now, in my 30s.  Since realising that I'm probably autistic, I have begun to understand the reasons why I've isolated myself, and now I am trying to change the situation.  At the moment I'm just starting to look for Meetup groups.  I haven't actually gone to any, but just making an active effort to try to change my situation is helping me feel a bit better.  Sometimes I visualise myself alone and isolated in the future, but then I think that the story doesn't have to end that way, I can change the ending of the story if I make an effort now.  Relationships never used to be a priority for me, but I want to try to change that.   

    Recently I had a chat with someone else I know who isn't planning to have children.  They said that they were planning to make adaptations, e.g. have a thing that they could wear round their neck with a button to press to get help.   It made me realise that, although I visualise myself alone and helpless in an emergency, in reality I will have had time to plan ahead and make arrangements for what I will do if I need help.  

    I hope that you will always have people you can turn to.  I'm glad that I can come here, even if it isn't in real life.  If I hadn't realised I was autistic, I wouldn't have this community of people who understand how I feel.

Reply
  • in reply to Sally

    Hi Sally, I'm sorry to hear it's such a worry for you too.  I can relate to what you say about feeling depressed on your own.  I feel isolated a lot even now, in my 30s.  Since realising that I'm probably autistic, I have begun to understand the reasons why I've isolated myself, and now I am trying to change the situation.  At the moment I'm just starting to look for Meetup groups.  I haven't actually gone to any, but just making an active effort to try to change my situation is helping me feel a bit better.  Sometimes I visualise myself alone and isolated in the future, but then I think that the story doesn't have to end that way, I can change the ending of the story if I make an effort now.  Relationships never used to be a priority for me, but I want to try to change that.   

    Recently I had a chat with someone else I know who isn't planning to have children.  They said that they were planning to make adaptations, e.g. have a thing that they could wear round their neck with a button to press to get help.   It made me realise that, although I visualise myself alone and helpless in an emergency, in reality I will have had time to plan ahead and make arrangements for what I will do if I need help.  

    I hope that you will always have people you can turn to.  I'm glad that I can come here, even if it isn't in real life.  If I hadn't realised I was autistic, I wouldn't have this community of people who understand how I feel.

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