Published on 12, July, 2020
I have been debating about posting this for a month on this forum. This post is personal and I have never told anyone nor posted this on any forum. I’m not sure why I am posting this but I have no-one to offload this information, although I’m probably going to regret this later on. This is a very long post and I’m sure this does not make much sense as people have frequently mentioned about myself, so grab some popcorn and fall asleep due to boredom.I am geographically half English and half South Asian (I can’t say which part), if you want more information then you can message me or comment below. I had a fairly religious upbringing but now I am an agnostic, although I was raised in a religious environment, it is difficult to say whether that was a significant factor for some of my problems. I was diagnosed with atypical autism and ADHD recently. I only speak English, yet I have poor grasp of the language and have always had a communication delay when speaking to others. I am currently in my last year at university and due to graduate in September and have a bunch of assignments plus a dissertation, which I’m behind on whilst working but hopefully I will be gone by then although unlikely, as I don’t see much of a way out as to put it simply everything is in my head and I can’t seem to stop it but also that I don’t fit in anywhere. Although I don’t have much of a grasp of autism, it seems that although I lean towards the high functioning end of the spectrum at times, there are several things I do that would indicate otherwise: not having strict hygiene rules, getting bored of routines, impulsive decision making, poor spending, not being gifted, having numerous but semi-specialised interests. Also when I am on a natural high I am able to filter out a lot of noise but this is very rare and becomes the complete opposite when I am not. I’m a 26 year old male, and I have never really had a girlfriend. I tried online dating a few years ago and even asking women out but just got rejected or usually ghosted and the infamous bot, now I have pretty much given up as I know it is inevitable that I will end up alone and think that I’m one of the only ones who has had this experience, which may not be true but feels like it. I know this is not an issue with ASD because as evident in this forum it is possible. I tend to overthink and overcomplicate everything such as socialising, romance etc, especially when there is no checklist. This is what gets me down quite a lot, is knowing I deserve to be happy but when it comes to execution in reality it’s virtually impossible due to factors such as noise, other people, losing track of thoughts etc. I also misinterpret whether a women is being flirty or friendly and have had bad experiences where I have been laughed at for asking a woman out at previous work places or in a public place. I am also clueless at flirting, I try and avoid it because if I try to flirt too much it comes off as slightly weird, it is not my intention to be like that. If I minimise flirting it comes across as not interested. Despite being exposed to numerous social encounters, I frequently run out of things to talk about and this would prompt me during a “date” to talk about random topics from reincarnating as an animal to top trumps or my other interests, which seems to lose their attention pretty quickly before asking them out.Although, I went to an autistic meet-up around 3-4 years ago and there was a women who I believe was a couple of years older than me, she had an interest in theology. It was the first time that I had a conversation, where I was able to talk about my interests and hers without her going on her phone or losing interest, it was incredible, I don’t use this word at all normally. I was speaking to her on the train, it was then my stop on the tube and getting caught up in the moment, I forgot to ask for her number, a chance like that would be next to impossible to happen again particularly given the fact she took an active interest in me and my interests and we seemed to both be interested in each other.On a side note, whether it comes to trying to get a girlfriend or friends for that matter, I make bad first impressions because I am sometimes skeptical of people due to past experiences. I have just landed a new job and within the first month although it seems great I feel like quitting part of the reason is due to not fitting in, even though the team is good I can’t seem to have conversations as they talk about relationships, family and other common social topics, which I try to get involved in but fail, this is not something new but was there when I was younger, but then it was an ignorance is bliss type situation now it is the opposite. This has been a recurring problem. I’m not a negative person although contrary to above and I am sometimes around of myself and achievements but also I am a much more intelligent and a better person now than I was but my confidence before was far more than it is now. I have been told that I am lucky and to grow up, it is true that I am fortunate in terms of my family but when you are surrounded by very high achievers in all aspects of life, when you have not done nearly as much it is frustrating. I try not to compare myself but again when it comes to execution in reality it is impossible to ignore. Although I thought about going on ‘Undateables’ (not a fan of the name) but due to my parent’s being well known in their community, other people would not be too kind towards them. I don’t really see a way out, it seems like I shouldn’t be complaining but when you cannot reset your mind or delete negative thoughts, whilst exhausting all other avenue in addition to being lonely (not physically but mentally), declining health, increasing workload and other factors, then there is not much point.
This is me at my worst, it is difficult to get an accurate representation overall but at my best I have a pretty good sense of humour, my interests keep me going and I don't think about loneliness but both of these states occur throughout a whole day.
If you have any questions or any suggestions then feel free to comment or to message me directly.
your not alone. your experiences are always similar to everyone else. which you find you can relate to people here more.i too never had relationship and no social life, i recently tried dating sites but as you mentioned no luck aside from bots. im 31 though, and yes i do very much believe theres no hope for us and we shall be alone and have to deal with that and the crushing depression that comes with it.the part what varies is that you say you think you deserve to be happy, where as i found a way to cope with the depression and loneliness and worthless life is to think instead that you deserve to be punished, then it sorta makes you accept it more as a way to cope with it. after all if you cant fix it you have to cope with it and live with it. and thinking you deserve happiness and a life like everyone else will possibly make you feel worse when you cant exactly get it i figure.
Hi Caelus, thanks for your reply. Yes unfortunately it seems inevitable. I get what you mean in terms of expectation. It does not seem to be much of away out. My new work plus my university workload will probably send me over the edge.
Yeah, so sorry about that. I realised as I wrote it, other people face obstacles I don't. The good thing about Autism seems to be that we are persistent. I'm sure you'll get yourself a set of decent relationships with both humans and the pet of your choice, sooner or later. You come across as a pretty decent sort in what you write..
my dad hates cats lol no convincing him, hard to talk to him anyway, hes not the type of person you can even talk to lol
I think I'd work on those parents, and see if you can't change their minds...
Work it all out first though, like whether you want a "house cat" or an "out doors type", Where you'll be fitting the catflap, where you'd put a litter tray if needed. How you will fund four or five pouches of sheba per day, etc.
You'd be surprised how even an unpleasant set of parents like mine were can take to a cat...
And (the biggest lie I've ever told my girlfriend) "They are no trouble, they practically look after themselves".. As indeed they will, if they really can't get YOU to do every little thing for them...
i love cats and would like to have one, but i dont get on in life and so i still live in my parents house with no hope of getting my own place or life, and my dad wont let us have any pet at all as hes grumpy and hates pets lol so never was allowed a cat or anything. have to get my own place which is seemingly impossible.
Hi I Sperg , That was a great response. At the moment, I do have a dog it is a family one as currently living with my parents. Hoping to move out soon at least. I was thinking of getting a cat when I do but I think it is a lot of money as well and I want to make sure the cat has enough to go by. I need to focus and making sure my degree is all sorted as well. I’m more going for long term dating I think that for casual encounters it requires a bar setting and I don’t take noise very well. Hopefully I can get through this I will be more active on this forum as well and help others more importantly.
OMG, I so resonate with what you guys are saying. BUT, my Dr and Trick Cyclist both expressed surprise at my ability to build and maintain some crucial relationships, so maybe I can tell you what worked for me?..
For me when I hit puberty it was like everyone else became "psychic" suddenly and I didn't. A state that was to persist throughout my twenties until I took action.
The two things that helped me most of all was to
1. Get a cat. (I guess a dog would do, but I liked the self sufficiency of cats) Cats operate in two modes, they either look after themselves, or they look after YOU. That depends on the relationship you are able to build. They will also train your psychic talents if you like that sort of thing.
2. A book entitled "Games People Play". A mix of light and heavy reading that pretty much simplifies and explains how the neurotypical and to a decent extent our own minds work.
In matters of love, unless you are VERY lucky, you are going to have to suck down a lot of disappointment, and be patient, whilst you learn how to make it work. Doesn't mean you should not try. For hetero-sexual men, after money, charisma, and physique, the real winning qualities are 1. having a good heart despite the crap we all have to put up with. 2. having D.I.Y. skills & 3. Having spider handling skills.
I've been called "Selfish" on many occasions in my youth, but I'm reasonably convinced now that they were mislabelling my lack of ability to predict their needs as a lack of interest in fulfilling them.
Although N.T. "culture" is very dog eat dog, And if they percieve you as "weak" or "gullible" YOU are on the menu, so it isn't going to be easy. But everyone (mostly) likes a harmless non-angry person, and Autism as we all know is perhaps the most annoying condition known to man, so managing to have those meltdowns in private, is quite desirable if you can manage it.
Better still, I believe is the strategy I am now pursuing of "measuring my own mood". For example: If I wake up thinking about my "family" I know I've got my grumpy head on. It only seems fair to either warn my partner, or if she has her grumpy head on, stay out of each others way for a bit. We certainly are managing to communicate a bit better now.
Sexual loneliness is hard enough to cope with, but emotional loneliness destroys you, and a decent quality pet like a cat (or a dog if you are happy with the increased care and excercise requirements) will certainly help with easing the emotional loneliness part of the equation and also give you experience of managing "someone" elses's needs both the "looking after" part and also emotional needs. My cat has enough personality to weight up which human is best to ask for which serbvice on a particular day. He visibly smiles when I make him happy, and can even tear up if I'm really on my game... He can hand out the withering looks when I get something wrong, so yeah, it sure looks like there is "someone" in there. "Someone" however who often has very different drives, needs, and expectations to my own, who views the world from an entirely different perspective (and with differently structured eyes too!) so there's quite a challenge to overcome for many poeple in getting a decent level of communication going. BUT the Asperger's/Autism, because it alienates us from N.T's actually forces us to try harder to communicate anyway. Since a cat has much simpler needs (seemingly) than a fellow human, it is easier to make them happy.
There seem to be at least seven basic desires for a neutered cat. Food, company, catnip, treats, play, Little routines like saying hello when entering a room, a bit of guidance (believe it or not, all the cats I've known will stay away from the road, if you take the time to explain how important it is. I don't fully understand how it works but it worked for my evil stepmother, and it;s worked for the three cats I have had in my life. And all the cats I have had have been perfectly capable of telling me what thy want when they want it, I've had huge difficulty in being able to recognise it however...
That difficulty in "recognising the signs" has cost me participation several times in either full relationships, or on occasion casual sexual encounters, I realised with the benefit of hindsight.
At this point the cat hears me making tea in the kitchen, and I hear him jump down off the spare bed. Now, whilst I really hate in principle having to interrupt my activities to serve his requirements, I have found I also derive a great deal of joy out of it sometimes. It turned out that he wanted a line of catnip, (there is a piece of A4 paper kept under the table as a serving area, he goes and pointedly looks at it then if I don't get the message he sits on it. He likes me close by, but not moving or interacting whilst he gets his jollies from that, and then rather abruptly it wears off and he sits straight upright and looks at me all trim and innocent like. This is actually an invitation to violence, but I know the routine and go along with it. I pet the side of his face and he very deliberately (but gently) bites my hand. this goes on for a very short while while he carefully increases the strength of the bite until I respond with mock annoyance saying "pointy fingerr" and pointing at him with the one hand whilst reaching for a "cat beating tool". He in the meantime is now sitting bolt upright and giving me a pure look of "well, what are you going to do about it then?" Until I start weilding whichever of the feathery toys I have chosen to pester him with, it takes ten or twenty minutes before he has had enough of that, and I have to be creative with this stuff and think up new things to do or find new toys from time to time, but this seems to mean less dead small animals will arrive... I Like to finish a play session with a couple of treats so he gets the full "I chased it, killed it, ate it" experience. Then rather abruptly, and seemingly very rudely, he gets up and leaves for the outside world at 04:00 a.m. Leaving me to finish my post...