WARNING - SOME INFORMATION MAY BE UPSETTING TO SOME PEOPLE!!!

I have been debating about posting this for a month on this forum. This post is personal and I have never told anyone nor posted this on any forum. I’m not sure why I am posting this but I have no-one to offload this information, although I’m probably going to regret this later on. This is a very long post and I’m sure this does not make much sense as people have frequently mentioned about myself, so grab some popcorn and fall asleep due to boredom.

I am geographically half English and half South Asian (I can’t say which part), if you want more information then you can message me or comment below. I had a fairly religious upbringing but now I am an agnostic, although I was raised in a religious environment, it is difficult to say  whether  that was a significant factor for some of my problems. I was diagnosed with atypical autism and ADHD recently. I only speak English, yet I have poor grasp of the language and have always had a communication delay when speaking to others. I am currently in my last year at university and due to graduate in September and have a bunch of assignments plus a  dissertation, which I’m behind on whilst working but hopefully I will be gone by then although unlikely, as I don’t see much of a way out as to put it simply everything is in my head and I can’t seem to stop it but also that I don’t fit in anywhere. Although I don’t have much of a grasp of autism, it  seems that although I lean towards the high functioning end of the spectrum at times, there are several things I do that would indicate otherwise: not having strict hygiene rules, getting bored of routines, impulsive decision making, poor spending, not being gifted, having numerous but semi-specialised interests. Also  when I am on a natural high I am able to filter out a lot of noise but this is very rare and becomes the complete opposite when I am not.

I’m a 26 year old male, and I have never really had a girlfriend. I tried online dating a few years ago and even asking women out but just got rejected  or usually ghosted and the infamous bot, now I have pretty much given up as I know it is inevitable that I will end up alone and think that I’m one of the only ones who has had this experience, which may not be true but feels like it. I know this is not an issue with ASD because as evident in this forum it is possible. I tend to overthink and overcomplicate everything such as socialising, romance etc, especially when there is no checklist.

This is what gets me down quite a lot, is knowing I deserve to be happy but when it comes to execution in reality it’s virtually impossible due to factors such as noise, other people, losing track of thoughts etc.

I also misinterpret whether a women is being flirty or friendly and have had bad experiences where I have been laughed at for asking a woman out at previous work places or in a public place. I am also clueless at flirting, I try and avoid it because if I try to flirt too much it comes off as slightly weird, it is not my intention to be like that. If I minimise flirting it comes across as not interested. Despite being exposed to numerous social encounters, I frequently run out of things to talk about and this would prompt me during a “date” to talk about  random topics from reincarnating as an animal to top trumps or my other interests, which seems to lose their attention pretty quickly before asking them out.

Although, I went to an autistic meet-up around 3-4 years ago and there was a women who I believe was a couple of years older than me, she had an interest in theology. It was the first time that I had a conversation, where I was able to talk about my interests and hers without her going on her phone or losing interest, it was incredible, I don’t use this word at all normally. I was speaking to her on the train, it was then my stop on the tube and getting caught up in the moment, I forgot to ask for her number, a chance like that would be  next to impossible to happen again particularly given the fact she took an active interest in me and my interests and we seemed to both be interested in each other.

On a side note, whether it comes to trying to get a girlfriend or friends for that matter, I make bad first impressions because I am sometimes skeptical of people due to past experiences.

 I have just landed a new job and within the first month although it seems great I feel like quitting part of the reason is due to not fitting in, even though the team is good I can’t seem to have conversations as they talk about relationships, family and other common social topics, which I try to get involved in but fail, this is not something new but was there when I was younger,  but then it was an ignorance is bliss type situation now it is the opposite. This has been a recurring problem.

I’m not a negative person although contrary to above and I am sometimes around of myself and  achievements but also I am  a much more intelligent and a better person now than I was but my confidence before was far more than it is now.  I have been told that I am lucky and to grow up, it is true that I am fortunate in terms of my family but when  you are surrounded by very high achievers in all aspects of life, when you have not done nearly as much it is frustrating. I try not to compare myself but again when it comes to execution in reality it is impossible to ignore. Although I thought about going on ‘Undateables’ (not a fan of the name) but due to my parent’s being well known in their community, other people would not be too kind towards them.  I don’t really see a way out, it seems like I shouldn’t be complaining but when you cannot reset your mind or delete negative thoughts, whilst exhausting all other avenue in addition to being lonely (not physically but mentally), declining health, increasing workload and other factors, then there is not much point.

This is me at my worst, it is difficult to get an accurate representation overall but at my best I have a pretty good sense of humour, my interests keep me going and I don't think about loneliness but both of these states occur throughout a whole day.

If you have any questions or any suggestions then feel free to comment or to message me directly.