WARNING - SOME INFORMATION MAY BE UPSETTING TO SOME PEOPLE!!!

Hi Jo, thanks for your thorough response, apologies for the delay in replying I've been off this forum for a while and relate to what you've mentioned. I'll try and make sure I cover all the points you have mentioned and just add onto the post. I tend to write long answers just to make sure I have covered all points.

Fitting in as you have rightly said is painful. I have been forced into many social situations such as family functions, weddings, events etc and not once have I managed to fit in. I try to fit in at work but have sometimes have  idea what people are talking about and how people manage to have conversations at such a rapid rate such as thinking on the spot, element of humour and keeping people interested in the conversation. It makes me question whether I was misdiagnosed with ASD at all because both online and offline meetups I noticed similar things and not being able to join in. There are certain days when I am alright and pretty confident despite being lonely but certain days I am the complete opposite, I'm not sure why this is but it becomes annoying when trying to plan in advance.

I think when it comes to connection I think it would be nice to think about having a girlfriend but execution for me is very difficult due to overthinking, keeping a conversation up and running for a specific duration, flirting, panic, selling yourself (as in through an informal pitch) and poor listening skills, all of which can't be learnt through a set procedure and you are only given one chance at making the best impression, which is something I could do but only after I got to know her. I don't necessarily struggle with talking to women per se in a workplace on a friendly basis but when it comes to asking out I panic to try and create the best impression i.e. confidence wise even when I am confident, but fear of failure kicks in and ends up becoming a bit of a disaster from previous experience.

As for a dating agency I hadn't thought of that, it is certainly a great idea worth looking at in the near future hopefully. Is this like the face to face version of online dating whereby you ask the agency (app) to help you find a woman based on various interests and characteristics (filters or profile information). Then they introduce you in person, like an untelevised 'undateables' or 'first dates' type situation?

I think that for the lady on the train (sounds like a good book title haha). I was able to create the best impression from talking to her instantly which had never really happened before, this was after the meetup had occured as I joined halfway through. I was talking about what I did for a living and my interest in a particular period of history and her interest in Theology, which I was able to follow and talk about. I could also tell that we were both attracted to each other and she wasn't on her phone at all or rushing off to the train. We get on the tube and it comes to my stop as this was also a busy time with a large crowd and then nerves got  the better of me unfortunately. It took me only a few seconds after the tube left to realise that if I had stayed on the train or got her number we would have been dating for sure and I would not have needed to post this. Despite the fact I have made some costly mistakes, this situation is by far the biggest regret and made me lose all chance of getting a girlfriend, given her interest in me and my own nerves. As for trying to get in contact, it was on meetup.com and she was either anonymous or not on the going to event as anyone could turn up. She was unfortuantely not hosting it and when I went to the next one she was not there for that. The way I put it sounds ridiculous but for me this felt like the only chance given my inability to replicate the best impression, maybe the ASD dating agency can help with this and I do try and forget about this but due to having ridiculous standards caused by previous experiences when it comes to dating, she surpassed those standards. My health is also declining despite exercising regularly and I may be running out of time but hopefully it can happen.

Regards

Simon

Hi Simon, 

First a little about me- my brother who is 42 has ASD and also my son who is 5. 

I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be trying to ‘fit in’ for so many years and crave some form of meaningful connection! 

In my opinion everyone deserves love and connection - however and whatever that means to you. I feel there will be someone out there who is feeling the same as you! 

I see that you mentioned the ‘undateables’ and how it is unsuitable for you -could you still join a dating agency for people with ASD? 

Also -you mentioned the lady on the train-who organised the meet up? Can you trace the lady? You could possibly reconnect? 

All the best to you! 

Jo 

Yeah, so sorry about that. I realised as I wrote it, other people face obstacles I don't. The good thing about Autism seems to be that we are persistent. I'm sure you'll get yourself a set of decent relationships with both humans and the pet of your choice, sooner or later. You come across as a pretty decent sort in what you write..   

my dad hates cats lol no convincing him, hard to talk to him anyway, hes not the type of person you can even talk to lol

I think I'd work on those parents, and see if you can't change their minds...

Work it all out first though, like whether you want a "house cat" or an "out doors type", Where you'll be fitting the catflap, where you'd put a litter tray if needed. How you will fund four or five pouches of sheba per day, etc. 

You'd be surprised how even an unpleasant set of parents like mine were can take to a cat...

And (the biggest lie I've ever told my girlfriend) "They are no trouble, they practically look after themselves".. As indeed they will, if they really can't get YOU to do every little thing for them... 

i love cats and would like to have one, but i dont get on in life and so i still live in my parents house with no hope of getting my own place or life, and my dad wont let us have any pet at all as hes grumpy and hates pets lol so never was allowed a cat or anything. have to get my own place which is seemingly impossible.

Hi MrMaxaman, thanks for your response and your suggestions. I think in regard to explaining myself it takes a bit of time but I’m actually a different person from what I am online vs offline. Offline it would be like someone is talking to a brick wall, pretty much. I agree I think with social situations I seem to be doing ok it’s when I get bored when I start to slip socially. However, when it comes to getting a girlfriend I overthink things too much to an extent where it makes me give up, hopefully I can get rid of this. Thanks for your suggestions i will try that out. 

Hi Desmond79 also just to add to what you said that is an alias of my name. Ganthet is one of the Guardians of Oa.

Hi I Sperg , That was a great response. At the moment, I do have a dog it is a family one as currently living with my parents. Hoping to move out soon at least. I was thinking of getting a cat when I do but  I think it is a lot of money as well and I want to make sure the cat has enough to go by. I need to focus and making sure my degree is all sorted as well. I’m more going for long term dating I think that for casual encounters it requires a bar setting and I don’t take noise very well. Hopefully I can get through this I will be more active on this forum as well and help others more importantly. 

Thanks Aidie, I’m actually in a job at the moment but not sure how long it’s going to last. As for a girlfriend I will at least have to put that on hold as I need to finish my assignments off. 

OMG, I so resonate with what you guys are saying. BUT, my Dr and Trick Cyclist both expressed surprise at my ability to build and maintain some crucial relationships, so maybe I can tell you what worked for me?..

For me when I hit puberty it was like everyone else became "psychic" suddenly and I didn't. A state that was to persist throughout my twenties until I took action.

The two things that helped me most of all was to

1. Get a cat. (I guess a dog would do, but I liked the self sufficiency of cats) Cats operate in two modes, they either look after themselves, or they look after YOU. That depends on the relationship you are able to build. They will also train your psychic talents if you like that sort of thing.

2. A book entitled "Games People Play". A mix of light and heavy reading that pretty much simplifies and explains how the neurotypical and to a decent extent our own minds work. 

In matters of love, unless you are VERY lucky, you are going to have to suck down a lot of disappointment, and be patient, whilst you learn how to make it work. Doesn't mean you should not try. For hetero-sexual men, after money, charisma, and physique, the real winning qualities are 1. having a good heart despite the crap  we all have to put up with. 2. having D.I.Y. skills & 3. Having spider handling skills.

I've been called "Selfish" on many occasions in my youth, but I'm reasonably convinced now that they were mislabelling my lack of ability to predict their needs as a lack of interest in fulfilling them.

Although N.T. "culture" is very dog eat dog, And if they percieve you as "weak" or "gullible" YOU are on the menu, so it isn't going to be easy. But everyone (mostly) likes a harmless non-angry person, and Autism as we all know is perhaps the most annoying condition known to man, so managing to have those meltdowns in private, is quite desirable if you can manage it.

Better still, I believe is the strategy I am now pursuing of "measuring my own mood". For example: If I wake up thinking about my "family" I know I've got my grumpy head on. It only seems fair to either warn my partner, or if she has her grumpy head on, stay out of each others way for a bit. We certainly are managing to communicate a bit better now.  

Sexual loneliness is hard enough to cope with, but emotional loneliness destroys you, and a decent quality pet like a cat (or a dog if you are happy with the increased care and excercise requirements) will certainly help with easing the emotional loneliness part of the equation and also give you experience of managing "someone" elses's needs both the "looking after" part and also emotional needs. My cat has enough personality to weight up which human is best to ask for which serbvice on a particular day. He visibly smiles when I make him happy, and can even tear up if I'm really on my game... He can hand out the withering looks when I get something wrong, so yeah, it sure looks like there is "someone" in there. "Someone" however who often has very different drives, needs, and expectations to my own, who views the world from an entirely different perspective (and with differently structured eyes too!) so there's quite a challenge to overcome for many poeple in getting a decent level of communication going. BUT the Asperger's/Autism, because it alienates us from N.T's actually forces us to try harder to communicate anyway. Since a cat has much simpler needs (seemingly) than a fellow human, it is easier to make them happy.

There seem to be at least seven basic desires for a neutered cat. Food, company, catnip, treats, play, Little routines like saying hello when entering a room, a bit of guidance (believe it or not, all the cats I've known will stay away from the road, if you take the time to explain how important it is. I don't fully understand how it works but it worked for my evil stepmother, and it;s worked for the three cats I have had in my life. And all the cats I have had have been perfectly capable of telling me what thy want when they want it, I've had huge difficulty in being able to recognise it however...

That difficulty in "recognising the signs" has cost me participation several times in either full relationships, or on occasion casual sexual encounters, I realised with the benefit of hindsight.

At this point the cat hears me making tea in the kitchen, and I hear him jump down off the spare bed. Now, whilst I really hate in principle having to interrupt my activities to serve his requirements, I have found I also derive a great deal of joy out of it sometimes. It turned out that he wanted a line of catnip, (there is a piece of A4 paper kept under the table as a serving area, he goes and pointedly looks at it then if I don't get the message he sits on it. He likes me close by, but not moving or interacting  whilst he gets his jollies from that, and then rather abruptly it wears off and he sits straight upright and looks at me all trim and innocent like. This is actually an invitation to violence, but I know the routine and go along with it. I pet the side of his face and he very deliberately (but gently) bites my hand. this goes on for a very short while while he carefully increases the strength of the bite until I respond with mock annoyance saying "pointy fingerr" and pointing at him with the one hand whilst reaching for a "cat beating tool". He in the meantime is now sitting bolt upright and giving me a pure look of "well, what are you going to do about it then?" Until I start weilding whichever of the feathery toys I have chosen to pester him with, it takes ten or twenty minutes before he has had enough of that, and I have to be creative with this stuff and think up new things to do or find new toys from time to time, but this seems to mean less dead small animals will arrive... I Like to finish a play session with a couple of treats so he gets the full "I chased it, killed it, ate it" experience. Then rather abruptly, and seemingly very rudely, he gets up and leaves for the outside world at 04:00 a.m. Leaving me to finish my post...   

All credit to you for making the effort to reach out, I know it's a hard thing to do. You are certainly better than I am at explaining yourself. You sound like an intelligent and caring person who struggles with 'fitting in' with other people. I'm just coming to terms with Autism, recently diagnosed at 50 . The best advice I can currently give is accept yourself for who you are, good and bad. Also, if you're struggling with social situations look for some help on the internet for learning people's body language and facial expressions, it might help. Good luck to you.

Hi Caelus, thanks for your reply. Yes unfortunately it seems inevitable. I get what you mean in terms of expectation. It does not seem to be much of away out. My new work plus my university workload will probably send me over the edge.

well i hope u get a job and start looking for a new partner soon ---- if u dont try you will regret it  

GuybrushThreepwood

Thanks for your response and input, it’s true i think when it comes down to it I think most of them are around my age but I don’t really follow the latest trends, songs or topics. I do try and play football with them but I do have coordination problems and usually end up getting hit in the face or performing poorly when it comes to scoring goals. Also the only way I am to concentrate is if people are not talking too much in the background. Like you said it’s the first month, I do fear that I will have an impulsive moment where things become too much and I make a rash decision.  However in a few months I will have to support a whole site of around 500 people, which is going to be a pain. I do take ADHD medication and it has helped control the things you have mentioned  but has also turned me into a zombie without it and also some other side effects. 

Hi Desmond thanks for your reply and welcome. Thaat’s true I do think that I was sheltered quite a lot when I was younger but I can’t put the whole  blame on my parents down to that it was myself who allowed that to happen. I struggle being independent but I am working on that hopefully. That’s great that things have  worked out for you, part of me wished I could be back to my former religion and have that discipline and socialisation. I respect religious beliefs in general but for my former religion it is difficult to reconcile the truth and also other aspects.. 

Hi Aidie, thanks for the welcome and for your reply. I would say that normally I wouldn’t share this or speak to anyone about this  but yesterday I had probably the worst breakdown I have had in years. I am alright now. I would say that my autism is pretty mild some  of the time and used to be less for some reason. I am applying for access to work but have not received much luck from the employer’s end. I’m currently living with my parents but want to move or rent outside of London soonish. Hope you are well yourself. 

your not alone. your experiences are always similar to everyone else. which you find you can relate to people here more.

i too never had relationship and no social life, i recently tried dating sites but as you mentioned no luck aside from bots. im 31 though, and yes i do very much believe theres no hope for us and we shall be alone and have to deal with that and the crushing depression that comes with it.

the part what varies is that you say you think you deserve to be happy, where as i found a way to cope with the depression and loneliness and worthless life is to think instead that you deserve to be punished, then it sorta makes you accept it more as a way to cope with it. after all if you cant fix it you have to cope with it and live with it. and thinking you deserve happiness and a life like everyone else will possibly make you feel worse when you cant exactly get it i figure.

Sorry I can’t give advice on everything you’ve written about but I just wanted to say one month is not a long time to get to know your new work colleagues. They’ve all known each other a longer time and parents in particular can find a common ground extremely easily when chatting about their kids. I “gel” a lot better with my work colleagues since I became a parent. But I know what you mean though it can be a bit baffling when you think you’re getting on well with colleagues but they’re all going on nights out and round each other’s houses like “proper” friends. Just don’t throw away your whole job so quickly, it might just take time for you to feel a bit more settled in. Do you take medication for your ADHD? It may help with some of the issues you mentioned towards the bottom of your second  paragraph (hygiene, impulsiveness etc)

also if that is your real name it might be a good idea to change your username to something less identifiable, I think it is actually against the forum rules for safety/privacy reasons to post your real name as it is public site

I can resonate with most of that.

Like yourself, I'm an impulsive spendsr and never had a proper girlfriend. It's a lifetime of fearing the world.

I feel that young men lack confidence because we were wrapped up in cotton wool as boys. Our society is too 'safety first'. We need to rediscover old skills.

I am a Catholic, but also attend a Christian Fellowship. Now I believe that I am saved.

I was going to be on TV, but gran freaked out due to family fears. But it worked in the end.

Welcome.