How to treat an autistic friend

On the other hand (sorry) it could be that she's not autistic – just the same scatty wonderful "eccentric" friend she's always been – she is unlikely to seek a diagnosis and, although I understand your thinking, in that sense it is her decision.

Oh gosh, no no – I know it's not a choice in that sense, and my friend would have been autistic from birth. I know a fair amount about autism because I have known her severely autistic son since he was born (and I also read a lot about it), and he's over 40 now!

How shall I put this… I've always thought of her as mildly eccentric, but when I said that to her once she didn't see it at all, she thought she was "normal". And of course back in the day the subtleties of degrees of autism simply weren't recognised. A couple of years ago something someone said to her made her wonder… and finally this year she has "decided" (her word) that she is autistic. "Discover" is certainly a better word! I think you're right, she must be exhausted, particularly having to run her son's care package and staff with meetings etc all these years.

Looking back over our friendship myself, it makes sense. But like many women with autism, she has learnt painfully to "fit in" as best she can. I think she's now letting that slip… it's like the beginning of a new journey!

Please feel free to ask again if I haven't made anything clear. It's not easy to explain!

I hate to ask, but I do want to help- What do you mean by “her decision”? 

I ask because autism isn’t something we choose. I can’t choose the colour of my hair or skin - I can try to alter it but it won’t last. 

I would use the word / term: Discover.

if I have a limp my whole life and no one notices and it’s not well recognised in society, I might face all kinds of frustration my whole life trying to walk. Once it’s identified, it becomes a relief. 

perhaps your friend decided to tell you about her discovery. And maybe that’s what you mean. Autism isn’t a choice. After 70 years she must have simply broke from absolute exhaustion. This isn’t an excuse for bad manners or bad ethics. But remember, with out help, she’ll have spent a lifetime misunderstanding social nuances, perhaps mimicking social graces poorly. If she is able to learn Why neurotypicals enjoy pretending or enjoy saying what they don’t mean and how that enables society to function then perhaps she’ll be able to learn to be a better friend to her NT friends. 

Autism in women does present differently, as a general rule, which is why so many females are diagnosed later in life, compared to males. That doesn't mean they experience it differently, just present differently. This is thought to be because females learn to mask earlier in order to 'fit in', and so don't outwardly exhibit the common 'male' traits. There is a lot of information available that explains it better than I can. 

Thank you so much, Juniper. You write so well and so helpfully. I have a lot more thinking to do. I especially like "autism vs. values" which is at the heart of my dilemma.

What I would like to do is include my friend in my deliberations, so I am thinking of kicking off with "what effect do you think your decision might have on our friendship?" in the most neutral voice I can muster, because she won't have thought of that, and we really need to explore that together.

I hope it helps! Everyone has their own weights, restrictions, burdens - yours shouldn't be of any less value than hers.

If I could add one last thing - if you're interested? It could be of use to find the differences between Autism Vs. Values. 

For instance, I have 2 male friends both with ADHD. As someone who needs things perfectly in order to function well, I find their ADHD sometimes a bit much to handle. But they're both worth-while as humans. However, One (We'll call him M.) I would trust with my finances. The other (we'll call him R.) I wouldn't trust to not ever so slightly gossip behind my back, let alone with my bank account. M is someone many humans love working with even though he's not as detailed as I might be (ADHD), he's trustworthy, dependable, fair, considerate and enjoyable to be around. He takes responsibility for his failures. Sometimes it seems like he's not listening and will change the subject too fast (ADHD), but we'll eventually (maybe weeks later) come back to the subject and he'll have heard every word I said. R, on the other hand can be fun to work with occasionally and he can also be efficient and good at what he does -though, all over the place and constantly changing the subject (ADHD), but he's always a victim! He's constantly finding ways to virtue signal his "Diet", he'll be deceptive and have no problem slighting others if he thinks it makes him look like he's 'in the know' or give him an upper hand. His lack of values and arrogance make him rather taxing to be around. 

Autism can make me a bit too focused - I might forget to acknowledge a server. But it doesn't stop me from realising this and apologising. It can keep me from identifying with you, and seem distant, but I can recall almost everything said. However - my values teach me that a friend is worth investing in, listening to, helping, I want to treat you with value and as a worth-while person, I want to be mindful and respectful. It shouldn't wear us down to have real friends regardless of their nature, if in alignment with each others values. And perhaps this is really the issue that needs exploring? 

Life is too short for too much nonsense at any age! I hope you can find peace with whatever you decide your friendship is or isn't and/or a breathe-able way to navigate forward. 

I promise I won't broach the subject with her until l have calmed down! In a couple of weeks, perhaps.

I have plenty of curiosity, and so has she – and I do agree, it's a life-saver.

I didn't mean my friend has "changed her mind", I meant that as far as I'm concerned, her mind has changed: she has gone from NT to ND, and I can't help but have a different attitude to her in future – when I look back over our misunderstandings I can already see better what went wrong. That doesn't, unfortunately, mean I will be able to handle them better in the future. I really hate dissent and don't deal well with it, and am worried about patronising her.

I agree about writing things down – this is part of that process!

I am, incidentally, 75 with my own physical and mental problems, and I more often feel drained rather than supported by my friend, which I accept is not her fault. But of course there have usually been plenty of positives to our friendship to cancel out the negatives – our 15 years estrangement was the result of the balance going the wrong way.

So… thank you, and I will carry on thinking and adjusting.

I'm sorry to hear you are stressed. 

Having a direct conversation about sensitive issues can be daunting. The anticipation that this needs to happen adds to the stress. 

I have learned to spend time writing everything down. Every thought, irritation, every detail, every expectation. I don't want to have a hidden unknown sub-conscious agenda I'm not aware of. I also don't want something said in haste and left in a mess - I literally cannot handle broken relationships, they're like little black clouds that don't dissipate.  And sometimes I learn things about myself I didn't know in the process of writing it all out. It's this "Processing" which I think it better suited for a pen and paper. I can't say I've ever had a successful conversation when I was also anxious or angry or emotionally charged. 

I'm trying to make sense of some of what you've said. It doesn't sound as though she's had a 'change of mind. But I could be misreading something. It sounds like a thing has continually been unfolding before her in her own journey and lead to this moment of enlightenment. This new 'twist in the plot' doesn't mean she gets to behave unethically or behave irresponsibly. Friendship is an investment. I can always ask how to be respectful of my closest few friends and write it down. I can also read up on how to express my self in a kind and charitable manner towards others I care about. Charity being identified how C.S. Lewis might use it. 

A relationship is a two way effort. Not speaking for 15 years is a long time! But perhaps a much needed rest. Or perhaps you grew apart during that time. No matter what age, we are creatures who can evolve and grow. Sometimes we need a hard wall to help us work out how to be a respectful and responsible human. Sometimes a kind and carefully thought out instruction is all we need. Only you know your friend. 

I would give yourself time to feel exactly how you do, and write it out. What do you want to expect from her vs what is she capable of? What are the terms of your friendship? What is friendship to you? Are you acting more like a mother or mentor or do you feel you're equal? If you were stuck at sea and she was in the boat with you, could you trust she'd own up to her part. 

Misunderstandings seem par for the course between NT and ND individuals. I now try to create a standard and a set of expectations with those I choose to invest a friendship with. And then spend what's appropriate on others by carefully evaluating where they're at. No judgement, but I'm human and also need to connect, not teach others how to behave or exist which only creates resentment and I don't want to feel that way either. Now knowing about Autism, I always have to be mindful that most enjoy the fantasy they've created for themselves, that I should mind the elephants in the room as they're not always mine to point out (in the past I didn't mean to, but I didn't realise I could "see" things others couldn't). Sometimes allowing others their own path and journey and putting up appropriate boundaries was kind to both of us - affording them dignity even if they didn't afford it to me, which just means we don't get to be close. It's not my job to control others. But for humans I care about, I try to ask questions to help them question. Curiosity, from my experience, is the best way through anything :) 

I'm really stressing about this today after a sleepless night – and hurt and angry and scared because she obviously hasn't considered how her "change of mind" (and it does feel like that to me) will affect us. Of course she hasn't! She's autistic! But that doesn't change how I feel unfortunately.

Thank you for your incredibly thoughtful and interesting reply, Juniper. I shall think about it a lot. You have answered one of my questions: should my attitude towards her change? and of course it will whether I like it or not. I will look for different reasons she says things, and I will try to make allowances for some of her less sensitive behaviours, although l am human too….

My other question is: should I be upfront and discuss how her self-diagnosis will affect me/us? I think I will have to, as we are equal adults and I don't want to patronise her. I am very nervous about this, however, so could do with advice. Our friendship, though very very long-lasting and valued by both of us, has often had major wobbles because of misunderstandings. Once we fell out for 15 years!

Finally, there is no worry about her being interested in me, quite the reverse. She questions me obsessively and intensely about what I am feeling to the extent that, although I am a very open person, sometimes I have to put up a barrier, but she understands that. We have very long detailed conversations about topics like "lying" and "embarrassment" and "acting" which are fascinating!

Any thoughts on how I broach the subject of my reaction to her autism would be so welcome.

Caelus  She could have ADHD and also or not be autistic. It doesn't 'manifest' different. I have male friends with ADHD and they speak non-stop. I know an engineer who makes Sound Boards for Surround Mixing and he can literally out-talk any one I know. My friends have always referred to me as a good listener but if you really want me to talk, make sure it's Red and French.

We can all use the same ethics for lines of communication. Seek to understand, be curious rather than offended, help rather than hurt or heal rather than hinder. 

Most likely when young, I had an autistic parent (or both to be fair). But no one really made the effort to teach me how to interact in social situations. They never inquired about me. So I wasn't aware this was an element of exchange for a friendship. 

As I grew older, I found mentors who taught me that in order to build relationships, it's good to actually ask about others. Inquire about their well-being, their lives, etc. This was new. Being Hyper-focused can also create a bit of a blinder to the needs of others, but I DO want my friends to feel in the way I feel toward them: kinship, respect, admiration.

If you want to stay friends, I would implant a sort of 'design' or structure to help her up out of whatever loop she's stuck in. When you chat on the phone always tell her a set period of time you have: create a limit. This should be helpful for both of you. "I'm so happy you've called. I do, however, only have about an hour, is that ok?" You can wish it were not so, but stick to your limit. Help her understand matters of respect and boundaries. This may not be something she was afforded in life. 

I've also had to learn to not be immediately irritated by a lack of others ethics, but say things like "when you say X, are you saying Y?" OR "HOW do you mean" OR "I really want to follow but I'm Lost". In my experience, the Motives of NT and ND individuals are quite different.

Lastly, if you'd really like to help extract her genuine inquisitions about you, Just gently say you feel a bit sad and wonder if she's interested in your sharing your life with her. This is the crux of relationships. Sharing with one another. Maybe she feels incredibly close to you or already picks up unspoken information about you in small nuances. Perhaps she's processing an incredible amount of information on her own and your the only person she feels safe disclosing it all to. You could also invite her to help you - "I'd love to speak but I have so much to get finished today, would you like to come and help?" Forms of invitation rather than rejection, even inviting her to Hear or Listen to you "share" your life with her are matters of friendship regardless of ones brain-type! :)

Ah well, everyone's different and that goes for every human, not just boring non-autistic people! I'm with you, I hate talking on the phone, but I'm definitely not autistic. My friend can talk for England but she probably has ASD. Her son can barely talk at all…

ah i dunno, i heard it manifests differently in women. but in men generally youd probably not get much conversation out of a dude with autism lol infact i dont like speaking over phones myself. better text based, verbally not very good. but my mum speaks and never stops speaking... i always suspected my dad perhaps had the autism and i got it from him, but then again if women none stop speak perhaps my mum could be autistic if thats how it is in women. she totally ends up going on about her whole life story with the way she speaks and links it to one thing and another, if im out walking with her and she sees someone and begins talking i know im gonna have to be standing around waiting for like 1 or 2 hours for her to stop talking or for the other person to take it in their own hands and leave,

That's really interesting, thank you – I was hoping for a perspective from the autistic point of view. I need to get my head around this. "Reframe" is good.

I'm actually wondering whether to be upfront and talk to her about it. I want her to know that her self-diagnosis has an effect on those around her – well, on me – not blithely assume nothing will change.

I do "fester". I am as human as she is; she just needs understanding in a different way. Lots of thought needed.

Well, you've been friends for 50 years so you must be important to eachother and have sorted out your past differences in the end.

Now that you both understand that ASD is in play this should only improve things. You shouldn't stop pointing out how you feel. I need my friends to do that, because I can't guess. But you can perhaps have some patience as to why she didn't automatically get that or struggles to see it. So yes, make allowances, but don't fester on what's upset you. Just gently reframe it to allow for her lag in understanding.

I suppose I'm worried that when she's difficult/hurtful and especially when she misreads something I've said, I will from now on have to let it go because she's autistic, or thinks she is. No she doesn't apologise! – because she doesn't understand the dynamics of our arguments.

For instance, when she talks about herself on the phone for 45 minutes and I finally have to say I must go, she gets really really hurt and doesn't understand that I'm not rejecting her, I've just got stuff to do! Is that autism and I should just carry on listening? Because that's what I do now, and I get really resentful.

Well, I meant that she hasn't been diagnosed.

I do find it difficult. I see her differently already, of course, and my attitude is bound to change because of that, even if subtly. 

i dunno, i feel perhaps its best to just be your regular self. otherwise if you become different perhaps she wouldnt like the new fake you? lol if she still likes you now then she likes you for who you are anyway. any fallouts she has with you she perhaps would kick herself for, i guess she apologizes to you alot for any arguments? that would be a sign any argument she regrets and blames herself for if so.

She decided! well she must have had it along but didn't know what it was. There are loads of adult in the same boat. 

As you have known your friend for such a long time, i don't see the point in changing or feeling any sort or funny around her. You may however consider cutting her some slack especially when you can see that a situation is getting tricky for her. Talk to her and try to divert/steer her attention away from the offending situation. 

I would however caution that you avoid gaslighting her, by blaming anything possible on her and her disability. She is still your friend and you don't get them any more loyal than that.