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How to treat an autistic friend

Volvox

My best friend who is 72 years old decided a couple of years ago that she is autistic. This is feasible as she certainly struggles with social situations and gets overloaded with external stimuli and emotions. She also has a severely non-verbal autistic son. I have known her for 50 years since we were at college together.

My problem is: how to change my attitude and behaviour towards her, if at all. She has always been quite a tricky person and we do fall out completely from time to time because of this – but now I wonder if I should be making allowances for what can seem like downright bad behaviour and thoughtlessness? In the past if I've called her out on hurtful behaviour she has flown into a rage and blamed me, or just not understood one jot of what I'm saying, and we can't resolve the situation.

Any thoughts, or experience of this sort of situation?

Parents

  • Well, you've been friends for 50 years so you must be important to eachother and have sorted out your past differences in the end.

    Now that you both understand that ASD is in play this should only improve things. You shouldn't stop pointing out how you feel. I need my friends to do that, because I can't guess. But you can perhaps have some patience as to why she didn't automatically get that or struggles to see it. So yes, make allowances, but don't fester on what's upset you. Just gently reframe it to allow for her lag in understanding.

Reply

  • Well, you've been friends for 50 years so you must be important to eachother and have sorted out your past differences in the end.

    Now that you both understand that ASD is in play this should only improve things. You shouldn't stop pointing out how you feel. I need my friends to do that, because I can't guess. But you can perhaps have some patience as to why she didn't automatically get that or struggles to see it. So yes, make allowances, but don't fester on what's upset you. Just gently reframe it to allow for her lag in understanding.

Children
  • in reply to Dawn

    That's really interesting, thank you – I was hoping for a perspective from the autistic point of view. I need to get my head around this. "Reframe" is good.

    I'm actually wondering whether to be upfront and talk to her about it. I want her to know that her self-diagnosis has an effect on those around her – well, on me – not blithely assume nothing will change.

    I do "fester". I am as human as she is; she just needs understanding in a different way. Lots of thought needed.