How to treat an autistic friend

Well, you've been friends for 50 years so you must be important to eachother and have sorted out your past differences in the end.

Now that you both understand that ASD is in play this should only improve things. You shouldn't stop pointing out how you feel. I need my friends to do that, because I can't guess. But you can perhaps have some patience as to why she didn't automatically get that or struggles to see it. So yes, make allowances, but don't fester on what's upset you. Just gently reframe it to allow for her lag in understanding.

That's really interesting, thank you – I was hoping for a perspective from the autistic point of view. I need to get my head around this. "Reframe" is good.

I'm actually wondering whether to be upfront and talk to her about it. I want her to know that her self-diagnosis has an effect on those around her – well, on me – not blithely assume nothing will change.

I do "fester". I am as human as she is; she just needs understanding in a different way. Lots of thought needed.

We can all use the same ethics for lines of communication. Seek to understand, be curious rather than offended, help rather than hurt or heal rather than hinder. 

Most likely when young, I had an autistic parent (or both to be fair). But no one really made the effort to teach me how to interact in social situations. They never inquired about me. So I wasn't aware this was an element of exchange for a friendship. 

As I grew older, I found mentors who taught me that in order to build relationships, it's good to actually ask about others. Inquire about their well-being, their lives, etc. This was new. Being Hyper-focused can also create a bit of a blinder to the needs of others, but I DO want my friends to feel in the way I feel toward them: kinship, respect, admiration.

If you want to stay friends, I would implant a sort of 'design' or structure to help her up out of whatever loop she's stuck in. When you chat on the phone always tell her a set period of time you have: create a limit. This should be helpful for both of you. "I'm so happy you've called. I do, however, only have about an hour, is that ok?" You can wish it were not so, but stick to your limit. Help her understand matters of respect and boundaries. This may not be something she was afforded in life. 

I've also had to learn to not be immediately irritated by a lack of others ethics, but say things like "when you say X, are you saying Y?" OR "HOW do you mean" OR "I really want to follow but I'm Lost". In my experience, the Motives of NT and ND individuals are quite different.

Lastly, if you'd really like to help extract her genuine inquisitions about you, Just gently say you feel a bit sad and wonder if she's interested in your sharing your life with her. This is the crux of relationships. Sharing with one another. Maybe she feels incredibly close to you or already picks up unspoken information about you in small nuances. Perhaps she's processing an incredible amount of information on her own and your the only person she feels safe disclosing it all to. You could also invite her to help you - "I'd love to speak but I have so much to get finished today, would you like to come and help?" Forms of invitation rather than rejection, even inviting her to Hear or Listen to you "share" your life with her are matters of friendship regardless of ones brain-type! :)

On the other hand (sorry) it could be that she's not autistic – just the same scatty wonderful "eccentric" friend she's always been – she is unlikely to seek a diagnosis and, although I understand your thinking, in that sense it is her decision.

Oh gosh, no no – I know it's not a choice in that sense, and my friend would have been autistic from birth. I know a fair amount about autism because I have known her severely autistic son since he was born (and I also read a lot about it), and he's over 40 now!

How shall I put this… I've always thought of her as mildly eccentric, but when I said that to her once she didn't see it at all, she thought she was "normal". And of course back in the day the subtleties of degrees of autism simply weren't recognised. A couple of years ago something someone said to her made her wonder… and finally this year she has "decided" (her word) that she is autistic. "Discover" is certainly a better word! I think you're right, she must be exhausted, particularly having to run her son's care package and staff with meetings etc all these years.

Looking back over our friendship myself, it makes sense. But like many women with autism, she has learnt painfully to "fit in" as best she can. I think she's now letting that slip… it's like the beginning of a new journey!

Please feel free to ask again if I haven't made anything clear. It's not easy to explain!

Oh gosh, no no – I know it's not a choice in that sense, and my friend would have been autistic from birth. I know a fair amount about autism because I have known her severely autistic son since he was born (and I also read a lot about it), and he's over 40 now!

How shall I put this… I've always thought of her as mildly eccentric, but when I said that to her once she didn't see it at all, she thought she was "normal". And of course back in the day the subtleties of degrees of autism simply weren't recognised. A couple of years ago something someone said to her made her wonder… and finally this year she has "decided" (her word) that she is autistic. "Discover" is certainly a better word! I think you're right, she must be exhausted, particularly having to run her son's care package and staff with meetings etc all these years.

Looking back over our friendship myself, it makes sense. But like many women with autism, she has learnt painfully to "fit in" as best she can. I think she's now letting that slip… it's like the beginning of a new journey!

Please feel free to ask again if I haven't made anything clear. It's not easy to explain!

On the other hand (sorry) it could be that she's not autistic – just the same scatty wonderful "eccentric" friend she's always been – she is unlikely to seek a diagnosis and, although I understand your thinking, in that sense it is her decision.