Help

Hi - sorry about that - how did you approach him?

Just give him some personal space without any social interaction from you or anyone else. I understand that you don't want to lose him, but if you keep interacting with him, you will only push him further into isolation. He needs a lot of personal space to himself, to recharge his drained batteries, and to do the interests that he likes doing, and it's what he needs that to be healthy and stable. 

If you try to distract him from his interest, it's like when someone tries to wake you up in the middle of the night, and you only had one hour of sleep, you had a very long stressful day at work and you're extremely tired and agitated, and you just really, really need some sleep. You won't want to socialize or talk to anyone, you just want some sleep. That's what you know that you need to be happy and healthy. But then someone keeps trying to distract you and keep bothering you to wake up, because they really want to talk to you, but the only thing you want to do is sleep, it'll drive you crazy. 

However, understandably for you, this social withdrawal phase  that your husband goes through creates a fear of abandonment, that he's "fading away" from you, so you in response to that you try to socialize with him more, engage with him more, "what can I say and do to get him back?" so that you don't lose him. But socialization is the very thing that drains him and that he's trying to get away from, which is why he's withdrawing in the first place. 

Typically you think there is something bad going on when someone doesn't want to talk to you or interact with you, but this is not the case. Everyone needs personal space from time to time, but your husband needs a lot more personal space than the typical person would, and by a lot I mean a lot. So even if it's counter-intuitive and against your nature, ignore him for a few days, do something else, go outside by yourself somewhere and enjoy the day.  

Thanks for your help and ideas, I tried something you said plastic and it backed fired, I'm.speaking at him again ..... 

What you call his 'research' sounds like what is sometimes called a 'special interest'. For autistics, such interests can become somewhat obsessive and anything tending to distract away from them can be resented. If you want more interaction, try talking to him about his interest. You then might not be able get a word in edgeways, but at least he will be talking to you. Social interactions tend to take a lot of energy from autistics, especially group interactions. He may be much better able to cope with one friend at a time, in low stress situations. A casual chat over a coffee would be much less stressful than say a dinner party.

We have difficulties with Neurotypicals (NTs) because their main conversation is based around status and consumerism - we tend to be more focussed on activities and experiences.

The covid thing has messed a lot of people up - I have a friend who spends all his time googling virus-related websites rather than living.

What are his concerns?

What did you used to do together?    The problem is you will have grown up and changed - matured - he won't have.    He'll still love all the silly things that you used to like together.      He may literally not know how to interface to you any more.    Something else is that NT expect us to pretend to be like NTs - what do you do to step into his world?

Yes he has friends, life has been stressful more so since covid, as he just researches it all the time

I don't tend to have friends around anymore and now doing more things on my own as he does not want to be with any of them as it takes his energy away

I don't know what to do anymore to be honest 

58 is retirement panic time - will finance be in place, health worries etc.(stress related?).

If he's on the diagnosis path, then he must be on-board with the concepts.

Our lives revolve around stress and not being able to cope with sudden change - a chaotic life burns us out.

What silly, childish hobbies does he have?    We often get forced to grow up against our wishes - it takes our safety net away.   (I'm mid 50s - still into Lego and models).

Does he have any friends?   

He is 58, has just asked the doctor to refer him to be diagnosed, he does not work retired through ill-health, he has a simple life but  covid has taken over, research etc... 

Hi

What age group is he?    Is he diagnosed as autistic or aspie or anything?

Does he work and is he under a lot of stress?

What does he do to wind down from life's stress?

If he's overloaded, any demands will just push him away.