Can sex be an obsession for autistic men?

On nights I was too wound up, I’d use real porn games in the browser without signing up to take the edge off. That kept loop from spiraling and we could talk after.

Autistic guy here. When my brain locks onto sex, talking feels impossible until I reset. What helped us was structure: we do talk first for 10 minutes with a timer, then decide, if I’m still buzzing, I handle it solo and come back. Scheduling sex days cut pressure. You don’t have to give in each time, the key is him respecting your no and using other outlets.

 fair enough 

I hate the word and implications of "hypersexuality" - it has no real basis and cannot be measured.     It seems to be a label to stigmatize people who want more from their sexuality.

It's basically the opposite of calling someone frigid.

Most people are pretty clueless about sex - just a quick bumping the uglies on a Saturday night and that it until they get bored - there's so much more available if you can get creative and know how to use the internet..    

Hi Seanado,

This is what I'm trying to figure out, whether it is autism related, whether it is stemming from other issues in his past or both. 

I have read that hypersexuality can be linked with autism and that it can involve specific paraphillic tenancies. I'm trying to work out if this is the case in my husband.

From the responses ive had so far, it doesn't sound like it's a common issue.

Generally, personally and from what I've read clinically, autistic men have a lower obsession for sex than neurotypicals.

It's not that we don't want or enjoy a full sex life...I guess it's that it is not as high up my cerebral or to-do list as it is for non autistic men. It's not an uncontrollable primal urge, it's a nice hobby, when I'm in the mood and I have time, but it competes with my desire to read, play chess, write or contemplate a problem.

If this does indeed hold generally true for autistic men, and I believe it does, then it sounds like your partner has other, non-autistic issues that need addressing.

Oh I didn't realise he'd left you. I hadn't seen any of your previous posts before responding to this one. I'm so sorry.

I wish you all the best and hope things can bve repaired x

Thanks adamski

It did become more of an issue when I became pregnant, it was nice that he still found me attractive, but obviously due to the type of sex he wants, I've had to set limits and boundaries. 

Since he left me is not an issue other than any conversation I manage to have written him about reconciliation soon turns to sex in his mind. If he ever returns I'll use your advice, thank you x

Same! 

Admittedly, I'm getting better but I really struggle also with being held and hugged. I mostly can't deal with it at all. I mean, I can hug and show affection outside of sex occasionally, and sometimes I'll even initiate it myself, but 85% of the time it makes me feel uncomfortable and I avoid it. I think it's often because my mind is in a state of stress and anxiety so anything else makes me irritable.

One thing that's positive is that if he wants to have sex with you, and lots of it by the sounds of things, then he is very attracted to you sexually. I think in a lot of marriages the sex dwindles with time, so if it's still very active that's a good sign.

Rough sex is a no for me. It's not something I'd do with a partner and I don't like it, so I can't draw comparison with him here. If it's starting to make you uncomfortable, I think you should say so now. Everytime you push the sexual boundaries with him further it'll be harder to draw him back from it. I also suspect he masterbates a lot and therefore now needs a lot of work to get him off. My suggestion is that if you're uncomfortable with it. Knock it on the head now! I would tell him it's too rough and then avoid sex with him for two weeks or maybe a bit more. This way you're providing him with a cooling off period were his sexual needs can rebuild and won't need so much to be satisfied. You're showing him that you're not happy with how things are proceeding in the bedroom and this period is showing him you're concerned that every time you have sex it'll be rough. After this start again and see if it's easier. Everytime he starts to get rough, do it again.

I also highly recommend that you talk to him about sexy stuff you can do together. Like mutual interest. 

Just ideas

I can't believe I'm giving you advice on psychology I could've used myself in my relationships ha 

Well, talking about emotions isn't really an autistic strength....

So he might want to demonstrate his love etc. in you through sex - so action not words? (I'm not saying you should agree to that - just trying to shine a light on his possible thought process)

Lulu said:

I don't know if the suffering in his mind is causing a disrespect for women to break through due to what happened in his past or what, but it's like the obsession takes over and be can't focus on anything else until he has performed this specific act.

Alternatively, get yourself a stout riding crop and train him.       Men are relatively simple devices - get inside his head and take control..

As I've noted before your husbands issues seem to revolve around a loss of control. When some one makes a false accusation the person they accuse can feel like their life has been hijacked. Their best friends may ghost them. They may get kicked out of places they used to be welcome. They start to wonder if the friend who accused them if their friendship was ever really real. They can become paranoid and see conspiracies everywhere and wonder if those closest to them are lying to them. In short they loose control.

It's an old cliché but they say men with a great deal of power and responsibility prefer to be sexualy submissive in the bedroom. That it gives them a release from always having to be in control. Maybe for your husband its the opposite way round. He's seeking escapism in the bedroom by incorporating exotic sex into your routine. Seeking a sense of control by taking a very dominant roll in the bedroom. It might be cathartic for him to indulge it ... if it isn't used as an excuse to avoid addressing the underlying issue. But it sounds like, for you, it might be the opposite of cathartic.

adamski

Hi adamski,

It's interesting that you say that as my husband says he can only handle being held or hugged during sex, any other time he says it feels as though someone is getting in his face. As far as I know he hasn't been a victim of sexual abuse but he has been through a traumatic time around a decade ago when a girl made false allegations against him, let it drag on for about a year before admitting she lied. 

My husband is naturally gentle and passionate when engaging in sex, but these urges are and are becoming more towards the darker side of sex the more his mental health has deteriorated throughout the lockdown. Nothing that would hurt anyone but wanting extreme control, being rough and doing things that aren't seen as the norm.

I don't know if the suffering in his mind is causing a disrespect for women to break through due to what happened in his past or what, but it's like the obsession takes over and be can't focus on anything else until he has performed this specific act.

I don't think you are reading too much into it, no. It sounds like you really trust him, so obviously he's doing something right because I think that's the number one emotional need that relationships often lack. So yay for him and you!

I'm not sure about him but I was from a broken home as a child. I was heavily neglected and suffered horrible sexual abuse. So I think my obsessive behaviours around sex stem from that. As a kid all I wanted was attention and didn't get any from my parents. Instead, I got copious amounts of it from someone who abused me and used my vulnerability to give me the wrong sort of attention. Obviously I didn't know it was wrong at the time.

My ex partner believed I act like this because it's hard coded into me that I have to be engaged in sexual acts to feel appreciated. Or rather, that's how affection was always displayed to me, so it's the only way I can feel those emotional attachments that you're trying to get from talking and bonding. 

It's completely gross and a horrible thought but as a victim of abuse I can't help it.

Maybe he has suffered some degree ed childhood trauma too.

Sex can be an obsession for any person ,but it is only part of a relationship there has to be give and take .

You both have to have positives from the relationship for it to work autism shouldn't change that.

I would say most human beings are probably obsessed with sex to some degree. Your description of getting a sexual thought stuck in your head and having to act on it will be familiar to many teenagers who find themselves masturbating frequently as puberty kicks in and they start to explore the new ‘sexual landscape’ that’s opened up in their imaginations. And of course your husband has the same options those teenagers have, masturbation and porn, so it’s not like he has no outlets. But it might be understandably frustrating to have strong sexual desires and then find your romantic and sexual partner doesn’t want to do sexual things.

Another thing to consider is that it’s been my observation that when relationships go bad the sex is often the first thing to go. That could be because it’s like a canary in the coal mine but it could also be because the sex acts like relationship glue. Your husband might be thinking ‘if only I could get our sex life back to where it was when the relationship started the relationship might improve.’

Also I think a lot of people use sex to self medicate their frustration, stress, or depression away. Autistic people can find life tough, the emotions can get bottled up till it all comes out at once. Maybe your husband has gotten into the habit of using sex with you as his primary emotional purge valve.

As for obsessive sexual behaviour I can only speak for my self. But as a teen especially it would not be enough to just do something sexual to relive the urge. You’d find your self thinking about it, deconstructing the fantasy, innovating, asking what if. Writing erotic fiction or creating erotic art to explore the ideas. I suppose this more analytical approach to sexual thoughts might be an ‘autistic thing.’

One thing I’m sure of. Allowing conversations about your marriage to be deflected by sex is a bad idea. But then talking about your sex lives as the first part of your marriage to work on might not be a bad idea. It’s what’s on his mind anyway. And after all your sex life has to work for both of you for a healthy marriage. It can’t just be all his ‘obsessions.’ You both need to find it stimulating.

adamski

Hi adamski,

Thank you for your insight and being open about this.

My hubby would never hurt anyone due to his need for sex nor would he ever go looking for it elsewhere, he is 100% loyal to the marriage. He does become silently distressed however and the repetitive thoughts do distract him from work and other parts of daily life. He does feel rejection when I say no but does not voice this, he just goes quiet and withdrawn. It's something I do want to help him with as obviously sex plays a huge part in a marriage, it's just difficult to convince myself he wants me for me at times and not just for sex because of the lack of emotional needs being met for me.

Am I reading too much in to this? 

Yes I feel this way too with sex. I get ultra distressed if I can't have sex when I need it and it becomes a repetitive thought process that eats at me. It's just the thought cycle. 

It's never so bad that I would be a deviant, do something illegal or cheat on someone but I do find some connection with this.

Does your husband suffer from repetitive thought cycles by any chance? My advice is to try and break that thought cycle by being direct. "No I don't want to right now" but then change the subject to something positive that involves you both. It's basically letting him know it's not a rejection as you're still thinking of him and you both in that moment. 

It worked on me. My partner did this a lot when we were together amen we had a very healthy relationship.

It sounds like he's had a really messed up childhood and has not been properly socialised and parented so he doesn't get that other people may not agree with his thoughts.

I'd be tempted to tell him to get stuffed until he understands he has to treat you as a human being and not an outlet for his impulses. 

If he's that 'motivated', then he'll be easy to train.  

Lulu said:

Like he really needs to carry out the sexual thoughts that pop in to his head, otherwise they drive him to distraction. Is this a common trait in autistic men?

no its not. But lets see what others say..