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Can sex be an obsession for autistic men?

Lulu

Hi all,

If you have seen any of my previous posts you will be aware I'm trying to make my marriage work. 

One thing that has come to light recently is the sexual urges my husband has. Like he really needs to carry out the sexual thoughts that pop in to his head, otherwise they drive him to distraction. Is this a common trait in autistic men? I'm currently trying to rebuild our marriage and have tried to spark conversation with him but he is already obsessing about sex, I've told him I would like to talk first, but he can't seem to focus on anything but sex. 

Any advice? Should I just give in and cater for his needs in hopes he will then be happy to talk/spend time with me? If I hold off is he likely to not be able to focus his mind to hold a conversation with me? 

Let me know your thoughts 

Parents

  • Hi adamski,

    Thank you for your insight and being open about this.

    My hubby would never hurt anyone due to his need for sex nor would he ever go looking for it elsewhere, he is 100% loyal to the marriage. He does become silently distressed however and the repetitive thoughts do distract him from work and other parts of daily life. He does feel rejection when I say no but does not voice this, he just goes quiet and withdrawn. It's something I do want to help him with as obviously sex plays a huge part in a marriage, it's just difficult to convince myself he wants me for me at times and not just for sex because of the lack of emotional needs being met for me.

    Am I reading too much in to this? 

  • in reply to Lulu

    Hi adamski,

    It's interesting that you say that as my husband says he can only handle being held or hugged during sex, any other time he says it feels as though someone is getting in his face. As far as I know he hasn't been a victim of sexual abuse but he has been through a traumatic time around a decade ago when a girl made false allegations against him, let it drag on for about a year before admitting she lied. 

    My husband is naturally gentle and passionate when engaging in sex, but these urges are and are becoming more towards the darker side of sex the more his mental health has deteriorated throughout the lockdown. Nothing that would hurt anyone but wanting extreme control, being rough and doing things that aren't seen as the norm.

    I don't know if the suffering in his mind is causing a disrespect for women to break through due to what happened in his past or what, but it's like the obsession takes over and be can't focus on anything else until he has performed this specific act.

  • in reply to Lulu

    Same! 

    Admittedly, I'm getting better but I really struggle also with being held and hugged. I mostly can't deal with it at all. I mean, I can hug and show affection outside of sex occasionally, and sometimes I'll even initiate it myself, but 85% of the time it makes me feel uncomfortable and I avoid it. I think it's often because my mind is in a state of stress and anxiety so anything else makes me irritable.

    One thing that's positive is that if he wants to have sex with you, and lots of it by the sounds of things, then he is very attracted to you sexually. I think in a lot of marriages the sex dwindles with time, so if it's still very active that's a good sign.

    Rough sex is a no for me. It's not something I'd do with a partner and I don't like it, so I can't draw comparison with him here. If it's starting to make you uncomfortable, I think you should say so now. Everytime you push the sexual boundaries with him further it'll be harder to draw him back from it. I also suspect he masterbates a lot and therefore now needs a lot of work to get him off. My suggestion is that if you're uncomfortable with it. Knock it on the head now! I would tell him it's too rough and then avoid sex with him for two weeks or maybe a bit more. This way you're providing him with a cooling off period were his sexual needs can rebuild and won't need so much to be satisfied. You're showing him that you're not happy with how things are proceeding in the bedroom and this period is showing him you're concerned that every time you have sex it'll be rough. After this start again and see if it's easier. Everytime he starts to get rough, do it again.

    I also highly recommend that you talk to him about sexy stuff you can do together. Like mutual interest. 

    Just ideas

    I can't believe I'm giving you advice on psychology I could've used myself in my relationships ha JoyJoy

  • in reply to Lulu

    Oh I didn't realise he'd left you. I hadn't seen any of your previous posts before responding to this one. I'm so sorry.

    I wish you all the best and hope things can bve repaired x

  • in reply to adamski

    Thanks 

    It did become more of an issue when I became pregnant, it was nice that he still found me attractive, but obviously due to the type of sex he wants, I've had to set limits and boundaries. 

    Since he left me is not an issue other than any conversation I manage to have written him about reconciliation soon turns to sex in his mind. If he ever returns I'll use your advice, thank you x

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  • in reply to adamski

    Thanks 

    It did become more of an issue when I became pregnant, it was nice that he still found me attractive, but obviously due to the type of sex he wants, I've had to set limits and boundaries. 

    Since he left me is not an issue other than any conversation I manage to have written him about reconciliation soon turns to sex in his mind. If he ever returns I'll use your advice, thank you x

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