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Can sex be an obsession for autistic men?

Lulu

Hi all,

If you have seen any of my previous posts you will be aware I'm trying to make my marriage work. 

One thing that has come to light recently is the sexual urges my husband has. Like he really needs to carry out the sexual thoughts that pop in to his head, otherwise they drive him to distraction. Is this a common trait in autistic men? I'm currently trying to rebuild our marriage and have tried to spark conversation with him but he is already obsessing about sex, I've told him I would like to talk first, but he can't seem to focus on anything but sex. 

Any advice? Should I just give in and cater for his needs in hopes he will then be happy to talk/spend time with me? If I hold off is he likely to not be able to focus his mind to hold a conversation with me? 

Let me know your thoughts 

Parents

  • Hi adamski,

    Thank you for your insight and being open about this.

    My hubby would never hurt anyone due to his need for sex nor would he ever go looking for it elsewhere, he is 100% loyal to the marriage. He does become silently distressed however and the repetitive thoughts do distract him from work and other parts of daily life. He does feel rejection when I say no but does not voice this, he just goes quiet and withdrawn. It's something I do want to help him with as obviously sex plays a huge part in a marriage, it's just difficult to convince myself he wants me for me at times and not just for sex because of the lack of emotional needs being met for me.

    Am I reading too much in to this? 

Reply

  • Hi adamski,

    Thank you for your insight and being open about this.

    My hubby would never hurt anyone due to his need for sex nor would he ever go looking for it elsewhere, he is 100% loyal to the marriage. He does become silently distressed however and the repetitive thoughts do distract him from work and other parts of daily life. He does feel rejection when I say no but does not voice this, he just goes quiet and withdrawn. It's something I do want to help him with as obviously sex plays a huge part in a marriage, it's just difficult to convince myself he wants me for me at times and not just for sex because of the lack of emotional needs being met for me.

    Am I reading too much in to this? 

Children
  • in reply to Lulu

    Hi adamski,

    It's interesting that you say that as my husband says he can only handle being held or hugged during sex, any other time he says it feels as though someone is getting in his face. As far as I know he hasn't been a victim of sexual abuse but he has been through a traumatic time around a decade ago when a girl made false allegations against him, let it drag on for about a year before admitting she lied. 

    My husband is naturally gentle and passionate when engaging in sex, but these urges are and are becoming more towards the darker side of sex the more his mental health has deteriorated throughout the lockdown. Nothing that would hurt anyone but wanting extreme control, being rough and doing things that aren't seen as the norm.

    I don't know if the suffering in his mind is causing a disrespect for women to break through due to what happened in his past or what, but it's like the obsession takes over and be can't focus on anything else until he has performed this specific act.

  • in reply to Lulu

    I don't think you are reading too much into it, no. It sounds like you really trust him, so obviously he's doing something right because I think that's the number one emotional need that relationships often lack. So yay for him and you!

    I'm not sure about him but I was from a broken home as a child. I was heavily neglected and suffered horrible sexual abuse. So I think my obsessive behaviours around sex stem from that. As a kid all I wanted was attention and didn't get any from my parents. Instead, I got copious amounts of it from someone who abused me and used my vulnerability to give me the wrong sort of attention. Obviously I didn't know it was wrong at the time.

    My ex partner believed I act like this because it's hard coded into me that I have to be engaged in sexual acts to feel appreciated. Or rather, that's how affection was always displayed to me, so it's the only way I can feel those emotional attachments that you're trying to get from talking and bonding. 

    It's completely gross and a horrible thought but as a victim of abuse I can't help it.

    Maybe he has suffered some degree ed childhood trauma too.