My husband is possibly autistic, I need HELP!

I would like to hear from you more about the cognitive processing problems, as I know nothing about that. Thanks... 

Hi again! Wow, amazing that you have similar skills to my husband. He is amazing building his whole studio from scratch, all very complex and things I know nothing about! Also very interesting how similar you are in character. I am a Southern European Leo, we are very good in stressful situations but that does not mean that there isn't a time when we crack. 

You have a great sense of humor... .and you know, we all have our strengths and our weaknesses! I am an empath, not one who feels everybody's feelings but I do with certain persons, such as the person I am in a relationship with. I always seem to know more about what I can't see than a lot of other people? I just feel it. He also struggles a lot remembering conversations but I think that this is because he disconnects without even noticing it, when things don't capture his attention and talking about feelings does not. As far as dealing with the complicated stuff I don't know how your wife feels.... but in my generation most women craved a man with broad shoulders to lean on, so it is difficult to kind of become the man in the relationship, which I have been in all relationships I have been in, which haven't been a lot. But I see on TV, in the reality shows that even very young women still want their knight to be there to protect them... 

No, I don't think that my husband is processing things very fast, on the contrary... I think that I have a much more agile mind, even if he is the highly educated one, something I am not but I do speak 7 languages, sing in 10. Even when I am watching TV my mind is processing a lot of "important" stuff.... I could save the world on my own.... hahaha....I am very vocal, maybe due my heritage. He is the type that prefers to process things on his own, in his own tempo. The tradiction mad scientist.... hahaha... I often process things by talking about them, my mind is in the background making sense of it all. Actually I am very much like you describe, during conversations my mind goes so fast that I can get a bit frustrated. And yes, we are very different people also due to our backgrounds but an artist and a logic based person should complement each other.. although they will often not understand one another. Yes, we are now talking again and I am more vocal as far as my needs go because I just presumed that although people are different there are patterns that are common, now I know that they are not. Like I would expect that I wouldn't have to tell someone of our age how to fulfill basic emotional needs, how to comfort the other.... We have a chat with someone from Mind to see what they can do but of course.... it takes 1 month.I feel that if we manage to make sense of this all and have some coping mechanisms we will be in a better place. At the end of the day society needs us all and autists are now getting amazing in huge companies like Microsoft! . One would think that in one's 60's one would know it all but hey ho, always stuff to learn! 

Sorry for the very long reply, Juniper, but you gave me a lot of food for thought, thanks! At the end of the day I think that mixed couples need a lot of help in order to build a better life but, that help is not out there if you don't have a lot of money and even if you do, which I had in my last marriage, it is still not easy to find a really good therapist who works with you so that you can build a better future. A lot of the suffering could be avoided.... Take care, my friend!!!! You are absolutely on the right path! 

Hi Ross, I wrote a reply to your e-mail but somehow it shows at the end of all other replies, Not sure you will get any notification. Take care, Francisca

It sounds like he has come cognitive processing problems - it might be something other than ASD.     It might be worth talking to your GP.

I'm similar to your husband - I'm a nuclear physicist/chartered engineer, I still build huge models and I have my own studio.      

I'm VERY bad in high stress situations so my wife does al the complicated stuff - I can't process the emotional information at the same time as working out how it might affect me.     I will not remember huge chunks of the conversation - things like hospital appointments. However, in a professional setting where I'm just dealing with raw data, I'm the best thing since sliced bread.  .

We tend to be parallel processing during conversations - working out many potential outcomes at the same time so his brain may be running faster than the conversation so he's getting frustrated and filling bits in.     If you're very arty and he's very logic-based, there may be a clash of interpretation of events.

Love is impossible to quantify - we tend to be thinking more along the lines of pair-bonding - like swans.  

If you have needs that are not being met, you need to tell him - so he has a palette of things to please you with.

Hi, thanks for getting in contact Juniper... I am a Southern European, 1/4 Brazilian so I am very outgoing and great in social settings. Yes, arriving in England from Wales a in the middle of March last year was very cruel, also because we were supposed to come here to work hard at our careers, I am a singer, we both did quite a bit on TV, films, etc... Much higher bills too and no right to any type of income for over 1 year. We have done a couple of interviews and therefore a small amount of money came in but nothing else. We moved because the owners of our rental property in Cardiff were moving back from the USA, which never happened due to Covid and the house has not been rented out to other people. All feels terrible but, we thought that a complete break would do us good and here we are closer to London for work opportunities and auditions and are also very close to the big Pinewood Studios, just there is nothing going on. The people in our street are nice and organized a few very socially distanced things in the street regularly, so that was nice but other than that we don't know anybody. 

What I love about these guys? I have been married 4 times (OK, don't gasp... I take relationships very seriously). I think that it is their vulnerability, maybe my need to give to them what I didn't have, warmth, affection, maybe the fact that they are not the biggest hunks and therefore maybe more prone to put effort in a relationship..I am not perfect, they don't have to be perfect either but although with some differences they all were somewhere in the autistic spectrum and with one of them, who was diagnosed with BPD after we separated, his mother one day told me that she thought that he was autistic from an early age. But at times of crisis he was great at baring his soul, which did me a lot of good, my current husband gets much more overwhelmed and can't stay talking about feelings and changes for too long. All highly educated guys, so in some ways they do function very well and I love that part in them. They all have characteristics of my own father, none of which I like! A highly educated archeologist and wine specialist, completely rubbish at relationships. Very nice guy for people in general and pleasant enough at home but can't forge any attachments. When my Mum passed he remarried someone we knew for a very long time and drove her into an early grave. But not because he is a mean person, or violent, far from it but his aloofness. He is almost 94 now, in an amazing care home in Portugal where we come from and funny enough created a bond with a lady whom, we later discovered, had worked with my mother. He is now a bit more able to show that he misses me, very happy when we can visit but we can't do that now, haven't seen him since September 2019. I feel almost like my life was always permeated with autism, my oldest brother is even more affected but then I believe that a lot of men have this problem, reinforced by the fact that society was never geared towards them being open, of understanding relationships, etc. They were the providers and that was enough but us women need much more than that. 

I also feel that in some areas of mental illness I have had to become an expert, which I never wanted to do, but I still need help in order to manage our daily life if we are to stay together. Yes, we humans need to be part of a community and me being a woman and a Southern European even more so. No, right now I don't really have anyone I can talk to. I have moved around a lot, lived in 6 countries and one thing is to connect cheerfully on social media, a different one is to talk in depth about one's problems. I could be wrong but I think that a relationship of a woman with an autist is much more difficult than the other way around as men seem to miss that connection we women crave less. He doesn't feel the need to do any research, he feels very happy the way he is, or so it seems. His ex-wife ended up having severe mental health problems in her young years and I wonder whether what I experience now wasn't too much for her? Sometimes I also think that my mind will flip and I will be then seen as being the one with the problems. He is also very accepting of everything so in him she wouldn't have had a partner who would fight to understand what had happened and to make sure she was able to come back to normal life. I don't know her but she is about to get married to a guy who at least on the photos seems to be a very spiritual person and maybe better suited to her needs, as I know she was always like that. 

Do you think that you are maybe an empath? I think so... He is not but he does get overwhelmed although he was never able to tell me about it, I just read it him him then withdraws, doing as if he is still present. He is also able to show affection but in learned ways. He is the perfect gentleman, loves to open the car door will never miss on doing that, very good with cards, flowers,occasional gifts, telling me morning and evening which day it is and that he loves me.... which feels sometimes a bit much after 5 years. But talking does not help! 

He is on a different scale than you are, I think.... Same goes for my father and one of my brothers,, they are very placid and quite content? My oldest brother and my ex husband are a lot more complex and suffer much more. I can't start to image how life is for you but, the way you have dealt with everything is remarkable and you should be very proud of yourself! We all have issues, some more than others, the important thing is to learn to deal with them, if necessary by doing a lot of research. On subjects like domestic abuse connected with BPD I am sure that I could teach the professionals a few things. Domestic abuse is very often not connected with mental issues unless they are very visible and if couples had more help there would be a lot less divorces! These men are not thugs... they are people who don't manage to deal with their own demons.

You are right, the modern world is a very difficult place to be at the best of times, let alone if you have issues.  On the surface there is a lot of help, people are becoming ever kinder, but that is not true! The help is not there, just thousands of phone number you can call, just façades with little content! A capitalist society was never meant to a kind, compassionate ones,where human beings are at the forefront of everything. Life is short and should be precious but I know so many people at a later age who are so fed up and so am I. You are so awfully right, we all need someone to hear us, but that is not part of the deal in this world anymore. To give you an example I am actually very ill right now, not because I have bad health but because of everything I have had to deal with. One day your body just starts to protest, even if you are a very strong person, like I am. And it shouldn't be anything to major but all this has created big digestive and gut problems, which should not be too difficult to deal with but the way the NHS is wired has made it all so worse that we have had to call the ambulance a couple of times lately. Their answer, go on taking a big cocktail of medication. The illness hasn't made me as unwell as the cure but turned me into a suffering invalide. If I was an animal I would be in the vets surgery, with loving people around me, but I am not and therefore there is no compassion! 

I decided to go for my singing big time, my husband seemed to want it very much and believed in me. What he didn't think about is how it would overwhelm him as I started to have more success. For me it is very cruel,he let me taste the limelight, for once I was not in the background supporting husbands, children, but I was a true human being showing what she is made of. But.... it has been a very difficult journey because of him. When I remind him that he said that this was my time to shine he does reconsider, and even does as if all the problems exist only in my mind but the next meltdown will eventually happen again and that is what we need to stop. Before Christmas I became so desperate because we also have other severe legal problems that I decided to end my life. 

I still believe that my husband can learn to transform the small gap that makes him different and my life more difficult but, I can tell you that many of the problems you face I face too, even if I am not autistic, like friendships nowadays being more of a façade, the need to feel those around me care for my well-being, affection... we are all human beings with needs! The feeling that no matter what you say they will always make something else out of it happens the other way around as well, between neurotypicals and autists. What we all need is bridges so that we can meet halfway. My husband was married for over 40 years, my father all his life until my mother passed but at what cost? I have come to the conclusion that the best years of my life where actually when I was on my own, lived life to the full and quite an incredible life too. I just wish one time I had fallen for someone who had a brain more like mine.... because I am tired of trying to understand (sorry if I sound unkind).

Many thanks Lulu and yes, it is a great help to be able to connect with people in the same situation and I am very sorry to hear that you are pregnant and your husband has left. We also almost broke up last year,also because are have been dealing with very complicated legal problems, as we are tenants, from the start of our relationship now almost 5 years ago. That has made everything worse as we never had the opportunity to lead a normal, fulfilling life and of course I am left to deal with everything. My husband was next to me as I read your letter and I read to him the bit about the meltdowns. We have had many, believe me... We made big progress a while ago and were in a much better place but without support we end up falling in the same traps. He doesn't resent me for raising the subject of autism although first I was afraid to do it. Because my ex-husband was diagnosed with BPD at the end of our marriage I now know a lot about such conditions but it is also difficult for me because I feel that I have fallen from one situation I felt difficult to deal with into another, as if life is trying to make me show that one day I will be able to deal with it. 

I am a singer who was an X Factor contestant and Holland's Got Talent semi-finalist, started to sing at the age of 58 but all the meltdowns and the fact that I depend on him for all my music videos and recordings have badly impaired my chances of advancing my career. Anyone who knows us from YouTube thinks that we are the golden couple of the century, but if you dig deeper we are not. People feel inspired by us and we are of course not lying in our videos but we are not going to show the meltdowns, difficulty in communicating, etc. All the stress has made me very ill, I now suffer from severe digestive problems, my body can't stand the medication anymore and it has been a true disaster, while I feel my last good years slipping away! 

Yes, Lockdown made everything worse, even though we live in a big house, so we are not on the top of one another. We moved from Wales to England to start a new life, full of hope, thought we had understood one another well and were going for it big time, just a few days before the 1st Lockdown started. I kept a diary of the sheer misery of the past few months and a couple of publishers showed an interest in it but I am so tired right now that I seek distraction rather than spending my time writing about life's difficulties. 

Something that alerted me early on was his stories about obsessions in his youth, which he doesn't have anymore but I used to think that those stories were a bit strange while he seemed to think that it was quite normal. It would be too long to go into detail but he always seemed to go to far greater lengths to achieve his goals than someone would, Like cycling up huge mountains in France, leaving him almost for dead, walking huge distances because he had fallen in love with a girl during the holidays and more. 

Yes,I just want someone to really care about me... all my life I was there for others, with love but now it was my time to shine and my music means a lot to me, but due to our lack of communication I have given up on it more often than I care to remember. I have never heard of the Cassandra syndrome but will research it. My ex-husband having BPD has already traumatized me big time and when I thought that I was finally going to start to enjoy life I started a similar journey again. I was not even looking for anyone, but fate and music brought us together and I am an optimist, so I embarked on it. Yes, we are still together. Finding support has been hell. Despite what they make us believe in the media the support probably for all mental health issues is dire. Thanks for reading and the best of luck with your baby and your future life! 

Hi, the communication problems we have is me explaining things and him not understanding them, even if I believe that I was very clear. In some cases I have started to even create diagrams to make it easier to understand, still, he trained as a nuclear scientist. He also has difficulty sticking to the facts. His head seems to fill gaps with information he adds up which sometimes doesn't make much sense, which leaves me to deal with important stuff where you can't afford to be seen as unreliable. He also says things in an important conversation, even things that could be life changing for us but later does not remember that he said that. These are just some examples. Although we are indeed pensioners, 63 and 69, no one would classify us as elderly, I think....although I know that he loves me there is often a lack of compassion, even if inside of him he thinks that he conveys it? That leaves me feeling awfully lonely. 

The help I am looking for is to try to understand what is going on here, how to understand why he is the way he is and for him to do the same. He is open to it. . I think that if we can get to that stage he wouldn't need the anti-depressants anymore either. 

Thanks for telling me how things are with you and I think that if my husband could get to that stage of understanding and learning how to deal with it we would be in a very different place. The things you talk about is exactly what I see in him and the reason why I maybe do not act in the best way.

We have been together for 5 years, so we didn't know one another. Yes, he has hobbies, which he loves, like building model planes (he was in the British team of model flying), he is a drummer, a videographer and has a recording studio at home, so plenty of things to do. He does know that I am worth being with but sometimes he doesn't know how to convey that. 

Hello Ross,

May thanks for writing to me. I am surely going to contact the autism helpline, as we are at breaking point. All the problems we have had in the 5 years that we have been together have had a huge impact on me, to the point that right now I am very ill. Living in the modern world means that partners of people with mental problems have a lot of other problems they have to cope with on their own. I suppose that like me they feel abandoned by the very same person who should be supporting them, and in case of an autistic man I feel that the situation is even worse because many of us women need that support from them. What happens is that we become the man in the relationship and this creates huge frustrations, resentments on both parts, emotional deprivation. In my case I am alone in the UK, even more alone now that one year ago we moved from Wales to England and I don’t have people I can talk to either because after all he is such a nice guy…. Which he is, but does not function well in a relationship. 

My husband is a high functioning autist. He was a nuclear scientist and professional drummer. We have now talked and he is able to accept that this diagnostic might apply to him. The lack of help out there is appalling, leaving people like me, who are already exhausted, to find help by themselves. I am sure that he would be open to a diagnose but then again, I have read stories of women left desperate because despite all the signs the partner was not diagnosed. That fills me with fear because then there would be no way out of this. I suffer from PTSD, due to trauma, but I have never been able to get a diagnostic, even though my GP here in England, who got to know me quite well through a dreadful time last year, was sure that I do. Unfortunately, to make everything worse she has now moved on and I mostly get a different doctor every time I call the surgery, so no one knows me or my situation. Very often they are locums. 

As far as diagnose goes I also think that my husband wouldn’t lie but he is a man who doesn’t seem to know himself. He doesn’t understand that what goes on inside him is one thing, what he projects to the outside world is a very different one. His first wife suffered from severe mental illness for most of their long marriage and I now wonder whether she also struggled with some of the issues I struggle with. Deprivation can have an everlasting effect on someone. He was seen as the attentive, well-balanced, highly educated, loving husband, which I am sure he was, but equally I can’t believe he was providing what she needed. I experienced that myself when in December. I gave up on life and after a short conversation the psychiatrist announced that he was a very balanced person. So in the end it is those women who become desperate who are seen as having a mental problem. In better times I have always been a strong, driven, wise individual, even during dreadful times…. But I know that I am now doing very badly. 

I will phone the helpline tomorrow. Most of all what I need right now is to understand how I found myself in such a relationship again, how to protect myself from this feeling of helplessness, and maybe finding someone who could listen to the both of us and give us some support. Also someone who can explain to him how these 5 years have made me feel and why having all my emotional needs negated has had such a huge impact on me. The fact that we don’t have the money to pay for therapy is an added frustration but we barely have what will maybe enable us to live into old age and when that is gone there will be nothing left over (I am 63, he is 69). One year with no income at all hasn’t helped and we don’t qualify for any help. Having seen our rent go up big time is another huge problem, together with huge tenancy problems which we already had in Wales due to the little or no protection tenants get in the UK, reason why we hoped to start a new life in England, which completely backfired. 

Thanks for reading all this, 

Francisca

Did you move close to anyone you know? Lockdown is really difficult for anyone who isn't an introvert, but it becoming unbearable for even introverts at this point so I can't imagine individuals who are used to having friends and family around often.

What is it about autistic men you love? Do they appear more reliable? More grounded? 

Men have always seemed attracted to me for particular qualities that I would identify now as autistic. I've had one longer relationship (10 years) but for the most, they fall apart within a few months or years. Now I'm older and have spent quality time alone exploring all of this (doing the type of research which should give me a few PhDs, but it's really just to work out the world around me), I'm enjoying my time alone, but I also have a son and a few close friends I talk to a few times a week. I joined a philosophy group once a week because humans need community and so I make the effort.

But I'm sorry to hear your life has been difficult, too. 

I can tell you that 100% of the autistic individuals I have spoken with all say that emotions are so overwhelming they freeze or it just turns into soup in one's head. Until I was about 25 I was incredibly withdrawn. My mother called me apathetic (but she was also verbally abusive). I had undiagnosed health issues as a child (still have them but learned to manage everything). But also stress... I collect everyones emotions and I hear literally everything - the phone network, appliances downstairs, lights buzzing, noise everywhere... I used to describe life as feeling continually waterboarded - a prisoner being tortured. I couldn't focus, I started having stress head aches daily for 2 years, And then 20 years ago I literally had to restart my life. 

I can imagine that someone like me, if they haven't put a halt on life and started a completely new path toward self-care, I cannot imagine what life would be like to be honest. Overwhelming emotions are so dangerous for me, when I'm going through something heartbreaking, I don't even trust myself to walk downstairs without talking myself through it out loud. Or making tea with boiling water with out talking through it - out loud. The research and work I've done to even sift apart what my core self values and align my words and actions with what I truly believe is quite daunting but worth the undertaking. Identifying my limits and failures, in a world that plays power games - with humans they say they love! Identifying boundaries and how to be kind with out allowing myself to be abused. Or how to properly invest in a friendship and consider the other. These are not small tasks. Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving is a good one. I've consulted Rabbis and hunted down mentors and allowed my heart to break and re-mend for the better many times over. 

What I'm trying to express is that autistic or not, we all need to feel someone can hear us, someone appreciates us, that we have purpose. We all need community because my best friend won't always be able to pick up the phone or your husband will fail himself and others around. We all need strict disciplines to stay healthy. And we have to have something to fight for. I've felt alone most of my life - frustrated, overwhelmed, unheard due to language problems and communication barriers. Realising the connexion I thought I had with someone was a facade. But in dark times, have learned to take advantage of the space and learn to be a better version of me. 

I've not been able to maintain a partner. For all the work, there's so much miscommunication and I've always been left feeling like no matter what I say, they'll hear what they want to. A few were simply not safe humans. I'm always the one saying I don't understand (even this is apparently offensive), or asking what they mean. And sometimes I need a few weeks to try and cope with attempting to work a misunderstanding out. Sometimes an argument hits me a year later. But had I not gone through years of work to over-articulate, over-communicate, over-reason through, I'd be left with little ability to relay to the other the words and internal heart of what I wanted to convey. 

Hi NAS72203,

I'm not sure if I can be any help as i'm in a similar position to you. My husband does now believe he is autistic but he also seems to resent me for asking him if he could relate to the traits linked to autism. 

This came about after many a meltdown and his obsession with gaming completely distroying any hope of communicating and in turn distroyed our marriage. He had now walked out and left me at 22 weeks pregnant.

I completely understand how you must be feeling and I bet the lockdown hasn't helped matters. I feel your frustration and hopelessness, it is a horrific thing to go through. I would feel at times that I was just pleading with my husband to show he cared, and it always resulted in a stone cold reaction that made me feel worse. I was reading about Cassandra Syndrome and thought to myself "oh my god this is me!" 

If you and your hubby are still together, hopefully it's not too late. The people on this forum have been so supportive and taken the time to help me with advice, listen to what they have to say as they have a great insight. Hope it all works out for you  x

Hi

Can you explain the communication problems?    What does he like to talk about?    If you're in the elderly bracket, what sort of help are you looking for?    

It's not normally a problem of us lacking empathy, it;s more of confusion about what is appropriate in the situation - we're bad at guessing what's needed - 'normal' people are complex and throw emotions at us too quickly - often with conflicting language - things like sarcasm - so we need more time to process - it makes us seem cold and lacking in spontaneity. 

If you've been together for a long time, you may have changed a lot from when you were younger - he probably won't have changed inside - you may have become a complex enigma that he just doesn't understand any more - and if you get upset and throw emotions at him, he'll probably just shut down.

I would suggest looking back and finding things to do together that you used to enjoy.     Does he have any hobbies?    Spending time indulging him in those hobbies will make him remember you're worth being with.

What do you do for fun?

Hi NAS72203,

I'm sorry to hear you're having difficulty communicating with your husband about your belief he might be autistic. We do have an advice page here on the site, with tips for neurotypical (non-autistic) people on communicating with people with autism that you might find helpful -  https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/communication/tips

If your husband did become open to the possibility of getting a diagnosis, you can learn about the process for being diagnosed with autism here - https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis

And if you would like to speak to someone directly for any advice or support you might need, you can try our autism helpline, the details for which are here: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/helpline

Hope this is of some help,
Ross - mod