My husband is possibly autistic, I need HELP!

Did you move close to anyone you know? Lockdown is really difficult for anyone who isn't an introvert, but it becoming unbearable for even introverts at this point so I can't imagine individuals who are used to having friends and family around often.

What is it about autistic men you love? Do they appear more reliable? More grounded? 

Men have always seemed attracted to me for particular qualities that I would identify now as autistic. I've had one longer relationship (10 years) but for the most, they fall apart within a few months or years. Now I'm older and have spent quality time alone exploring all of this (doing the type of research which should give me a few PhDs, but it's really just to work out the world around me), I'm enjoying my time alone, but I also have a son and a few close friends I talk to a few times a week. I joined a philosophy group once a week because humans need community and so I make the effort.

But I'm sorry to hear your life has been difficult, too. 

I can tell you that 100% of the autistic individuals I have spoken with all say that emotions are so overwhelming they freeze or it just turns into soup in one's head. Until I was about 25 I was incredibly withdrawn. My mother called me apathetic (but she was also verbally abusive). I had undiagnosed health issues as a child (still have them but learned to manage everything). But also stress... I collect everyones emotions and I hear literally everything - the phone network, appliances downstairs, lights buzzing, noise everywhere... I used to describe life as feeling continually waterboarded - a prisoner being tortured. I couldn't focus, I started having stress head aches daily for 2 years, And then 20 years ago I literally had to restart my life. 

I can imagine that someone like me, if they haven't put a halt on life and started a completely new path toward self-care, I cannot imagine what life would be like to be honest. Overwhelming emotions are so dangerous for me, when I'm going through something heartbreaking, I don't even trust myself to walk downstairs without talking myself through it out loud. Or making tea with boiling water with out talking through it - out loud. The research and work I've done to even sift apart what my core self values and align my words and actions with what I truly believe is quite daunting but worth the undertaking. Identifying my limits and failures, in a world that plays power games - with humans they say they love! Identifying boundaries and how to be kind with out allowing myself to be abused. Or how to properly invest in a friendship and consider the other. These are not small tasks. Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving is a good one. I've consulted Rabbis and hunted down mentors and allowed my heart to break and re-mend for the better many times over. 

What I'm trying to express is that autistic or not, we all need to feel someone can hear us, someone appreciates us, that we have purpose. We all need community because my best friend won't always be able to pick up the phone or your husband will fail himself and others around. We all need strict disciplines to stay healthy. And we have to have something to fight for. I've felt alone most of my life - frustrated, overwhelmed, unheard due to language problems and communication barriers. Realising the connexion I thought I had with someone was a facade. But in dark times, have learned to take advantage of the space and learn to be a better version of me. 

I've not been able to maintain a partner. For all the work, there's so much miscommunication and I've always been left feeling like no matter what I say, they'll hear what they want to. A few were simply not safe humans. I'm always the one saying I don't understand (even this is apparently offensive), or asking what they mean. And sometimes I need a few weeks to try and cope with attempting to work a misunderstanding out. Sometimes an argument hits me a year later. But had I not gone through years of work to over-articulate, over-communicate, over-reason through, I'd be left with little ability to relay to the other the words and internal heart of what I wanted to convey. 

Sorry for the very long reply, Juniper, but you gave me a lot of food for thought, thanks! At the end of the day I think that mixed couples need a lot of help in order to build a better life but, that help is not out there if you don't have a lot of money and even if you do, which I had in my last marriage, it is still not easy to find a really good therapist who works with you so that you can build a better future. A lot of the suffering could be avoided.... Take care, my friend!!!! You are absolutely on the right path! 

Sorry for the very long reply, Juniper, but you gave me a lot of food for thought, thanks! At the end of the day I think that mixed couples need a lot of help in order to build a better life but, that help is not out there if you don't have a lot of money and even if you do, which I had in my last marriage, it is still not easy to find a really good therapist who works with you so that you can build a better future. A lot of the suffering could be avoided.... Take care, my friend!!!! You are absolutely on the right path!