My husband is possibly autistic, I need HELP!

Hi

Can you explain the communication problems?    What does he like to talk about?    If you're in the elderly bracket, what sort of help are you looking for?    

It's not normally a problem of us lacking empathy, it;s more of confusion about what is appropriate in the situation - we're bad at guessing what's needed - 'normal' people are complex and throw emotions at us too quickly - often with conflicting language - things like sarcasm - so we need more time to process - it makes us seem cold and lacking in spontaneity. 

If you've been together for a long time, you may have changed a lot from when you were younger - he probably won't have changed inside - you may have become a complex enigma that he just doesn't understand any more - and if you get upset and throw emotions at him, he'll probably just shut down.

I would suggest looking back and finding things to do together that you used to enjoy.     Does he have any hobbies?    Spending time indulging him in those hobbies will make him remember you're worth being with.

What do you do for fun?

Hi, the communication problems we have is me explaining things and him not understanding them, even if I believe that I was very clear. In some cases I have started to even create diagrams to make it easier to understand, still, he trained as a nuclear scientist. He also has difficulty sticking to the facts. His head seems to fill gaps with information he adds up which sometimes doesn't make much sense, which leaves me to deal with important stuff where you can't afford to be seen as unreliable. He also says things in an important conversation, even things that could be life changing for us but later does not remember that he said that. These are just some examples. Although we are indeed pensioners, 63 and 69, no one would classify us as elderly, I think....although I know that he loves me there is often a lack of compassion, even if inside of him he thinks that he conveys it? That leaves me feeling awfully lonely. 

The help I am looking for is to try to understand what is going on here, how to understand why he is the way he is and for him to do the same. He is open to it. . I think that if we can get to that stage he wouldn't need the anti-depressants anymore either. 

Thanks for telling me how things are with you and I think that if my husband could get to that stage of understanding and learning how to deal with it we would be in a very different place. The things you talk about is exactly what I see in him and the reason why I maybe do not act in the best way.

We have been together for 5 years, so we didn't know one another. Yes, he has hobbies, which he loves, like building model planes (he was in the British team of model flying), he is a drummer, a videographer and has a recording studio at home, so plenty of things to do. He does know that I am worth being with but sometimes he doesn't know how to convey that. 

Hi, the communication problems we have is me explaining things and him not understanding them, even if I believe that I was very clear. In some cases I have started to even create diagrams to make it easier to understand, still, he trained as a nuclear scientist. He also has difficulty sticking to the facts. His head seems to fill gaps with information he adds up which sometimes doesn't make much sense, which leaves me to deal with important stuff where you can't afford to be seen as unreliable. He also says things in an important conversation, even things that could be life changing for us but later does not remember that he said that. These are just some examples. Although we are indeed pensioners, 63 and 69, no one would classify us as elderly, I think....although I know that he loves me there is often a lack of compassion, even if inside of him he thinks that he conveys it? That leaves me feeling awfully lonely. 

The help I am looking for is to try to understand what is going on here, how to understand why he is the way he is and for him to do the same. He is open to it. . I think that if we can get to that stage he wouldn't need the anti-depressants anymore either. 

Thanks for telling me how things are with you and I think that if my husband could get to that stage of understanding and learning how to deal with it we would be in a very different place. The things you talk about is exactly what I see in him and the reason why I maybe do not act in the best way.

We have been together for 5 years, so we didn't know one another. Yes, he has hobbies, which he loves, like building model planes (he was in the British team of model flying), he is a drummer, a videographer and has a recording studio at home, so plenty of things to do. He does know that I am worth being with but sometimes he doesn't know how to convey that. 

I would like to hear from you more about the cognitive processing problems, as I know nothing about that. Thanks... 

Hi again! Wow, amazing that you have similar skills to my husband. He is amazing building his whole studio from scratch, all very complex and things I know nothing about! Also very interesting how similar you are in character. I am a Southern European Leo, we are very good in stressful situations but that does not mean that there isn't a time when we crack. 

You have a great sense of humor... .and you know, we all have our strengths and our weaknesses! I am an empath, not one who feels everybody's feelings but I do with certain persons, such as the person I am in a relationship with. I always seem to know more about what I can't see than a lot of other people? I just feel it. He also struggles a lot remembering conversations but I think that this is because he disconnects without even noticing it, when things don't capture his attention and talking about feelings does not. As far as dealing with the complicated stuff I don't know how your wife feels.... but in my generation most women craved a man with broad shoulders to lean on, so it is difficult to kind of become the man in the relationship, which I have been in all relationships I have been in, which haven't been a lot. But I see on TV, in the reality shows that even very young women still want their knight to be there to protect them... 

No, I don't think that my husband is processing things very fast, on the contrary... I think that I have a much more agile mind, even if he is the highly educated one, something I am not but I do speak 7 languages, sing in 10. Even when I am watching TV my mind is processing a lot of "important" stuff.... I could save the world on my own.... hahaha....I am very vocal, maybe due my heritage. He is the type that prefers to process things on his own, in his own tempo. The tradiction mad scientist.... hahaha... I often process things by talking about them, my mind is in the background making sense of it all. Actually I am very much like you describe, during conversations my mind goes so fast that I can get a bit frustrated. And yes, we are very different people also due to our backgrounds but an artist and a logic based person should complement each other.. although they will often not understand one another. Yes, we are now talking again and I am more vocal as far as my needs go because I just presumed that although people are different there are patterns that are common, now I know that they are not. Like I would expect that I wouldn't have to tell someone of our age how to fulfill basic emotional needs, how to comfort the other.... We have a chat with someone from Mind to see what they can do but of course.... it takes 1 month.I feel that if we manage to make sense of this all and have some coping mechanisms we will be in a better place. At the end of the day society needs us all and autists are now getting amazing in huge companies like Microsoft! . One would think that in one's 60's one would know it all but hey ho, always stuff to learn! 

It sounds like he has come cognitive processing problems - it might be something other than ASD.     It might be worth talking to your GP.

I'm similar to your husband - I'm a nuclear physicist/chartered engineer, I still build huge models and I have my own studio.      

I'm VERY bad in high stress situations so my wife does al the complicated stuff - I can't process the emotional information at the same time as working out how it might affect me.     I will not remember huge chunks of the conversation - things like hospital appointments. However, in a professional setting where I'm just dealing with raw data, I'm the best thing since sliced bread.  .

We tend to be parallel processing during conversations - working out many potential outcomes at the same time so his brain may be running faster than the conversation so he's getting frustrated and filling bits in.     If you're very arty and he's very logic-based, there may be a clash of interpretation of events.

Love is impossible to quantify - we tend to be thinking more along the lines of pair-bonding - like swans.  

If you have needs that are not being met, you need to tell him - so he has a palette of things to please you with.