My husband is possibly autistic, I need HELP!

Hello Ross,

May thanks for writing to me. I am surely going to contact the autism helpline, as we are at breaking point. All the problems we have had in the 5 years that we have been together have had a huge impact on me, to the point that right now I am very ill. Living in the modern world means that partners of people with mental problems have a lot of other problems they have to cope with on their own. I suppose that like me they feel abandoned by the very same person who should be supporting them, and in case of an autistic man I feel that the situation is even worse because many of us women need that support from them. What happens is that we become the man in the relationship and this creates huge frustrations, resentments on both parts, emotional deprivation. In my case I am alone in the UK, even more alone now that one year ago we moved from Wales to England and I don’t have people I can talk to either because after all he is such a nice guy…. Which he is, but does not function well in a relationship. 

My husband is a high functioning autist. He was a nuclear scientist and professional drummer. We have now talked and he is able to accept that this diagnostic might apply to him. The lack of help out there is appalling, leaving people like me, who are already exhausted, to find help by themselves. I am sure that he would be open to a diagnose but then again, I have read stories of women left desperate because despite all the signs the partner was not diagnosed. That fills me with fear because then there would be no way out of this. I suffer from PTSD, due to trauma, but I have never been able to get a diagnostic, even though my GP here in England, who got to know me quite well through a dreadful time last year, was sure that I do. Unfortunately, to make everything worse she has now moved on and I mostly get a different doctor every time I call the surgery, so no one knows me or my situation. Very often they are locums. 

As far as diagnose goes I also think that my husband wouldn’t lie but he is a man who doesn’t seem to know himself. He doesn’t understand that what goes on inside him is one thing, what he projects to the outside world is a very different one. His first wife suffered from severe mental illness for most of their long marriage and I now wonder whether she also struggled with some of the issues I struggle with. Deprivation can have an everlasting effect on someone. He was seen as the attentive, well-balanced, highly educated, loving husband, which I am sure he was, but equally I can’t believe he was providing what she needed. I experienced that myself when in December. I gave up on life and after a short conversation the psychiatrist announced that he was a very balanced person. So in the end it is those women who become desperate who are seen as having a mental problem. In better times I have always been a strong, driven, wise individual, even during dreadful times…. But I know that I am now doing very badly. 

I will phone the helpline tomorrow. Most of all what I need right now is to understand how I found myself in such a relationship again, how to protect myself from this feeling of helplessness, and maybe finding someone who could listen to the both of us and give us some support. Also someone who can explain to him how these 5 years have made me feel and why having all my emotional needs negated has had such a huge impact on me. The fact that we don’t have the money to pay for therapy is an added frustration but we barely have what will maybe enable us to live into old age and when that is gone there will be nothing left over (I am 63, he is 69). One year with no income at all hasn’t helped and we don’t qualify for any help. Having seen our rent go up big time is another huge problem, together with huge tenancy problems which we already had in Wales due to the little or no protection tenants get in the UK, reason why we hoped to start a new life in England, which completely backfired. 

Thanks for reading all this, 

Francisca

Hello Ross,

May thanks for writing to me. I am surely going to contact the autism helpline, as we are at breaking point. All the problems we have had in the 5 years that we have been together have had a huge impact on me, to the point that right now I am very ill. Living in the modern world means that partners of people with mental problems have a lot of other problems they have to cope with on their own. I suppose that like me they feel abandoned by the very same person who should be supporting them, and in case of an autistic man I feel that the situation is even worse because many of us women need that support from them. What happens is that we become the man in the relationship and this creates huge frustrations, resentments on both parts, emotional deprivation. In my case I am alone in the UK, even more alone now that one year ago we moved from Wales to England and I don’t have people I can talk to either because after all he is such a nice guy…. Which he is, but does not function well in a relationship. 

My husband is a high functioning autist. He was a nuclear scientist and professional drummer. We have now talked and he is able to accept that this diagnostic might apply to him. The lack of help out there is appalling, leaving people like me, who are already exhausted, to find help by themselves. I am sure that he would be open to a diagnose but then again, I have read stories of women left desperate because despite all the signs the partner was not diagnosed. That fills me with fear because then there would be no way out of this. I suffer from PTSD, due to trauma, but I have never been able to get a diagnostic, even though my GP here in England, who got to know me quite well through a dreadful time last year, was sure that I do. Unfortunately, to make everything worse she has now moved on and I mostly get a different doctor every time I call the surgery, so no one knows me or my situation. Very often they are locums. 

As far as diagnose goes I also think that my husband wouldn’t lie but he is a man who doesn’t seem to know himself. He doesn’t understand that what goes on inside him is one thing, what he projects to the outside world is a very different one. His first wife suffered from severe mental illness for most of their long marriage and I now wonder whether she also struggled with some of the issues I struggle with. Deprivation can have an everlasting effect on someone. He was seen as the attentive, well-balanced, highly educated, loving husband, which I am sure he was, but equally I can’t believe he was providing what she needed. I experienced that myself when in December. I gave up on life and after a short conversation the psychiatrist announced that he was a very balanced person. So in the end it is those women who become desperate who are seen as having a mental problem. In better times I have always been a strong, driven, wise individual, even during dreadful times…. But I know that I am now doing very badly. 

I will phone the helpline tomorrow. Most of all what I need right now is to understand how I found myself in such a relationship again, how to protect myself from this feeling of helplessness, and maybe finding someone who could listen to the both of us and give us some support. Also someone who can explain to him how these 5 years have made me feel and why having all my emotional needs negated has had such a huge impact on me. The fact that we don’t have the money to pay for therapy is an added frustration but we barely have what will maybe enable us to live into old age and when that is gone there will be nothing left over (I am 63, he is 69). One year with no income at all hasn’t helped and we don’t qualify for any help. Having seen our rent go up big time is another huge problem, together with huge tenancy problems which we already had in Wales due to the little or no protection tenants get in the UK, reason why we hoped to start a new life in England, which completely backfired. 

Thanks for reading all this, 

Francisca