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My husband is possibly autistic, I need HELP!

Myosotis

I need help! For some reason I seem to attract autistic men and the same goes for my current husband. We are pensioners, met at a later age and our marriage is on the brink of collapse. I feel very isolated and I surely can't speak to him abou tit! He is on anti-depressants now and that made some difference but his problems and lack of empathy are not something that can be treated with anti-depressants only. GP's keep changing, we moved from Wales to England at the beginning of Lockdown, I feel so very isolated... He shows a lot of signs, some maybe quite intimate and for me connected with others who are going through the same would surely help me at least understand what is going on. My life has been so very difficult... never thought that I would confronted with this once again! I have all the compassion for people with problems but as a next of kin I feel left in the cold! Thanks for all the help you can give me... Communicating with him is almost impossible! 

Parents

  • Hi

    Can you explain the communication problems?    What does he like to talk about?    If you're in the elderly bracket, what sort of help are you looking for?    

    It's not normally a problem of us lacking empathy, it;s more of confusion about what is appropriate in the situation - we're bad at guessing what's needed - 'normal' people are complex and throw emotions at us too quickly - often with conflicting language - things like sarcasm - so we need more time to process - it makes us seem cold and lacking in spontaneity. 

    If you've been together for a long time, you may have changed a lot from when you were younger - he probably won't have changed inside - you may have become a complex enigma that he just doesn't understand any more - and if you get upset and throw emotions at him, he'll probably just shut down.

    I would suggest looking back and finding things to do together that you used to enjoy.     Does he have any hobbies?    Spending time indulging him in those hobbies will make him remember you're worth being with.

    What do you do for fun?

Reply

  • Hi

    Can you explain the communication problems?    What does he like to talk about?    If you're in the elderly bracket, what sort of help are you looking for?    

    It's not normally a problem of us lacking empathy, it;s more of confusion about what is appropriate in the situation - we're bad at guessing what's needed - 'normal' people are complex and throw emotions at us too quickly - often with conflicting language - things like sarcasm - so we need more time to process - it makes us seem cold and lacking in spontaneity. 

    If you've been together for a long time, you may have changed a lot from when you were younger - he probably won't have changed inside - you may have become a complex enigma that he just doesn't understand any more - and if you get upset and throw emotions at him, he'll probably just shut down.

    I would suggest looking back and finding things to do together that you used to enjoy.     Does he have any hobbies?    Spending time indulging him in those hobbies will make him remember you're worth being with.

    What do you do for fun?

Children
  • in reply to Plastic

    Hi, the communication problems we have is me explaining things and him not understanding them, even if I believe that I was very clear. In some cases I have started to even create diagrams to make it easier to understand, still, he trained as a nuclear scientist. He also has difficulty sticking to the facts. His head seems to fill gaps with information he adds up which sometimes doesn't make much sense, which leaves me to deal with important stuff where you can't afford to be seen as unreliable. He also says things in an important conversation, even things that could be life changing for us but later does not remember that he said that. These are just some examples. Although we are indeed pensioners, 63 and 69, no one would classify us as elderly, I think....although I know that he loves me there is often a lack of compassion, even if inside of him he thinks that he conveys it? That leaves me feeling awfully lonely. 

    The help I am looking for is to try to understand what is going on here, how to understand why he is the way he is and for him to do the same. He is open to it. . I think that if we can get to that stage he wouldn't need the anti-depressants anymore either. 

    Thanks for telling me how things are with you and I think that if my husband could get to that stage of understanding and learning how to deal with it we would be in a very different place. The things you talk about is exactly what I see in him and the reason why I maybe do not act in the best way.

    We have been together for 5 years, so we didn't know one another. Yes, he has hobbies, which he loves, like building model planes (he was in the British team of model flying), he is a drummer, a videographer and has a recording studio at home, so plenty of things to do. He does know that I am worth being with but sometimes he doesn't know how to convey that.