My husband is possibly autistic, I need HELP!

Did you move close to anyone you know? Lockdown is really difficult for anyone who isn't an introvert, but it becoming unbearable for even introverts at this point so I can't imagine individuals who are used to having friends and family around often.

What is it about autistic men you love? Do they appear more reliable? More grounded? 

Men have always seemed attracted to me for particular qualities that I would identify now as autistic. I've had one longer relationship (10 years) but for the most, they fall apart within a few months or years. Now I'm older and have spent quality time alone exploring all of this (doing the type of research which should give me a few PhDs, but it's really just to work out the world around me), I'm enjoying my time alone, but I also have a son and a few close friends I talk to a few times a week. I joined a philosophy group once a week because humans need community and so I make the effort.

But I'm sorry to hear your life has been difficult, too. 

I can tell you that 100% of the autistic individuals I have spoken with all say that emotions are so overwhelming they freeze or it just turns into soup in one's head. Until I was about 25 I was incredibly withdrawn. My mother called me apathetic (but she was also verbally abusive). I had undiagnosed health issues as a child (still have them but learned to manage everything). But also stress... I collect everyones emotions and I hear literally everything - the phone network, appliances downstairs, lights buzzing, noise everywhere... I used to describe life as feeling continually waterboarded - a prisoner being tortured. I couldn't focus, I started having stress head aches daily for 2 years, And then 20 years ago I literally had to restart my life. 

I can imagine that someone like me, if they haven't put a halt on life and started a completely new path toward self-care, I cannot imagine what life would be like to be honest. Overwhelming emotions are so dangerous for me, when I'm going through something heartbreaking, I don't even trust myself to walk downstairs without talking myself through it out loud. Or making tea with boiling water with out talking through it - out loud. The research and work I've done to even sift apart what my core self values and align my words and actions with what I truly believe is quite daunting but worth the undertaking. Identifying my limits and failures, in a world that plays power games - with humans they say they love! Identifying boundaries and how to be kind with out allowing myself to be abused. Or how to properly invest in a friendship and consider the other. These are not small tasks. Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving is a good one. I've consulted Rabbis and hunted down mentors and allowed my heart to break and re-mend for the better many times over. 

What I'm trying to express is that autistic or not, we all need to feel someone can hear us, someone appreciates us, that we have purpose. We all need community because my best friend won't always be able to pick up the phone or your husband will fail himself and others around. We all need strict disciplines to stay healthy. And we have to have something to fight for. I've felt alone most of my life - frustrated, overwhelmed, unheard due to language problems and communication barriers. Realising the connexion I thought I had with someone was a facade. But in dark times, have learned to take advantage of the space and learn to be a better version of me. 

I've not been able to maintain a partner. For all the work, there's so much miscommunication and I've always been left feeling like no matter what I say, they'll hear what they want to. A few were simply not safe humans. I'm always the one saying I don't understand (even this is apparently offensive), or asking what they mean. And sometimes I need a few weeks to try and cope with attempting to work a misunderstanding out. Sometimes an argument hits me a year later. But had I not gone through years of work to over-articulate, over-communicate, over-reason through, I'd be left with little ability to relay to the other the words and internal heart of what I wanted to convey. 

Hi, thanks for getting in contact Juniper... I am a Southern European, 1/4 Brazilian so I am very outgoing and great in social settings. Yes, arriving in England from Wales a in the middle of March last year was very cruel, also because we were supposed to come here to work hard at our careers, I am a singer, we both did quite a bit on TV, films, etc... Much higher bills too and no right to any type of income for over 1 year. We have done a couple of interviews and therefore a small amount of money came in but nothing else. We moved because the owners of our rental property in Cardiff were moving back from the USA, which never happened due to Covid and the house has not been rented out to other people. All feels terrible but, we thought that a complete break would do us good and here we are closer to London for work opportunities and auditions and are also very close to the big Pinewood Studios, just there is nothing going on. The people in our street are nice and organized a few very socially distanced things in the street regularly, so that was nice but other than that we don't know anybody. 

What I love about these guys? I have been married 4 times (OK, don't gasp... I take relationships very seriously). I think that it is their vulnerability, maybe my need to give to them what I didn't have, warmth, affection, maybe the fact that they are not the biggest hunks and therefore maybe more prone to put effort in a relationship..I am not perfect, they don't have to be perfect either but although with some differences they all were somewhere in the autistic spectrum and with one of them, who was diagnosed with BPD after we separated, his mother one day told me that she thought that he was autistic from an early age. But at times of crisis he was great at baring his soul, which did me a lot of good, my current husband gets much more overwhelmed and can't stay talking about feelings and changes for too long. All highly educated guys, so in some ways they do function very well and I love that part in them. They all have characteristics of my own father, none of which I like! A highly educated archeologist and wine specialist, completely rubbish at relationships. Very nice guy for people in general and pleasant enough at home but can't forge any attachments. When my Mum passed he remarried someone we knew for a very long time and drove her into an early grave. But not because he is a mean person, or violent, far from it but his aloofness. He is almost 94 now, in an amazing care home in Portugal where we come from and funny enough created a bond with a lady whom, we later discovered, had worked with my mother. He is now a bit more able to show that he misses me, very happy when we can visit but we can't do that now, haven't seen him since September 2019. I feel almost like my life was always permeated with autism, my oldest brother is even more affected but then I believe that a lot of men have this problem, reinforced by the fact that society was never geared towards them being open, of understanding relationships, etc. They were the providers and that was enough but us women need much more than that. 

I also feel that in some areas of mental illness I have had to become an expert, which I never wanted to do, but I still need help in order to manage our daily life if we are to stay together. Yes, we humans need to be part of a community and me being a woman and a Southern European even more so. No, right now I don't really have anyone I can talk to. I have moved around a lot, lived in 6 countries and one thing is to connect cheerfully on social media, a different one is to talk in depth about one's problems. I could be wrong but I think that a relationship of a woman with an autist is much more difficult than the other way around as men seem to miss that connection we women crave less. He doesn't feel the need to do any research, he feels very happy the way he is, or so it seems. His ex-wife ended up having severe mental health problems in her young years and I wonder whether what I experience now wasn't too much for her? Sometimes I also think that my mind will flip and I will be then seen as being the one with the problems. He is also very accepting of everything so in him she wouldn't have had a partner who would fight to understand what had happened and to make sure she was able to come back to normal life. I don't know her but she is about to get married to a guy who at least on the photos seems to be a very spiritual person and maybe better suited to her needs, as I know she was always like that. 

Do you think that you are maybe an empath? I think so... He is not but he does get overwhelmed although he was never able to tell me about it, I just read it him him then withdraws, doing as if he is still present. He is also able to show affection but in learned ways. He is the perfect gentleman, loves to open the car door will never miss on doing that, very good with cards, flowers,occasional gifts, telling me morning and evening which day it is and that he loves me.... which feels sometimes a bit much after 5 years. But talking does not help! 

He is on a different scale than you are, I think.... Same goes for my father and one of my brothers,, they are very placid and quite content? My oldest brother and my ex husband are a lot more complex and suffer much more. I can't start to image how life is for you but, the way you have dealt with everything is remarkable and you should be very proud of yourself! We all have issues, some more than others, the important thing is to learn to deal with them, if necessary by doing a lot of research. On subjects like domestic abuse connected with BPD I am sure that I could teach the professionals a few things. Domestic abuse is very often not connected with mental issues unless they are very visible and if couples had more help there would be a lot less divorces! These men are not thugs... they are people who don't manage to deal with their own demons.

You are right, the modern world is a very difficult place to be at the best of times, let alone if you have issues.  On the surface there is a lot of help, people are becoming ever kinder, but that is not true! The help is not there, just thousands of phone number you can call, just façades with little content! A capitalist society was never meant to a kind, compassionate ones,where human beings are at the forefront of everything. Life is short and should be precious but I know so many people at a later age who are so fed up and so am I. You are so awfully right, we all need someone to hear us, but that is not part of the deal in this world anymore. To give you an example I am actually very ill right now, not because I have bad health but because of everything I have had to deal with. One day your body just starts to protest, even if you are a very strong person, like I am. And it shouldn't be anything to major but all this has created big digestive and gut problems, which should not be too difficult to deal with but the way the NHS is wired has made it all so worse that we have had to call the ambulance a couple of times lately. Their answer, go on taking a big cocktail of medication. The illness hasn't made me as unwell as the cure but turned me into a suffering invalide. If I was an animal I would be in the vets surgery, with loving people around me, but I am not and therefore there is no compassion! 

I decided to go for my singing big time, my husband seemed to want it very much and believed in me. What he didn't think about is how it would overwhelm him as I started to have more success. For me it is very cruel,he let me taste the limelight, for once I was not in the background supporting husbands, children, but I was a true human being showing what she is made of. But.... it has been a very difficult journey because of him. When I remind him that he said that this was my time to shine he does reconsider, and even does as if all the problems exist only in my mind but the next meltdown will eventually happen again and that is what we need to stop. Before Christmas I became so desperate because we also have other severe legal problems that I decided to end my life. 

I still believe that my husband can learn to transform the small gap that makes him different and my life more difficult but, I can tell you that many of the problems you face I face too, even if I am not autistic, like friendships nowadays being more of a façade, the need to feel those around me care for my well-being, affection... we are all human beings with needs! The feeling that no matter what you say they will always make something else out of it happens the other way around as well, between neurotypicals and autists. What we all need is bridges so that we can meet halfway. My husband was married for over 40 years, my father all his life until my mother passed but at what cost? I have come to the conclusion that the best years of my life where actually when I was on my own, lived life to the full and quite an incredible life too. I just wish one time I had fallen for someone who had a brain more like mine.... because I am tired of trying to understand (sorry if I sound unkind).

Hi, thanks for getting in contact Juniper... I am a Southern European, 1/4 Brazilian so I am very outgoing and great in social settings. Yes, arriving in England from Wales a in the middle of March last year was very cruel, also because we were supposed to come here to work hard at our careers, I am a singer, we both did quite a bit on TV, films, etc... Much higher bills too and no right to any type of income for over 1 year. We have done a couple of interviews and therefore a small amount of money came in but nothing else. We moved because the owners of our rental property in Cardiff were moving back from the USA, which never happened due to Covid and the house has not been rented out to other people. All feels terrible but, we thought that a complete break would do us good and here we are closer to London for work opportunities and auditions and are also very close to the big Pinewood Studios, just there is nothing going on. The people in our street are nice and organized a few very socially distanced things in the street regularly, so that was nice but other than that we don't know anybody. 

What I love about these guys? I have been married 4 times (OK, don't gasp... I take relationships very seriously). I think that it is their vulnerability, maybe my need to give to them what I didn't have, warmth, affection, maybe the fact that they are not the biggest hunks and therefore maybe more prone to put effort in a relationship..I am not perfect, they don't have to be perfect either but although with some differences they all were somewhere in the autistic spectrum and with one of them, who was diagnosed with BPD after we separated, his mother one day told me that she thought that he was autistic from an early age. But at times of crisis he was great at baring his soul, which did me a lot of good, my current husband gets much more overwhelmed and can't stay talking about feelings and changes for too long. All highly educated guys, so in some ways they do function very well and I love that part in them. They all have characteristics of my own father, none of which I like! A highly educated archeologist and wine specialist, completely rubbish at relationships. Very nice guy for people in general and pleasant enough at home but can't forge any attachments. When my Mum passed he remarried someone we knew for a very long time and drove her into an early grave. But not because he is a mean person, or violent, far from it but his aloofness. He is almost 94 now, in an amazing care home in Portugal where we come from and funny enough created a bond with a lady whom, we later discovered, had worked with my mother. He is now a bit more able to show that he misses me, very happy when we can visit but we can't do that now, haven't seen him since September 2019. I feel almost like my life was always permeated with autism, my oldest brother is even more affected but then I believe that a lot of men have this problem, reinforced by the fact that society was never geared towards them being open, of understanding relationships, etc. They were the providers and that was enough but us women need much more than that. 

I also feel that in some areas of mental illness I have had to become an expert, which I never wanted to do, but I still need help in order to manage our daily life if we are to stay together. Yes, we humans need to be part of a community and me being a woman and a Southern European even more so. No, right now I don't really have anyone I can talk to. I have moved around a lot, lived in 6 countries and one thing is to connect cheerfully on social media, a different one is to talk in depth about one's problems. I could be wrong but I think that a relationship of a woman with an autist is much more difficult than the other way around as men seem to miss that connection we women crave less. He doesn't feel the need to do any research, he feels very happy the way he is, or so it seems. His ex-wife ended up having severe mental health problems in her young years and I wonder whether what I experience now wasn't too much for her? Sometimes I also think that my mind will flip and I will be then seen as being the one with the problems. He is also very accepting of everything so in him she wouldn't have had a partner who would fight to understand what had happened and to make sure she was able to come back to normal life. I don't know her but she is about to get married to a guy who at least on the photos seems to be a very spiritual person and maybe better suited to her needs, as I know she was always like that. 

Do you think that you are maybe an empath? I think so... He is not but he does get overwhelmed although he was never able to tell me about it, I just read it him him then withdraws, doing as if he is still present. He is also able to show affection but in learned ways. He is the perfect gentleman, loves to open the car door will never miss on doing that, very good with cards, flowers,occasional gifts, telling me morning and evening which day it is and that he loves me.... which feels sometimes a bit much after 5 years. But talking does not help! 

He is on a different scale than you are, I think.... Same goes for my father and one of my brothers,, they are very placid and quite content? My oldest brother and my ex husband are a lot more complex and suffer much more. I can't start to image how life is for you but, the way you have dealt with everything is remarkable and you should be very proud of yourself! We all have issues, some more than others, the important thing is to learn to deal with them, if necessary by doing a lot of research. On subjects like domestic abuse connected with BPD I am sure that I could teach the professionals a few things. Domestic abuse is very often not connected with mental issues unless they are very visible and if couples had more help there would be a lot less divorces! These men are not thugs... they are people who don't manage to deal with their own demons.

You are right, the modern world is a very difficult place to be at the best of times, let alone if you have issues.  On the surface there is a lot of help, people are becoming ever kinder, but that is not true! The help is not there, just thousands of phone number you can call, just façades with little content! A capitalist society was never meant to a kind, compassionate ones,where human beings are at the forefront of everything. Life is short and should be precious but I know so many people at a later age who are so fed up and so am I. You are so awfully right, we all need someone to hear us, but that is not part of the deal in this world anymore. To give you an example I am actually very ill right now, not because I have bad health but because of everything I have had to deal with. One day your body just starts to protest, even if you are a very strong person, like I am. And it shouldn't be anything to major but all this has created big digestive and gut problems, which should not be too difficult to deal with but the way the NHS is wired has made it all so worse that we have had to call the ambulance a couple of times lately. Their answer, go on taking a big cocktail of medication. The illness hasn't made me as unwell as the cure but turned me into a suffering invalide. If I was an animal I would be in the vets surgery, with loving people around me, but I am not and therefore there is no compassion! 

I decided to go for my singing big time, my husband seemed to want it very much and believed in me. What he didn't think about is how it would overwhelm him as I started to have more success. For me it is very cruel,he let me taste the limelight, for once I was not in the background supporting husbands, children, but I was a true human being showing what she is made of. But.... it has been a very difficult journey because of him. When I remind him that he said that this was my time to shine he does reconsider, and even does as if all the problems exist only in my mind but the next meltdown will eventually happen again and that is what we need to stop. Before Christmas I became so desperate because we also have other severe legal problems that I decided to end my life. 

I still believe that my husband can learn to transform the small gap that makes him different and my life more difficult but, I can tell you that many of the problems you face I face too, even if I am not autistic, like friendships nowadays being more of a façade, the need to feel those around me care for my well-being, affection... we are all human beings with needs! The feeling that no matter what you say they will always make something else out of it happens the other way around as well, between neurotypicals and autists. What we all need is bridges so that we can meet halfway. My husband was married for over 40 years, my father all his life until my mother passed but at what cost? I have come to the conclusion that the best years of my life where actually when I was on my own, lived life to the full and quite an incredible life too. I just wish one time I had fallen for someone who had a brain more like mine.... because I am tired of trying to understand (sorry if I sound unkind).