Published on 12, July, 2020
I wondered wether there’s something in being on the autism spectrum and having reduced sexual desire-not come across anything in my reading yet so wondered what people’s experiences are? Oh and asking as a woman too. Thanks
Finding this thread interesting. The more Ive understood about my autism the more my responses to sex have made sense. Reading through everyones posts on here has been very enlightening. I though i would share some of mine and see if other people have had similar experiences
To begin with, as a few other people have mentioned, I think I use masturbation as a stim. It is a huge stress relief and I can feel the need to do it without feeling any particular need for sexual gratification
My relationship with actual sex has always been confusing. I have always had a huge sex drive and desire for sex but have often found the actual act of it an anti climax (pardon the expression) I remember the first time I did it my first thought afterwards was "Is this it? Is this really what everyone makes such a fuss about?"
However I still really wanted to do it again if that made sense. Does anyone else find oral sex (giving or receiving) less pressurised than actual intercourse? i always have
I have a very healthy sex life in my marraige but I still get anxious at the thought of having sex sometimes and if I am lacking in confidence or have had a stressful day or a panic attack I simply cant do it. I sometimes feel with sex that I am acting out what Ive seen in the movies and what other people do rather than doing what I actually enjoy if that makes sense?
does anyone else also find kinky sex less pressurised than ordinary sex? maybe thats just me
Sorry for rambling, its just helps me understand things better to talk to other autistic people about this stuff
I can relate to the acting part rather too strongly. I wouldn't even be fully conscious of it but I'd be relying on lines I'd learnt from more popular schoolmates a decade or more before, plus what I saw as attractive roles from films and adverts. Sadly, I assumed this was how it was supposed to be, those were the rules and I was getting better at playing them, judging by my "success" rate.
And so I became one of those manic pixie dream girl types - free, quirky, hypersexual with a strange kind of projected confidence to deflect from my underlying anxiety. Almost child-like, dancing on the beach in a fluttering scarf like the girl on the tampon advert or acting out what I saw as the sexiest scenes from "What's New Pussycat?".
In reality I was out of control though, desperate for a sense of real connection, and extremely vulnerable. I just thought I had to pretend not to be. :(
I can totally relate to this! I was like acting out a role too as this loud, laddish womanising type which everyone then thought was the real me. In reality I just wanted a nice girl to settle down with. I just couldnt admit that and my anxiety made me mask the real me as a defence mechanism
Im glad youve realised now though, so have I. no one should have to pretend to be anything but themselves.. I think the world expects us auties to fit into their way of doing things
Yeah or like when your down local or something. Ironically I don't think the majority of Autistic people I've met in my life exsactly come across the Alpha type myself included even though I'm 6ft and relatively big in stature but as far as my voice goes I dont exsactly sound macho or anything. Sure my dress sense and fashion is a little scary but hey that's cause I don't like people anyway so it's my way of saying back off and leave me alone. And I know nothing about cars and hate talking football even though I watch it. Like regular NT guy stuff has never apeald to me. In person I'm fairly softly spoken and ironically most people assume I'm gay due to the fact I lack testosterone and have a fairly artistic and unique fashion senses.
Its interesting you do the accent thing too, I thought that was just me. I am from London but grew up in Slough. When Im nervous I tend to sound more cockney and Londonish to almost sound tougher if that makes sense, its like a defence mechanism.
I agree about the sharks, I find they tend to circle anyway no matter what I do though
As for masking, I still mask but I dont have the energy to mask as much as I used to. Im signed off work atm with my autistic anxiety and mental health issues from trying to cope in the work envoronment. Im hoping to start working for myself as a writer so hopefully that will reduce the situations where I need to mask and cope with "normal" people
Yes, I certainly mask much less these days. However, I'm not so dependent on work or others any more so I'm at a stage in my life (close to retirement) where it's safer to shed a lot of it. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I were just starting out.
The balance of power really matters in most situations. As a customer, I mostly call the shots, but as a new starter in an entry level post, the mask would kick in automatically.
Ah yes. My sensitivity is very dominant. And I do alter my voice sometimes, which feels wrong but also needed as a survival mechanism. I live in the North East but my husband is from London and I've lived away a lot. Still, he notices me revert to speaking "Northern" when someone comes to the door or I'm trying to get quotes for building work in.
I also learnt, over a number of years at through various experiences at school at at work, that it can be a big mistake to show any weakness. All it often means is that the sharks start circling cos they've scented blood.
I totally relate to that. It is an internal conflict, when I was at work I felt that conflict every day and it used to drive me mad.
Some situations you may have to mask, like shops etc, but its honestly not worth being anyone but yourself and if people dont accept you for you then stuff them! What I have found helps is Ive realised I cant be fully me with most people but I am like a toned down version of myself and I keep some of my more autistic traits hidden rather than fully masking and being someone else. I find that really helps. Hope that made sense
That is so true! I always feel intimidated around men and much more comfortable around women. I feel with men there is always that unspoken competition to prove whos the most manly and I dont understand that or want to be part of it.
I totally relate to having to switch on to being a normal bloke! I even have a special accent I seem to develop for it and everything! The thing is i have some normal bloke interests like I love football and like going to the pub but I just dont fit in with the rest of it. Im a very sensitive, emotional person and that is kind of taken as a sign of weakness in bloke land
Fully agree. I basically hate anything relating to cars and their maintenance but then so does my husband! We basically need a "normal bloke" assistant for such things. Plus some workplaces can be an utter nightmare. Fortunately we have become better at tailoring things as we get older but it's been a long haul.
It can be the same for some of us men, having to switch on a 'normal bloke' mode for work, or trips to the mechanic, or buying a car, etc.. Some places are tough if you aren't alpha'ish. But at home, good to relax and just be true self.