Partner in denial?

I find that being in the outside world is hard enough without having to 'blend in with others' at home. I'm as yet undiagnosed and didn't want to tell my family until I knew myself. Unfortunately, even though I was only having Christmas with my parents, I found it so unbearable that I had a melt down, upset my Mother and decided I needed to tell her.

Since then, it's been easier for both of us, I cook for myself so my mother leaves the kitchen free for me to do so instead of sorting out her own food at the same time, she also doesn't wash up my dishes as I prefer to do them myself. Also, she knows that I will hoover when my folks are out of the house on the weekend. I don't have to try and fit in. By working around a few simple things and having a few basic routines, my home life has improved and I can focus more of my energy on the outside world which unfortunately hasn't stopped for me despite the pandemic.

Perhaps rather than trying to confront him directly, it might save you some grief to simply observe him and see what causes him stress and frustration. Not everyone who gets stressed has Autism, but the priority is the same. Find solutions that make it easier to function. I've found that ignoring it and trying to soldier on doesn't work in the long run. It eventually catches up with you so it's far better to deal with it now on some level rather than waiting for the fall out later.

With regards to your son. regardless of if your ex-partner is Autistic or not, the important thing is for your child to have balance. I'm certain that he would agree with that. You both want what's going to be best and if that means trying to understand the quirks that govern how each of you function as an individual than it's worth taking the time to explore that.

I find that being in the outside world is hard enough without having to 'blend in with others' at home. I'm as yet undiagnosed and didn't want to tell my family until I knew myself. Unfortunately, even though I was only having Christmas with my parents, I found it so unbearable that I had a melt down, upset my Mother and decided I needed to tell her.

Since then, it's been easier for both of us, I cook for myself so my mother leaves the kitchen free for me to do so instead of sorting out her own food at the same time, she also doesn't wash up my dishes as I prefer to do them myself. Also, she knows that I will hoover when my folks are out of the house on the weekend. I don't have to try and fit in. By working around a few simple things and having a few basic routines, my home life has improved and I can focus more of my energy on the outside world which unfortunately hasn't stopped for me despite the pandemic.

Perhaps rather than trying to confront him directly, it might save you some grief to simply observe him and see what causes him stress and frustration. Not everyone who gets stressed has Autism, but the priority is the same. Find solutions that make it easier to function. I've found that ignoring it and trying to soldier on doesn't work in the long run. It eventually catches up with you so it's far better to deal with it now on some level rather than waiting for the fall out later.

With regards to your son. regardless of if your ex-partner is Autistic or not, the important thing is for your child to have balance. I'm certain that he would agree with that. You both want what's going to be best and if that means trying to understand the quirks that govern how each of you function as an individual than it's worth taking the time to explore that.

Amazing, thank you so much for sharing. Interestingly my ex-partner also dislikes cooking together. For me I really enjoy cooking together and I have come to realise that's just one of the things that I can't look to my partner to enjoy with, but with other friends instead.  

From the past I know that even mentioning the word "autistic" to my ex-partner would result in explosive fights; so it is great advice that I should refrain from the labels and try identify quirks and simple work-arounds for a more harmonious relationship.

I'd be very interested to know more about your journey, in terms of what did you find helpful in your self discovery? 

Thanks ever so much