Published on 12, July, 2020
I've got a much needed new friend. How do I avoid overwhelming him?
He's NT, he seems really well adjusted, he's straightforward and good at communicating when and when he can't meet. He seems glad too, I think he's kinda got caught up with family n kids, and friends with kids who are busy, so glad of a chat. I've told him I'm autistic and he was amazingly gentle with it. I'm really relieved to have a well adjusted, uncomplicated male friend who's a similar age. It's gone really nicely, but I can be quite intense and that started to come out today. So what do I talk about to keep things lighter?
I've tended to make friends by having deep 1-1 chats. I've read of other aspies who do friendship quite intensley, asking probing questions, showing care, getting people to open up. It ends up with me being everyone's therapist. I'd like a more mutual relationship, and to stay lighter, and also he's well adjusted and doesn't need deep and meaningful. But today I started to go there anyway cos I'd run out of stuff to say. NT conversations about beer, football, tv, popular culture, kids or whatever else they talk about don't do anything for me but leave me bemused and silent.
So, how am I gonna take this friendship forward. I'm seeing him next just after christmas for a 2'30" run, which is a lot of talking time.
So I decided that he's just a better choice of friend than I normally go for. He's grounded and sorted and doesn't have complex needs and has the capacity to "hold" whilst most of my friendships it's me doing the holding. So I'm unmasking and in a different role to normal, which is all good! It's unsettling, but good!
He's also displayed a few autistic traits which I can also find unsettling due to the sense of ease that releases in me.
So I'll keep on eye on my traits and neurosis and go slow n steady rather than make a declaration that he's my new special interest. I often want to clarify with new friends "So, do you want to be friends then?" And then make a MOU about what the friendship expectations entail;>).
Oh I so wish our society made it okay to declare friendships and relationships. I think I'd have done well in the 19th century where everything was more formal, and if you wanted to be friends with someone, you visited their house and left your calling card. There was a lot of etiquette and rules and those would suit me.
Yeah, it's the same in relationships. I'm there wanting explicit clarity "so, do you want a relationship?" Whereas everyone seems to want to make it look like an accident, like you accidently sat a bit close, and the other person accidentally put their hands on the others legs. I just assume 'oo, they sit close'. I mean I can't do accidents, nothing i do is accidental or a subconscious slip.
I think i missed the best opportunity i'll get by someone snuggling up to me when camping last year when i thought he was asleep, when now i realise he clearly wasn't. I tried talking about it which didn't work.
But then at christmas another assumed straight friend said to me (I'm a gay male) when talking about him trying to get together with a girl said "It's funny how when you like one person it opens things more with others, like i just thought then what would it be like to cuddle up with you." I took it as an honest reflection on a fleeting thought that happens in the complexity of the mind, but maybe it was a bit of a move.
It's hard! But at least I now understand the dynamics that I miss, so I hope to miss them less.
NP KikiCat