How to avoid overwhelming a new friend?

So I decided that he's just a better choice of friend than I normally go for. He's grounded and sorted and doesn't have complex needs and has the capacity to "hold" whilst most of my friendships it's me doing the holding. So I'm unmasking and in a different role to normal, which is all good! It's unsettling, but good!

He's also displayed a few autistic traits which I can also find unsettling due to the sense of ease that releases in me.

So I'll keep on eye on my traits and neurosis and go slow n steady rather than make a declaration that he's my new special interest. I often want to clarify with new friends "So, do you want to be friends then?" And then make a MOU about what the friendship expectations entail;>).

Oh I so wish our society made it okay to declare friendships and relationships. I think I'd have done well in the 19th century where everything was more formal, and if you wanted to be friends with someone, you visited their house and left your calling card. There was a lot of etiquette and rules and those would suit me.

Yeah, it's the same in relationships. I'm there wanting explicit clarity "so, do you want a relationship?" Whereas everyone seems to want to make it look like an accident, like you accidently sat a bit close, and the other person accidentally put their hands on the others legs. I just assume 'oo, they sit close'. I mean I can't do accidents, nothing i do is accidental or a subconscious slip.

I think i missed the best opportunity i'll get by someone snuggling up to me when camping last year when i thought he was asleep, when now i realise he clearly wasn't. I tried talking about it which didn't work.

But then at christmas another assumed straight friend said to me (I'm a gay male) when talking about him trying to get together with a girl said "It's funny how when you like one person it opens things more with others, like i just thought then what would it be like to cuddle up with you." I took it as an honest reflection on a fleeting thought that happens in the complexity of the mind, but maybe it was a bit of a move.

It's hard! But at least I now understand the dynamics that I miss, so I hope to miss them less.

Yeah, it's the same in relationships. I'm there wanting explicit clarity "so, do you want a relationship?" Whereas everyone seems to want to make it look like an accident, like you accidently sat a bit close, and the other person accidentally put their hands on the others legs. I just assume 'oo, they sit close'. I mean I can't do accidents, nothing i do is accidental or a subconscious slip.

I think i missed the best opportunity i'll get by someone snuggling up to me when camping last year when i thought he was asleep, when now i realise he clearly wasn't. I tried talking about it which didn't work.

But then at christmas another assumed straight friend said to me (I'm a gay male) when talking about him trying to get together with a girl said "It's funny how when you like one person it opens things more with others, like i just thought then what would it be like to cuddle up with you." I took it as an honest reflection on a fleeting thought that happens in the complexity of the mind, but maybe it was a bit of a move.

It's hard! But at least I now understand the dynamics that I miss, so I hope to miss them less.

NP KikiCat 

Oh thanks for that @aidie and Mark (NicheMarket) See it didn't work for me with aidie  aidie Oh there you are! I just typed too fast, you have to type slowly.

Thanks for saying who you mean in replies. I always get confused because I'm never sure if people are replying to me or someone else.

Yes. In other places, if I ask too many questions people think I'm being deliberately annoying when all I want is a clear answer 

Yes, where i wrote @kikicat your name should have popped up and then you'd have got a notification i'd replied to your comment.

The threads were getting complicated with more than one person replying so i wanted to say which repky was for who.

Wowser it's so refreshing to be on here where people just say what's in their heads and what they mean!

it just means someone tried to find u using a search ( using @ ) you didnt return in the list. It happens all the time. Nothing to worry about.

if u key in @aidie in any discussion text like a reply,   you should find me ( i had to check )

What does it mean 'my profile doesn't pop up'? I have no idea what that means...

Yes Cookiesmum1986 I can see online dating is easier for this, I'm waiting for lockdown to end to try it again.

And yes, I've got to be clearer myself and say things like "do you want a date." Lovely guys emerge through my networks once a year or so but it's all too ambiguous!

Thanks @kikicat (hmm your profile doesn't pop up). I think I've twigged my autism gets in the way and that'll help in future. I'll be bolder, and i'll check in with friends quicker!

I'm so glad I'm not dating any more! I had loads of moments like this but I realised that being a walking oblivion was just making me miserable. 

I did online dating because that was its obvious that we were looking for a romantic partner and not another friend, I was also very upfront about being autistic and asked if that was an issue (at the first face to face usually, not on my profile). 

I don't know how to tackle someone who you already know and have an idea might like you. I'm not very good face to face so I'd probably text and ask if I'd misread signs and explain that I'm autistic (you might want to use cushioning language like "high functioning" or "mildly" if you think it will put him off but then think about long term, do you want a long term relationship with someone who doesn't accept your autism?), and explain that people with autism miss subtle social cues.

Failing that, you could always just ask them out on something that is clearly a date? It's a minefield. 

Oh dear, you've reached the end of my knowledge, sorry. I don't know how to be clear because people always think I'm being rude when I am being clear 

Hopefully someone else will arrive with ideas.

I definitely got the idea it was a date as I understand that is what is supposed to happen. If someone asks someone out to a party or occasion, it is a date. No one else has ever asked me out to an occasion so it was pretty surprising. I just understood he was concerned that I would say no to being picked up on a motorbike and he'd have to find another mode of transport. My mum and my friends were very disapproving of travelling on a motorbike but I didn't see any danger in it.

Maybe because you're thinking about these men, you're sending out signals that are attracting them, somehow! (that is a lightbulb= idea)

Oh I see! I thought that was all the text said.

The main thing is, I have to find ways of being clearer with guys, and earlier, before I've totally fallen for them and then scared of scaring them off.

I also have to find a way of meeting out gay men, rather than attracting all these closest ones which makes it all very ambiguous and ambivalent.

I meant being asked to a birthday and riding on a bike wouldn't have made me think relationship possibility, but I guess there was more context.

The motorbike guy texted me this morn out of the blue after 3-4 months! Then whilst running I saw a guy who made a move on me 15 years ago that i bungled (he's now married); and then i saw the guy i'm totally infatuated with that i messed up. Weird!

The text did have more in it. I seemed to have focussed on the detail and not seen his question in context. She said there were 8 positives in the text, and 1 "negative," but she said people typically frame clarifying intent in a defensive way. I can see generally I can't put things in context. So someone sitting really close will just be someone sitting really close, but not in oo we flirt a lot and now they're sitting close.

What's the motorbike thing? I thought he just meant 'do you mind riding on a motorbike' I didn't think it was some kind of double meaning thing...

Hm, I'd have read that text as the guy only wanting a platonic relationship...

I wouldn't have got the back of the motorbike thing as clear enough!

A guy asked me this summer to go on the back of his motorbike and wrap my arm around his tummy and sit close, which seemed odd cos i've always held the back. It felt nice. The next time after 4 hours running together he asked me to go to lunch with him after showering and we spent another two hours together. He went quiet after that. I did wonder if something was going on, but decided it wasn't. More and more guys are springing to mind, eek!

The only time I've actually got it was when in a running club a guy asked me for my phone number. It was like they do in films, so I got that. We had a pretty good relationship for two years. The other relationship I got into I actually shutdown for 1.5 days and I have zero memory of what happened except I'm told I didn't make the move! It was after 9 months ambiguity.

Yeah, if i liked him more i would have gone back to him. I think though even if they like you they don't like making it explicit at that point and shy away. I'd probably freak out. Someone has to be brave first. So I have to get braver!!!

Yeah, i've missed a few opportunities looking back. One guy wrote me a text saying "just checking nothing's going on and it's just platonic?" I read that as a boundary so made it very very clear it was just platonic. Some time later i chatted to a colleague who was trained as a therapist and showed her the text. She told me i'd read it wrong, it was obvious to her he was looking for clarity, feeling unsure how i felt, sticking his neck out, etc, etc. I just couldn't get how he meant the opposite of what i thought he'd written! I've wondered recently if i should try and remeet him.

The two other guys are now in relationships:( It's hard!

I think when people say things like that you could challenge them later after you've thought about it. Say 'when you said ____ what did you mean? I was confused.'

Looking back at my life, there are dozens of times when I could have clarified situations but didn't know what to say.

I used to do that all the time, looking back there were boys/men who liked me but weren't obvious enough. I met one of them years later, he said 'I really liked you at university'. I was so surprised I just stared but I should have said 'why didn't you SAY then?' He was really nice too! He would have saved me from a shitty boyfriend later! But the shitty boyfriend got me because he was really obvious about liking me and I was so amazed that a boy actually liked me I just went along with it.

I think the main reason I got together with my husband was because he was also really obvious. He said 'my friend is having her birthday party next weekend. Would you like to come with me? Would you mind going on the back of my motorbike?' I was delighted and that was that, we've been married 25 years now!

We need clarity in relationships.