Awful awful day ending in tears

I just cant figure people out. I really cant. I dont try I mess things up, i try and mess things up.

Started off someone feeling underappreciated on a project so i bought her a bottle of wine and messaged saying will leave it for her (social distancing) and said it's a thank you for all you do. Well this caused offence and i was told to keep it! I apologised saying I'm sorry I meant it as appreciation and no offence. I've never said anything about her I barely know her but I was organising the work

Then upset someone I've known for 5 minutes. I'd cancelled plans the other night explained I get anxious meeting new people etc. Then she explained she understood and if I ever want to talk shes there. Was really nice. Today I've not seen her at all but someone i thought was a friend, her husband who's meant to help with a medical issue knew that I was meant to be working today (never met him and decided not to use him  as I cant find his credentials) anyway he turns up and this new lady was there. He starts telling her about why I'd called him! ! Blatant data protection issue for a start. She said I'll stop you there and she messaged me saying he told me about your issue! (Nothing disturbing at all but I dont want to disclose for my identity) anyway the lady I hoped to be friends with said I need distance from you (meaning me) my potential new friend gone. I asked my husband to check my messages but nothing untoward. 

I ended up in tears as I try so bloody hard but mess up. Why cant I have 1 friend? I'm honest, caring, kind. I get hurt alot

  • Well I got an e-mail several days ago from someone who says he's the appointed person to investigate it. Haven't heard back but at least they're trying not to ignore me. I guess I should appreciate that but like you I've lost a lot of faith and trust in people. I hope you're feeling better and the effects of your awful day have subsided a bit. Though I know that's easier said than done for autistic people. I'm glad to have a friend like you anyway

  • Yes I think your right with rules for different people. I get confused and treat them all the same without thinking

  • So I'm trying to stay off social media and away from people but this morning something happened and I had to call the police for someone in the street. Theres a gun involved and some not good people. It's taken me ages and I cant calm. I was told to stay by police but there was a crowd turn up and I couldnt cope. I'd also had a shutdown and cant remember a chunk of what happened. Also the bloke that used to stalk me turned up tried shouting orders at me but I ignored him (stakled me I later found out hes a rapist) so his presence shot my anxiety sky high. I'm chewing, flapping, rocking. Completly not me I just called the police to help someone. I cant calm myself. I'm scared these people know where I live, scared I cant remember from my shut down, anxious from the stalker. This year has been awful

  • It would annoy me too.     I agree with you - there's a lot of people involved with charities that are just in it for an eventual MBE or something.   

    Stand your ground - and if they don't like being called out, then maybe they will think a bit more before blaming the wrong people.

  • So theres the voluntary thing I'm doing, I thought it odd they asked for my help but being its for a good cause i went for it. Today however i feel like we were called in to be used as a scape goat and I'm angry. As usual i cant give info away as a few people i think use this site. But someones accused us of vandalism basically. But it deffinatly wasent us and I know exactly who it will be but no evidence (related to who asked for my help). It was called out on facebook so I replied it's not us and let them know the areas we worked in. The person in charge didnt reply publically but private messaged me saying I shouldnt reply on facebook and should ignore messages! I replied I'm not being blamed or having the group of volunteers who have worked incredibly hard for you being blamed for something that isnt anything to do with us. She replied a thumbs up. I'm fuming! You try and do a good deed and get screwed over! I dont understand people at all. Every charity I've helped has people in it for own gain. The last one had missing funds and simple maths in my head i asked wheres the missing funds as the kids will miss out. The treasurer and secretary then disappeared a few months then quit making me out to be the bad guy as I'd angered them but the missing funds never appeared!

  • That's really kind I appreciate your words. How are things going now with the church thing? Are you more possitive?

  • Theres a bird scarer this was much louder and thankfully lasted just that day. Then I hear someone behind us with drug issues had a gun before!

  • Hey mouse2 so sorry your going through this, people can be butt heads, I come from a privilege position, I've worked in leisure and with public for a long time, so I'm conditioned to say hey how are you doing, smile at people.

    Most of my clients I feel appreciate havnig someone to listen to them, or get on a subject we can have a good chat about.

    But socialising with people hmm, tricky most times i just listen in ask questions, show genuine interest in people,

    I find people warm to having someone show interest in them.

    Now and again i get people checking in on me and asking me about me, I mostly say good, or if someone I know well talk about the hard things going on for me.

    But now try to make an effort to look at the good things going on for me and share these with people , just being careful not to go too overboard and watch for when i'm losing peoples interest or get back on track with the conversation.

    As a culture i feel its not cool for men to talk about their feelings.

    Basically life seems overly compliacted, you have to have rules for each person, its exhausting.

    Keeping talking seems you have friends here that will listen and have your back :)

  • Hi, I'm so sorry that you are down about this. I read the story  several times and simply couldn't understand it either (ie. what makes the twist that leads to rejection?).

    I almost felt myself sinking into despondency as I read it and recognised my own experiences and failure to make friends.

    As Plastic said, don't stop being yourself and being nice. There can be other reasons why they don't want a friend at the moment, such as too many friends already that all need reciprocal actions and catch up calls.

    People can also feel spooked by kindness, when the world and work life is so rough then unexpected  generosity can be misunderstood and mistrusted, as explained by Deepthought

  • People are so complicated arent they. Hopefully one day we will figure it out

  • Thank you, I'm trying to keep my mind busy. I've constantly run into such situations and ended up hurt. I just want 1 good friend

  • If it’s any consolation - I’m in a similar boat, it’s wearing me down so damn much that I don’t know how much more I can take. 


  • I just cant figure people out. I really cant. I dont try I mess things up, i try and mess things up.

    I tend to think of socialising as being like a dance but not immediately or even at all being able to dance the required formulaic steps, so it is either a case of learning the dance steps and moves, waiting until freestyle is acceptable or else being supportive or affirmative to the ‘dancing’ itself in some way ~ such as in my most preferred sense of watching, learning and offering council or conference when sought.


    Started off someone feeling underappreciated on a project so i bought her a bottle of wine and messaged saying will leave it for her (social distancing) and said it's a thank you for all you do. Well this caused offence and i was told to keep it! I apologised saying I'm sorry I meant it as appreciation and no offence. I've never said anything about her I barely know her but I was organising the work

    This one seems very much like a transaction overload, where perhaps the lady unmasked to reveal her vulnerability temporarily for momentary support and her masked in general capable self took offence at the gift of support that later followed ~ not too dissimilar to the transaction process described by Eric Berne in Chapter 3 Procedures and Rituals of his 1964 book Games People Play ~ The Psychology Of Human Relationships, as in part follows:


    Of more significance as an introduction to game analysis are informal rituals, and among the most instructive are the American greeting rituals.

    1A; "Hi!" (Hello, good morning.)

    1B: "Hi!" (Hello, good morning.)

    2A: "Warm enough for ya?" (How are you?)

    2B: "Sure is. Looks like rain, though." (Fine. How are you?)

    3A: "Well, take cara yourself." (Okay.)

    3B: "I'll be seeing you."

    4A: "So long."

    4B: "So long."

    It is apparent that this exchange is not intended to convey information. Indeed, if there is any information, it is wisely withheld. It might take Mr. A fifteen minutes to say how he is, and Mr. B, who is only the most casual acquaintance, has no intention of devoting that much time to listening to him. This series of transactions is quite adequately characterized by calling it an "eight-stroke ritual." If A and B were in a hurry, they might both be contented with a two-stroke exchange, Hi-Hi. If they were old-fashioned Oriental potentates, they might go through a two-hundred stroke ritual before settling down to business. Meanwhile, in the jargon of transactional analysis, A and B have improved each other's health slightly; for the moment, at least, "their spinal cords won't shrivel up," and each is accordingly grateful. This ritual is based on careful intuitive computations by both parties. At this stage of their acquaintance they figure that they owe each other exactly four strokes at each meeting, and not oftener than once a day. If they run into each other again shortly, say within the next half hour, and have no new business to transact, they will pass by without any sign, or with only the slightest nod of recognition, or at most with a very perfunctory Hi-Hi. These computations hold not only for short intervals but over periods of several months. Let us now consider Mr. C and Mr. D, who pass each other about once a day, trade one stroke each—Hi-Hi —and go their ways. Mr. C goes on a month's vacation. The day after he returns, he encounters Mr. D as usual. If on this occasion Mr. D merely says "Hi!" and no more, Mr. C will be offended, "his spinal cord will shrivel slightly." By his calculations, Mr. D and he owe each other about thirty strokes. These can be compressed into a few transactions, if those transactions are emphatic enough. Mr. D's side properly runs something like this (where each unit of "intensity" or "interest" is equivalent to a stroke):

    ID: "Hi!" (1 unit.)

    2D: "Haven't seen you around lately." (2 units.)

    3D: "Oh, have you! Where did you go?" (5 units.)

    4D: "Say, that's interesting. How was it?" (7 units.)

    5D: "Well, you're sure looking fine." (4 units.) "Did your family go along?" (4 units.)

    6D: "Well, glad to see you back." (4 units.)7D: "So long." (I unit.)

    This gives Mr. D a total of 28 units. Both he and Mr. C know that he will make up the missing units the following day, so the account is now, for all practical purposes, squared. Two days later they will be back at their two-stroke exchange, Hi-Hi. But now they "know each other better," i.e., each knows the other is reliable, and this may be useful if they should meet "socially." The inverse case is also worth considering. Mr. E and Mr. F have set up a two-stroke ritual, Hi-Hi. One day instead of passing on, Mr. E stops and asks: "How are you?" The conversation proceeds as follows:

    IE: "Hi!"

    IF: "Hi!'

    2E: "How are you?"

    2F (Puzzled'): "Fine. How are you?"

    3E: "Everything's great. Warm enough for you?"

    3F: "Yeah." (Cautiously.) "Looks like rain, though."

    4E: "Nice to see you again."

    4F: "Same here. Sorry, I've got to get to the library before it closes. So long."

    5E: "So long."

    As Mr. F hurries away, he thinks to himself: "What's come over him all of a sudden? Is he selling insurance or something?" In transactional terms this reads: "All he owes me is one stroke, why is he giving me five?"

    https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/4483/0656dabe142af74e9965215ca48e00be258a.pdf


    If that helps to any extent?


  • So sorry to hear what happened, mouse2. I’d love to say something like “they know not what they do”... BUT ... they MUST know. Sounds like you’ve been unfairly judged, misunderstood AND had your privacy breached. A better day will come ... they always do. Meantime, trust in yourself, continue to be caring toward others, and know that you’re not alone. 

  • Oh that sounds horrid, people can be so insensitive Grimacing .... please try not to dwell on it, it sounds like there are some issues with those persons, that may have nothing to do with your actions. You did nothing untoward from what I understand. Don't waste Slight smileanymore time on them. When I feel stressed, I use an app called Woebot, which I have found very useful in terms of getting things in perspective. This is a totally legit recommendation and it's free. I hope you feel better soon Slight smile

  • Hi mouse2 I feel you. I hate it when NTs say they 'need distance' from us like we're serial killers. I had someone say that about me via someone else (as you know the church shite) and whatever anyone says about letting it go &c, it's the cruellest thing one could do to someone else who is harmless and just trying to be friendly so I feel deeply for you. It's not your fault in any way. It's basically saying "you're not worth my time and energy because you're different and have more problems than I'm willing to accommodate" but disguised as self-care and 'being kind to oneself' which now more than ever is the NT euphemism for being selfish. It's not your fault in any way. You're a wonderful, helpful and compassionate person. You have a strong sense of right and wrong. You're honest and sincere. I know this from the empathy you have shown me. And if you do want a friend feel free to add me and we can talk more :-)

  • Probably not a shotgun but a bird-scarer - they have shotgun-like cartridges and go off randomly to scare birds from crops.

  • Aww , you sound like a lovely person ..anyone can get social situation wrong from time to time .. we all do it. In this case you haven't .. you've been nothing but kind and considerate. 

    Don't change you're a star ..you don't need to buy things or put yourself out for people who are your friends. 

    I've never met you and I like who you are. I've never had a bottle of wine from you and I like who you are ;). 

    Friendship is 2 way and from your explanations it looks like you have something much better .. you have your husband. You have a best friend. Xx

  • I'm deffinatly too nice. I have the point of view that we should help each other if needed and not do anything to hurt each other. I cant shake that. Your housing situation sounds awful. I'd be stressed too living there.