Awful awful day ending in tears

mouse2 said:

I just cant figure people out. I really cant. I dont try I mess things up, i try and mess things up.

I tend to think of socialising as being like a dance but not immediately or even at all being able to dance the required formulaic steps, so it is either a case of learning the dance steps and moves, waiting until freestyle is acceptable or else being supportive or affirmative to the ‘dancing’ itself in some way ~ such as in my most preferred sense of watching, learning and offering council or conference when sought.

mouse2 said:

Started off someone feeling underappreciated on a project so i bought her a bottle of wine and messaged saying will leave it for her (social distancing) and said it's a thank you for all you do. Well this caused offence and i was told to keep it! I apologised saying I'm sorry I meant it as appreciation and no offence. I've never said anything about her I barely know her but I was organising the work

This one seems very much like a transaction overload, where perhaps the lady unmasked to reveal her vulnerability temporarily for momentary support and her masked in general capable self took offence at the gift of support that later followed ~ not too dissimilar to the transaction process described by Eric Berne in Chapter 3 Procedures and Rituals of his 1964 book Games People Play ~ The Psychology Of Human Relationships, as in part follows:

Of more significance as an introduction to game analysis are informal rituals, and among the most instructive are the American greeting rituals.

1A; "Hi!" (Hello, good morning.)

1B: "Hi!" (Hello, good morning.)

2A: "Warm enough for ya?" (How are you?)

2B: "Sure is. Looks like rain, though." (Fine. How are you?)

3A: "Well, take cara yourself." (Okay.)

3B: "I'll be seeing you."

4A: "So long."

4B: "So long."

It is apparent that this exchange is not intended to convey information. Indeed, if there is any information, it is wisely withheld. It might take Mr. A fifteen minutes to say how he is, and Mr. B, who is only the most casual acquaintance, has no intention of devoting that much time to listening to him. This series of transactions is quite adequately characterized by calling it an "eight-stroke ritual." If A and B were in a hurry, they might both be contented with a two-stroke exchange, Hi-Hi. If they were old-fashioned Oriental potentates, they might go through a two-hundred stroke ritual before settling down to business. Meanwhile, in the jargon of transactional analysis, A and B have improved each other's health slightly; for the moment, at least, "their spinal cords won't shrivel up," and each is accordingly grateful. This ritual is based on careful intuitive computations by both parties. At this stage of their acquaintance they figure that they owe each other exactly four strokes at each meeting, and not oftener than once a day. If they run into each other again shortly, say within the next half hour, and have no new business to transact, they will pass by without any sign, or with only the slightest nod of recognition, or at most with a very perfunctory Hi-Hi. These computations hold not only for short intervals but over periods of several months. Let us now consider Mr. C and Mr. D, who pass each other about once a day, trade one stroke each—Hi-Hi —and go their ways. Mr. C goes on a month's vacation. The day after he returns, he encounters Mr. D as usual. If on this occasion Mr. D merely says "Hi!" and no more, Mr. C will be offended, "his spinal cord will shrivel slightly." By his calculations, Mr. D and he owe each other about thirty strokes. These can be compressed into a few transactions, if those transactions are emphatic enough. Mr. D's side properly runs something like this (where each unit of "intensity" or "interest" is equivalent to a stroke):

ID: "Hi!" (1 unit.)

2D: "Haven't seen you around lately." (2 units.)

3D: "Oh, have you! Where did you go?" (5 units.)

4D: "Say, that's interesting. How was it?" (7 units.)

5D: "Well, you're sure looking fine." (4 units.) "Did your family go along?" (4 units.)

6D: "Well, glad to see you back." (4 units.)7D: "So long." (I unit.)

This gives Mr. D a total of 28 units. Both he and Mr. C know that he will make up the missing units the following day, so the account is now, for all practical purposes, squared. Two days later they will be back at their two-stroke exchange, Hi-Hi. But now they "know each other better," i.e., each knows the other is reliable, and this may be useful if they should meet "socially." The inverse case is also worth considering. Mr. E and Mr. F have set up a two-stroke ritual, Hi-Hi. One day instead of passing on, Mr. E stops and asks: "How are you?" The conversation proceeds as follows:

IE: "Hi!"

IF: "Hi!'

2E: "How are you?"

2F (Puzzled'): "Fine. How are you?"

3E: "Everything's great. Warm enough for you?"

3F: "Yeah." (Cautiously.) "Looks like rain, though."

4E: "Nice to see you again."

4F: "Same here. Sorry, I've got to get to the library before it closes. So long."

5E: "So long."

As Mr. F hurries away, he thinks to himself: "What's come over him all of a sudden? Is he selling insurance or something?" In transactional terms this reads: "All he owes me is one stroke, why is he giving me five?"

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/4483/0656dabe142af74e9965215ca48e00be258a.pdf

If that helps to any extent?

mouse2 said:

I just cant figure people out. I really cant. I dont try I mess things up, i try and mess things up.

I tend to think of socialising as being like a dance but not immediately or even at all being able to dance the required formulaic steps, so it is either a case of learning the dance steps and moves, waiting until freestyle is acceptable or else being supportive or affirmative to the ‘dancing’ itself in some way ~ such as in my most preferred sense of watching, learning and offering council or conference when sought.

mouse2 said:

Started off someone feeling underappreciated on a project so i bought her a bottle of wine and messaged saying will leave it for her (social distancing) and said it's a thank you for all you do. Well this caused offence and i was told to keep it! I apologised saying I'm sorry I meant it as appreciation and no offence. I've never said anything about her I barely know her but I was organising the work

This one seems very much like a transaction overload, where perhaps the lady unmasked to reveal her vulnerability temporarily for momentary support and her masked in general capable self took offence at the gift of support that later followed ~ not too dissimilar to the transaction process described by Eric Berne in Chapter 3 Procedures and Rituals of his 1964 book Games People Play ~ The Psychology Of Human Relationships, as in part follows:

Of more significance as an introduction to game analysis are informal rituals, and among the most instructive are the American greeting rituals.

1A; "Hi!" (Hello, good morning.)

1B: "Hi!" (Hello, good morning.)

2A: "Warm enough for ya?" (How are you?)

2B: "Sure is. Looks like rain, though." (Fine. How are you?)

3A: "Well, take cara yourself." (Okay.)

3B: "I'll be seeing you."

4A: "So long."

4B: "So long."

It is apparent that this exchange is not intended to convey information. Indeed, if there is any information, it is wisely withheld. It might take Mr. A fifteen minutes to say how he is, and Mr. B, who is only the most casual acquaintance, has no intention of devoting that much time to listening to him. This series of transactions is quite adequately characterized by calling it an "eight-stroke ritual." If A and B were in a hurry, they might both be contented with a two-stroke exchange, Hi-Hi. If they were old-fashioned Oriental potentates, they might go through a two-hundred stroke ritual before settling down to business. Meanwhile, in the jargon of transactional analysis, A and B have improved each other's health slightly; for the moment, at least, "their spinal cords won't shrivel up," and each is accordingly grateful. This ritual is based on careful intuitive computations by both parties. At this stage of their acquaintance they figure that they owe each other exactly four strokes at each meeting, and not oftener than once a day. If they run into each other again shortly, say within the next half hour, and have no new business to transact, they will pass by without any sign, or with only the slightest nod of recognition, or at most with a very perfunctory Hi-Hi. These computations hold not only for short intervals but over periods of several months. Let us now consider Mr. C and Mr. D, who pass each other about once a day, trade one stroke each—Hi-Hi —and go their ways. Mr. C goes on a month's vacation. The day after he returns, he encounters Mr. D as usual. If on this occasion Mr. D merely says "Hi!" and no more, Mr. C will be offended, "his spinal cord will shrivel slightly." By his calculations, Mr. D and he owe each other about thirty strokes. These can be compressed into a few transactions, if those transactions are emphatic enough. Mr. D's side properly runs something like this (where each unit of "intensity" or "interest" is equivalent to a stroke):

ID: "Hi!" (1 unit.)

2D: "Haven't seen you around lately." (2 units.)

3D: "Oh, have you! Where did you go?" (5 units.)

4D: "Say, that's interesting. How was it?" (7 units.)

5D: "Well, you're sure looking fine." (4 units.) "Did your family go along?" (4 units.)

6D: "Well, glad to see you back." (4 units.)7D: "So long." (I unit.)

This gives Mr. D a total of 28 units. Both he and Mr. C know that he will make up the missing units the following day, so the account is now, for all practical purposes, squared. Two days later they will be back at their two-stroke exchange, Hi-Hi. But now they "know each other better," i.e., each knows the other is reliable, and this may be useful if they should meet "socially." The inverse case is also worth considering. Mr. E and Mr. F have set up a two-stroke ritual, Hi-Hi. One day instead of passing on, Mr. E stops and asks: "How are you?" The conversation proceeds as follows:

IE: "Hi!"

IF: "Hi!'

2E: "How are you?"

2F (Puzzled'): "Fine. How are you?"

3E: "Everything's great. Warm enough for you?"

3F: "Yeah." (Cautiously.) "Looks like rain, though."

4E: "Nice to see you again."

4F: "Same here. Sorry, I've got to get to the library before it closes. So long."

5E: "So long."

As Mr. F hurries away, he thinks to himself: "What's come over him all of a sudden? Is he selling insurance or something?" In transactional terms this reads: "All he owes me is one stroke, why is he giving me five?"

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/4483/0656dabe142af74e9965215ca48e00be258a.pdf

If that helps to any extent?