Social Disaster

I live in the middle of nowhere so there’s little in the way of groups on my doorstep unfortunately. There is a lot of hood information in your post and thank you for taking the time to be so comprehensive in your reply, it is appreciated. I do however think you are the first person to call me empathetic... usually in berated for being tactless haha! I think your idea about the zoo in particular is a good one, as normal social conventions like going for a coffee (other beverages are available) are just so difficult. I think a lot of my issues revolve around confidence and a tendency to be incredibly self deprecative... And that’s before the anxiety has kicked in. I hope at some point I get to the point where I have a few more contacts, even if it is just to text to starve off loneliness then maybe that will rebuild sufficient confidence to push myself a little more. 

I agree. I like your posts, Anthony.  Maybe you can harness exactly what is good about your online presence and use it a bit socially.  I am just like you, I suck at making friends and I simply know that i bore people to death. I'm the type that people cross the road to try and avoid me or  the chair next to me is empty because no-one wants to sit there.  

I can be more objective towards others. So, I can point out your strengths. I have noticed you are good at:

• empathising and helping others
• asking questions to find information
• keeping discussion going
• being kind
• expressing your reasoned point of view
• getting your point across clearly.

I think the reason we autie's get problems is due to the depth of our special interest. It's hard to talk about something we're not interested in, but if we talk about the special interest, we leave others behind.

Online, we have control of the silence between comments and it's not awkward. 

When the lockdown is over, I had an idea to invite a shy person I know to the zoo or a museum.  That way, we can talk about the exhibits  - "oh look, a rhinocerous! " and don't need to keep coming up with subjects ourselves. I also thought of bowling. The more distraction and activity, the better.  I need to have things with a definitive ending, otherwise I get too anxious figuring out how to end.

Because I suck at it, I have been thinking about this for about 6 months and not actually done it, mind you. :-(   but in my defence I work full time. 

The other idea is a volunteer cafe or food bank, where you are spending a limited number of hours per week and you can chat a bit or be more quiet while you work.

I looked into a gardening charity called thrive, where volunteers get together with more disabled people (eg blind, stroke sufferers) and help them do gardening. You don't need to know a lot about it, just help the more disabled person.  Unfortunately where i live I am way too far from the nearest one and I don't drive so I can't join up.

I’m glad you think so... I’m a little less confident! 

Yeah, it’s a difficult one to get right. I think a few of us on here can relate to social difficulties, making friends etc... Hopefully things will change for the better for you soon 

I can deal with the exhaustion if someone is willing to give me a chance, but few do sadly :(

Oh I’m much better in writing but for reasons I do t want to get into I don’t use social media like Facebook or twitter, (all I use is what’s app) so I don’t actually have anyone to talk to online where I’d actually do quite well at it. 

See I’m similar only sometimes I feel I over compensate then talk too much because I become conscious of the fact I’m socially inept - so in essence I then try too hard.

I know what you mean. Talking to people definitely isn’t one of my strong points  I just find it awkward. 

I just generally feel awkward if I try to speak to someone that I don’t know well, or they try to speak to me. If I do start talking it’s usually about stuff they want to talk about, but I can only do that for so long. Sometimes I just don’t feel like speaking much at all. But I know if I do that around people, then it can come across as rude. But I don’t feel like I’m being rude, I’m just doing what I feel. Only people that know me well understand that though I think. 

You are good at communicating online. That is a good start. :) I realize it is not the same as the outside world.m

Yea couldn't agree more.. I've found that communicating always comes with exhaustion.. there always seems to be a price to pay.. sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down.. 

I’ve never understood what people see in Trump personally. Much of my life I’ve found myself not being true to myself and whilst being something that I’m not works for a while I find that it usually wears me down quite a lot.

See in the guy who will sit in the corner and not speak to anyone. It’s easier when people approach me I find, but as cliques already exist I often find that few make any real effort. Is that something you’ve experienced?

If I can build the confidence to do something like that it sounds good, but self confidence is always a huge barrier for me the other issue is that whilst I live in a nice town (moved here a couple of months back), there isn’t much going on - it requires travelling to the bigger towns like Winchester or Basingstoke, and as I don’t drive, that in itself can be problematic. I do seem to click better with others on the spectrum, there are of course exceptions to this.

Don't know if this helps but I really don't have a base line personally so I find myself mimicking other people.. I've managed to refine this into mimicking to suit a situation.. probably controversial but I'm watching a lot of donald trump at the mo and assioated documentaries..  he demands respect and people naturally want to friend hIm based on his communication.. anyway its just another point of view..

Yeah I understand completely what you’re saying. I feel awkward in groups too. But sometimes you can be surprised, because just because you try once or twice and don’t like it, there’s a chance you might go another time, and meet people you really click with. I did it once with a community archeology dig. I felt awkward with some people, but there was this one woman that I really got on well with  plus with something practical like that, I find it takes a bit of pressure off. Because you ain’t just sitting around feeling like you need to talk. That’s just a suggestion though. I hope things get better for you mate 

I don't think there's anything too odd - but if you primarily try too hard with NTs, you will stick out.      I suspect special interest groups are likely to be full of undiagnosed aspies so you should be more comfortable.        And there's nothing wrong with sitting in silence until you can work out the rules of the group.

I run MeetUp groups - often just pub evenings or lunches and there's a whole range of people - some barely talk, some won't shut up!.       A good mix works fine - and a good host will direct the conversations to include everyone - so it's not all down to you.

Thanks Tel. See above in reply to Plastic for my comments on groups but you are right, Lockdown has made that even more difficult even if I was capable. I have undertaken a couple of new long term history projects which is positive but academia is often quite solitary so sadly that won’t necessarily help the social situation. 

See the problem I have with groups is that I am simply terrible in them - I get so anxious and either become so dominant or dead silent. I also get a bit paranoid of what people think of me and have a lot of agoraphobic tendencies - not a food mix right? I want to build confidence and join groups but it’s one of those classic vicious circles I can’t break. I lack self confidence at the best of times too as you can probably tell. 

Hello Anthony,

Sorry to hear about your struggle. You say you have one friend, and that’s good. What you seem to find in life is, a true friend is someone that sees past any issues you think you may have. Try not to worry too much. Is there any groups you could maybe join in your local area? Like Roswell was saying, sometimes it’s good to be around others that share the same interests. Me personally, and I don’t know if it’s because of the lockdown? But I’ve really been thinking a lot about starting to learn how to play the piano. Thinking of buying my first keyboard. Anyway, I hope things improve for you mate. And remember you have always got the forum to chat with others