Need advice, is my partner ASD?

Hi all, so glad to come across such a supportive community  I really need the advice of an ASD adult! I see many signs in my partner, do you think he is undiagnosed ASD? Does any of this resonate? Help! I’m desperate for answers  thanks so much! 

These are some of the signs I see:

he’s very black and white about things, believes there is a right and wrong way of doing something. And his way is the right way 

he likes structure and routine. He makes plans and can’t be spontaneously, any change in plans makes him panic and kind of shut down and become non responsive 

he gets very unreasonable and acts childish, demanding and like a tantrum, if he is asked to do something he doesn’t want to do. 

he struggles to work as a team and compromising with him is like pulling teeth. 

He likes to work alone, doesn’t do great with coworkers. he’s incredibly detailed and hard working. I’m so proud of his work ethic and how he takes his job seriously and gives 100% very day. He never does things half way of he puts his mind to it 

he isn’t very social, likes people, but is better one on one and in deeper conversations. He hates small-talk and it drains him. Also large groups stress him out and make him uncomfortable, he avoids them as much as he can. He’s absolutely wonderful with people in the right setting. Many people confide him in and consider him to be a close friend.

he struggles to open up about himself to me and and friends, even his best friends. He is a very good listener. His friends don’t seem to know much about him. 

he can be very critical, often seeing the problem in an idea before seeing the good. He gives and vice and his opinion easily but can almost never receive advice. He gets upset when criticized.

he is hyper sensitive. If he is corrected or criticized he gets defensive or angry. He is rarely open to other people’s opinions. This makes it very challenging for me 

he thinks for a long time about things before getting back to me  he’s an internal processor and slow coming to an opinion.

hes very intelligent and was at the top of his class in school  he has musical talent and is an accomplished musician. He has a bachelors and masters degree and was the top on many of his graduate program courses. he’s a good public speaker 

he can be obsessive. He used to obsess about being a the best as a musician and practiced so much he wouldn’t eat or socialize or take a day off. Now he obsessed about his job and has to do it perfectly. He has a very hard time taking a day off and prefers to be productive on weekends instead of rest  

I feel upset and ignored when he would rather be alone than spend a few hours hanging out with me  

hes incredibly loyal, kind, and sweet to me  so loyal, he would never look at another woman. I am everything to him. he has never done one thing in his life to intentionally spite me, but he hurts and upsets me when he is difficult about demanding his way or when he says something thoughtless  

he likes to be at home because it feels like it’s his safe place. He’s rather do the same thing every day than to try new things  he doesn’t like new foods, and doesn’t like to go new places  

sometimes he does small things in a social setting that seem inappropriate like walking away during conversation. Or saying no to people and getting upset when they ask him to do something.  it seems rude 

he’s a stickler for rules, he can’t tell a white lie, he has to be honest even when that frustrates other people

he can be unintentionally blunt. Sometimes I’ll talk about my feeling and he will change the subject instead of responding with an encouragement or acknowledgement of the feelings. He can be empathetic but he also missed emotional cues  

  •  Thank you so much for this honest input. I see it’s been very hard for you to accept your diagnosis because the implications affect so much of your life. I really hope that getting insight will help you and grow your strengths in the years to come! I hope that you will have break through with you depression/anxiety and find health and peace of mind. <3 

    Your advice reminds me I must be very cautious about when to bring this up to him. And to be prepared for the worst if he gets defensive and rejects the idea. After thinking it over and praying, I feel like the best approach is to find myself a mentor or friend whom I can process this with, who will be willing to learn about autism and help me emotionally on the journey. Then I’ll be prepared for his reaction whatever it will be. And I’ll be standing by him as he sorts out next steps. 

  • Hello Kassandra. I am 45 years old and was referred to the mental health team for severe anxiety and depression. I’ve been assessed for almost a year and now I have realised that I am autistic as are both my children who are 23 and 13. 

    This has knocked me for six. I went wanting help for depression only to realise that my whole life has been touched by my condition. 

    I think the fact that I’ve worked this out before the assessment is finished will help me when I get the official outcome, however the waves of emotions and realisations are completely overwhelming and I’m almost in disbelief despite concrete evidence! 

    Be mindful of how he could react as I think my own defensiveness in the past has prevented me from getting diagnoses for myself or my son, as I took it as criticism and would not hear anything I didn’t want to hear. I suppose I needed to figure it out for myself. 

    Good luck

  • Thank you for much for the article, we read it together with my husband and it made him very happy! (And made him miss being in the police force even more, but he misses it a lot anyway Slight smile )

    Sadly my husband was a police officer in Eastern Europe, so unfortunately it's nothing like in the article, but we're really glad that there's a police force where officers can be open about their diagnosis, and can be honest, and not pretend every day.

    It's interesting to hear that you're okay with public speaking! You're awesome!

  • There's an interesting article from the BBC about autistic police officers:https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/disability-43584212

    I am actually OK with public speaking, some autistic people are because it's not as if you have to notice the body language of everyone in the audience or make eye contact in the same way that you are expected to in small groups. And most of the time you can prepare what you are going to say.

  • This is what so many employers don't see - autism can have lots of positives too! Let's hope the world starts to see that someday Slight smile

  • Thank you for your kind words!

    I agree, it's really sad that employers view autism as a barrier. Of course there are certain jobs what would be harder for an autistic person, for example public speaking, but I know a person with ASD who was a teacher, for example, and there are a lot of successful and famous actors and activists, so it's definitely not impossible.

    And honestly, my husband was a really good police officer, and he loved it. (Probably because of his autism) he learned the law easily, therefore he could talk to the lawyers (what are other police officers' nightmare) and his captain, justifying his actions. Now I'm just saying an example of how him being on the autistic spectrum helped him to be even better in his job than some of his neurotypical co-workers. And it would've been really bad if he had to leave his job because of his diagnosis. (He left eventually as we immigrated but that's not my point for now.)

    And that's the case with other people with ASD. They are becoming the best at their chosen fields easily. So there's no way that autism would be a negative thing. Slight smile

    So I'm really looking forward to when the world realises that autistic people are capable of no less than neurotypicals, just a little different. Slight smile And it's definitely true that it would be very boring if we were all the same Slight smile

  • Agree, sounds like he's definitely on or near the spectrum to me.

  • Hi, I’d love to be of help but this is all new to me too! Be open minded ask good questions and read some good books! I would encourage you to take a look at people on YouTube who are autistic themselves, explaining their experience of life and the world. I think straight from their own voice is the most honest and best way to learn. Good luck! 
    x

  • Thank you for your story and for your best wishes! I need them! I feel so happy and relieved to meet another neurotypical female married to an autistic male. I’m not alone in this! I would love to get in touch and hear more of your story if you’re open to that. I really crave some practical pointers on how to understand him and work together. We really struggle with teamwork and decision making and argue a lot. 

  • No problem - I hope everything goes well for you both Slight smile

  • Thank you so much for sharing from your personal experience! I will definitely take it into account that he may need time to think it over and it to be pressured. And that he might not yet be ready to explore this possibility. I want to make sure my motivation is in the right place. That I’m putting his best interest in mine and not just wanting to “sort him out” so that the relationship gets easier and better for me. I really do think he will feel thankful and empowered to know more about himself, but I believe it will take time. 

  • Yes I think there is a sadness is knowing he could have gotten much more help and support in school and growing up. But honestly it would be a relief for me to know for certain where his unusual behavior stems from and how to understand and love him best for who he is. 

  • No problem Slight smile Thanks for sharing your experience.

    It's really sad that autism is still a barrier to certain careers (or work in general) for a lot of people. It's shocking that even your psychiatrist co-worker had such a negative perception of autism.

    Hopefully, the world will eventually realise that autism isn't a negative thing - it just makes us different,and that's positive. The world would be boring if we were all the same Slight smile

    Best wishes to you and your husband.

  • (Sorry for the late reply, for some reason I didn't get a notification)

    We're originally from Eastern Europe, (where he was a police officer) where autism is still viewed as a mental illness, therefore getting an official diagnosis would result discharging. You don't have to disclose the diagnosis with your employer, of course, but if you go to a public psychiatrist, they would probably find it out. Even when we talked on the phone, we had to be careful what we're talking about since the police can and will listen to the officers phone calls (sorry, I'm not a native english speaker, so I don't know the exact term for it, but the point is that if what we were saying was echoing a lot, we knew that someone else is listening too).

    I tried talking to a private psychiatrist who could give the diagnosis without having it public, but she told me if he's a police officer, no way he has autism, and that's it. I was working in a hospital at that time, so I talked to psychiatrists, as a co-worker who asks for help. And they still laughed at me (I got the reply from a very successful psychiatrist: "So that's his charm, right? That he won't talk to you. Probably that's why you married him." what's not only not true, because he talks to me a lot, just not to other people, but really hurt.)

    So what they eventually told me that most of the hospitals and psychiatrists don't diagnose autistic adults, only children. I got to talk to an another co-worker who told me that the only place they do diagnose autistic adults in our country is where he's working. He called them for me, turned out, only one psychiatrist is diagnosing autistic adults, and he couldn't give appointment for that year (it was in June), and he asked to call back in October, so he can see his calendar for the next year, but we immigrated in August.

    He told me he doesn't want to get his diagnosis here, because he's not speaking English that well, also he has a fear that in this new country his work chances would reduce because of that, and he passes as an introverted neurotypical.

    So this is the whole story: him being a police officer wasn't the only reason not getting his diagnosis, but since the full story this long, I didn't think that OP would be interested in reading it, and it's probably not relevant to their situation. Slight smile

  • It sounds like you are married to my husband.... this is my first time on this site and am looking for similar answers...

  • Out of interest, why did being a police officer stop him from disclosing? Is it that they won't recruit autistic people, or is it more a concern about being seen/treated differently by colleagues? Usually, you don't have to disclose your diagnosis to your employer, so he may still be able to get one without informing the police service (it might be worth checking first though - I'm not familiar with their processes).

  • Hi!

    I'm a neurotypical married to a man with ASD. We're together for 3,5 years and he has a lot of the traits you're writing that your partner has. Until about 8 months ago, we both just assumed he has anxiety, and maybe even depression, and he said that his lack of understanding social life comes from that he grew up basically alone. 8 months ago I came across an article what listed a lot of the traits he has as a sign of autism, so I asked him to do an online test. He eventually did, and the results came out as him most likely being on the autistic spectrum.

    He didn't accept it straight away. For a few weeks he was repeating all the time that he's not autistic. But after we did our research together, he slowly started to accept it. He didn't get an official diagnosis as he was a police officer. It's still not easy for him to understand it, as he says he doesn't know what is his personality actually like: he's afraid that all of his personality is autism.

    So if you end up talk about it with him, prepare for he might not want to, as other people say above as well. It will probably take some time for you and for him as well, and it's not always easy!

    Best of luck with it!

  • Hi - welcome to the forum.

    It does sound like he has a lot of similar traits to autistic people - it could be worth asking if he's ever considered that he might be autistic (I saw earlier that someone recommended mentioning that you'd read about it in an article and it sounded very familiar - that sounds like a good approach). Just be prepared that he might not be willing to accept/explore it straightaway - he might need some time to process what you've suggested and consider it all for himself (it took several years from my Mum mentioning it for me to accept that I'm probably autistic). I'm actually hoping to get a diagnosis now, because it'd explain so much about me, and I've realised that I have a lot of great traits that could be attributed to autism too Slight smile

  • I was diagnosed only last summer. There's lots of people on here who have only recently been diagnosed. Because autism wasn't really considered in kids who were doing okay at school until relatively recently, there are a lot of undiagnosed adults.

    Kids who did well academically and didn't show behavioural issues and don't get into trouble were less likely to be spotted. A lot of autistic girls (and some boys) are compliant with adults and try hard to fit in, so they might just look like slightly misfit kids who get bullied. Peers often sense the differences that result from autism better than adults, hence the bullying.

    Being diagnosed as an adult has positives and negatives. For me I'm really glad that I did it and so the positives must outweigh the negatives. But there's an element of feeling let down and a grieving process for the times that I could have been understood better, got more appropriate mental health care, got better support in work and education - life changing things.