Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, so glad to come across such a supportive community I really need the advice of an ASD adult! I see many signs in my partner, do you think he is undiagnosed ASD? Does any of this resonate? Help! I’m desperate for answers thanks so much!
These are some of the signs I see:
he’s very black and white about things, believes there is a right and wrong way of doing something. And his way is the right way
he likes structure and routine. He makes plans and can’t be spontaneously, any change in plans makes him panic and kind of shut down and become non responsive
he gets very unreasonable and acts childish, demanding and like a tantrum, if he is asked to do something he doesn’t want to do.
he struggles to work as a team and compromising with him is like pulling teeth.
He likes to work alone, doesn’t do great with coworkers. he’s incredibly detailed and hard working. I’m so proud of his work ethic and how he takes his job seriously and gives 100% very day. He never does things half way of he puts his mind to it
he isn’t very social, likes people, but is better one on one and in deeper conversations. He hates small-talk and it drains him. Also large groups stress him out and make him uncomfortable, he avoids them as much as he can. He’s absolutely wonderful with people in the right setting. Many people confide him in and consider him to be a close friend.
he struggles to open up about himself to me and and friends, even his best friends. He is a very good listener. His friends don’t seem to know much about him.
he can be very critical, often seeing the problem in an idea before seeing the good. He gives and vice and his opinion easily but can almost never receive advice. He gets upset when criticized.
he is hyper sensitive. If he is corrected or criticized he gets defensive or angry. He is rarely open to other people’s opinions. This makes it very challenging for me
he thinks for a long time about things before getting back to me he’s an internal processor and slow coming to an opinion.
hes very intelligent and was at the top of his class in school he has musical talent and is an accomplished musician. He has a bachelors and masters degree and was the top on many of his graduate program courses. he’s a good public speaker
he can be obsessive. He used to obsess about being a the best as a musician and practiced so much he wouldn’t eat or socialize or take a day off. Now he obsessed about his job and has to do it perfectly. He has a very hard time taking a day off and prefers to be productive on weekends instead of rest
I feel upset and ignored when he would rather be alone than spend a few hours hanging out with me
hes incredibly loyal, kind, and sweet to me so loyal, he would never look at another woman. I am everything to him. he has never done one thing in his life to intentionally spite me, but he hurts and upsets me when he is difficult about demanding his way or when he says something thoughtless
he likes to be at home because it feels like it’s his safe place. He’s rather do the same thing every day than to try new things he doesn’t like new foods, and doesn’t like to go new places
sometimes he does small things in a social setting that seem inappropriate like walking away during conversation. Or saying no to people and getting upset when they ask him to do something. it seems rude
he’s a stickler for rules, he can’t tell a white lie, he has to be honest even when that frustrates other people
he can be unintentionally blunt. Sometimes I’ll talk about my feeling and he will change the subject instead of responding with an encouragement or acknowledgement of the feelings. He can be empathetic but he also missed emotional cues
It does sound like he has quite a lot of traits associated with autism and it might be worth seeking an assessment.
To broach it with him, you could say that you saw an article online about autism in adults and that it sounded quite a lot like him. Make sure to mention a lot of the positives of being autistic (there are plenty, like attention to detail, focus, loyalty). You could also say that you read that people who achieve well academically are more likely to get missed as a child, if you think that would help.
To get a diagnosis he would need to be able to show that he's had some of the difficulties associated with autism since his early childhood, even if he coped okay socially up to a point (in girls it's often ok through primary school and then enormously difficult in secondary school). So he might have to revisit some difficult times and that can be distressing. The path to diagnosis is not necessarily easy, nor is the processing afterwards, whatever the outcome.
Thank you, I think this is a non-threatening way to bring up the topic with him! I really appreciate that you read and thought about my post. I really want to help him get answers and have more self awareness. And I think our relationship would be less strained as well. Knowing ourselves is something we fundamentally strive for as humans. I worry that he will be resistant to revisiting early childhood experience because it wasn’t easy as his parents departed at that time. I must be very kind and supportive. And I’m waiting for the best time to bring it up.
Do you know anyone on the forum who wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood? I wonder what their reaction to this experience was like?
Yes I think there is a sadness is knowing he could have gotten much more help and support in school and growing up. But honestly it would be a relief for me to know for certain where his unusual behavior stems from and how to understand and love him best for who he is.
I was diagnosed only last summer. There's lots of people on here who have only recently been diagnosed. Because autism wasn't really considered in kids who were doing okay at school until relatively recently, there are a lot of undiagnosed adults.
Kids who did well academically and didn't show behavioural issues and don't get into trouble were less likely to be spotted. A lot of autistic girls (and some boys) are compliant with adults and try hard to fit in, so they might just look like slightly misfit kids who get bullied. Peers often sense the differences that result from autism better than adults, hence the bullying.
Being diagnosed as an adult has positives and negatives. For me I'm really glad that I did it and so the positives must outweigh the negatives. But there's an element of feeling let down and a grieving process for the times that I could have been understood better, got more appropriate mental health care, got better support in work and education - life changing things.