Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, so glad to come across such a supportive community I really need the advice of an ASD adult! I see many signs in my partner, do you think he is undiagnosed ASD? Does any of this resonate? Help! I’m desperate for answers thanks so much!
These are some of the signs I see:
he’s very black and white about things, believes there is a right and wrong way of doing something. And his way is the right way
he likes structure and routine. He makes plans and can’t be spontaneously, any change in plans makes him panic and kind of shut down and become non responsive
he gets very unreasonable and acts childish, demanding and like a tantrum, if he is asked to do something he doesn’t want to do.
he struggles to work as a team and compromising with him is like pulling teeth.
He likes to work alone, doesn’t do great with coworkers. he’s incredibly detailed and hard working. I’m so proud of his work ethic and how he takes his job seriously and gives 100% very day. He never does things half way of he puts his mind to it
he isn’t very social, likes people, but is better one on one and in deeper conversations. He hates small-talk and it drains him. Also large groups stress him out and make him uncomfortable, he avoids them as much as he can. He’s absolutely wonderful with people in the right setting. Many people confide him in and consider him to be a close friend.
he struggles to open up about himself to me and and friends, even his best friends. He is a very good listener. His friends don’t seem to know much about him.
he can be very critical, often seeing the problem in an idea before seeing the good. He gives and vice and his opinion easily but can almost never receive advice. He gets upset when criticized.
he is hyper sensitive. If he is corrected or criticized he gets defensive or angry. He is rarely open to other people’s opinions. This makes it very challenging for me
he thinks for a long time about things before getting back to me he’s an internal processor and slow coming to an opinion.
hes very intelligent and was at the top of his class in school he has musical talent and is an accomplished musician. He has a bachelors and masters degree and was the top on many of his graduate program courses. he’s a good public speaker
he can be obsessive. He used to obsess about being a the best as a musician and practiced so much he wouldn’t eat or socialize or take a day off. Now he obsessed about his job and has to do it perfectly. He has a very hard time taking a day off and prefers to be productive on weekends instead of rest
I feel upset and ignored when he would rather be alone than spend a few hours hanging out with me
hes incredibly loyal, kind, and sweet to me so loyal, he would never look at another woman. I am everything to him. he has never done one thing in his life to intentionally spite me, but he hurts and upsets me when he is difficult about demanding his way or when he says something thoughtless
he likes to be at home because it feels like it’s his safe place. He’s rather do the same thing every day than to try new things he doesn’t like new foods, and doesn’t like to go new places
sometimes he does small things in a social setting that seem inappropriate like walking away during conversation. Or saying no to people and getting upset when they ask him to do something. it seems rude
he’s a stickler for rules, he can’t tell a white lie, he has to be honest even when that frustrates other people
he can be unintentionally blunt. Sometimes I’ll talk about my feeling and he will change the subject instead of responding with an encouragement or acknowledgement of the feelings. He can be empathetic but he also missed emotional cues
Thank you, I think this is a non-threatening way to bring up the topic with him! I really appreciate that you read and thought about my post. I really want to help him get answers and have more self awareness. And I think our relationship would be less strained as well. Knowing ourselves is something we fundamentally strive for as humans. I worry that he will be resistant to revisiting early childhood experience because it wasn’t easy as his parents departed at that time. I must be very kind and supportive. And I’m waiting for the best time to bring it up.
Do you know anyone on the forum who wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood? I wonder what their reaction to this experience was like?
It does sound like he has quite a lot of traits associated with autism and it might be worth seeking an assessment.
To broach it with him, you could say that you saw an article online about autism in adults and that it sounded quite a lot like him. Make sure to mention a lot of the positives of being autistic (there are plenty, like attention to detail, focus, loyalty). You could also say that you read that people who achieve well academically are more likely to get missed as a child, if you think that would help.
To get a diagnosis he would need to be able to show that he's had some of the difficulties associated with autism since his early childhood, even if he coped okay socially up to a point (in girls it's often ok through primary school and then enormously difficult in secondary school). So he might have to revisit some difficult times and that can be distressing. The path to diagnosis is not necessarily easy, nor is the processing afterwards, whatever the outcome.
Yes I think if he can gain a better awareness he might improve in those seeming “self centered” traits.
Thank you! And thanks for reading my post.
Thank you so much! I’m overwhelmed by these responses. I felt so alone! I appreciate you have read and thought about my situation. Your advice about self awareness is helpful. He is very sensitive and I’m am afraid to broach the subject with him. He has never talked about it before. At least he recognizes and is aware of these traits within himself. But he hasn’t connected the dots that they could point towards ASD. what do you think would be a gentle and non-“labeling” way to present this idea to him? I need to be gentle bc his deepest fear is rejection.
It sounds like he has a lot of traits, although, it also comes across as though he has a bad attitude and a lack of respect for you, especially in regards to compromising and believing he is always right.
Agree with the above, but perhaps you need to be a bit more certain first about whether your partner recognizes these issues for himself and will be ready to handle the impact of either outcome. And perhaps self-identification pre- or post-assessment (either outcome) might also help. But it looks like you are already looking at this in a constructive manner. Do you think he can do the same? Find out first! It might already have occurred to him, and so may not be such a huge surprise. Self-identification, on its own, often seems to be a step in the right direction. It was in my case. ;-)
Visit your GP and request a waiting list time for autism review