Need advice, is my partner ASD?

Hi all, so glad to come across such a supportive community  I really need the advice of an ASD adult! I see many signs in my partner, do you think he is undiagnosed ASD? Does any of this resonate? Help! I’m desperate for answers  thanks so much! 

These are some of the signs I see:

he’s very black and white about things, believes there is a right and wrong way of doing something. And his way is the right way 

he likes structure and routine. He makes plans and can’t be spontaneously, any change in plans makes him panic and kind of shut down and become non responsive 

he gets very unreasonable and acts childish, demanding and like a tantrum, if he is asked to do something he doesn’t want to do. 

he struggles to work as a team and compromising with him is like pulling teeth. 

He likes to work alone, doesn’t do great with coworkers. he’s incredibly detailed and hard working. I’m so proud of his work ethic and how he takes his job seriously and gives 100% very day. He never does things half way of he puts his mind to it 

he isn’t very social, likes people, but is better one on one and in deeper conversations. He hates small-talk and it drains him. Also large groups stress him out and make him uncomfortable, he avoids them as much as he can. He’s absolutely wonderful with people in the right setting. Many people confide him in and consider him to be a close friend.

he struggles to open up about himself to me and and friends, even his best friends. He is a very good listener. His friends don’t seem to know much about him. 

he can be very critical, often seeing the problem in an idea before seeing the good. He gives and vice and his opinion easily but can almost never receive advice. He gets upset when criticized.

he is hyper sensitive. If he is corrected or criticized he gets defensive or angry. He is rarely open to other people’s opinions. This makes it very challenging for me 

he thinks for a long time about things before getting back to me  he’s an internal processor and slow coming to an opinion.

hes very intelligent and was at the top of his class in school  he has musical talent and is an accomplished musician. He has a bachelors and masters degree and was the top on many of his graduate program courses. he’s a good public speaker 

he can be obsessive. He used to obsess about being a the best as a musician and practiced so much he wouldn’t eat or socialize or take a day off. Now he obsessed about his job and has to do it perfectly. He has a very hard time taking a day off and prefers to be productive on weekends instead of rest  

I feel upset and ignored when he would rather be alone than spend a few hours hanging out with me  

hes incredibly loyal, kind, and sweet to me  so loyal, he would never look at another woman. I am everything to him. he has never done one thing in his life to intentionally spite me, but he hurts and upsets me when he is difficult about demanding his way or when he says something thoughtless  

he likes to be at home because it feels like it’s his safe place. He’s rather do the same thing every day than to try new things  he doesn’t like new foods, and doesn’t like to go new places  

sometimes he does small things in a social setting that seem inappropriate like walking away during conversation. Or saying no to people and getting upset when they ask him to do something.  it seems rude 

he’s a stickler for rules, he can’t tell a white lie, he has to be honest even when that frustrates other people

he can be unintentionally blunt. Sometimes I’ll talk about my feeling and he will change the subject instead of responding with an encouragement or acknowledgement of the feelings. He can be empathetic but he also missed emotional cues  

Parents
  • Hi!

    I'm a neurotypical married to a man with ASD. We're together for 3,5 years and he has a lot of the traits you're writing that your partner has. Until about 8 months ago, we both just assumed he has anxiety, and maybe even depression, and he said that his lack of understanding social life comes from that he grew up basically alone. 8 months ago I came across an article what listed a lot of the traits he has as a sign of autism, so I asked him to do an online test. He eventually did, and the results came out as him most likely being on the autistic spectrum.

    He didn't accept it straight away. For a few weeks he was repeating all the time that he's not autistic. But after we did our research together, he slowly started to accept it. He didn't get an official diagnosis as he was a police officer. It's still not easy for him to understand it, as he says he doesn't know what is his personality actually like: he's afraid that all of his personality is autism.

    So if you end up talk about it with him, prepare for he might not want to, as other people say above as well. It will probably take some time for you and for him as well, and it's not always easy!

    Best of luck with it!

  • Out of interest, why did being a police officer stop him from disclosing? Is it that they won't recruit autistic people, or is it more a concern about being seen/treated differently by colleagues? Usually, you don't have to disclose your diagnosis to your employer, so he may still be able to get one without informing the police service (it might be worth checking first though - I'm not familiar with their processes).

  • (Sorry for the late reply, for some reason I didn't get a notification)

    We're originally from Eastern Europe, (where he was a police officer) where autism is still viewed as a mental illness, therefore getting an official diagnosis would result discharging. You don't have to disclose the diagnosis with your employer, of course, but if you go to a public psychiatrist, they would probably find it out. Even when we talked on the phone, we had to be careful what we're talking about since the police can and will listen to the officers phone calls (sorry, I'm not a native english speaker, so I don't know the exact term for it, but the point is that if what we were saying was echoing a lot, we knew that someone else is listening too).

    I tried talking to a private psychiatrist who could give the diagnosis without having it public, but she told me if he's a police officer, no way he has autism, and that's it. I was working in a hospital at that time, so I talked to psychiatrists, as a co-worker who asks for help. And they still laughed at me (I got the reply from a very successful psychiatrist: "So that's his charm, right? That he won't talk to you. Probably that's why you married him." what's not only not true, because he talks to me a lot, just not to other people, but really hurt.)

    So what they eventually told me that most of the hospitals and psychiatrists don't diagnose autistic adults, only children. I got to talk to an another co-worker who told me that the only place they do diagnose autistic adults in our country is where he's working. He called them for me, turned out, only one psychiatrist is diagnosing autistic adults, and he couldn't give appointment for that year (it was in June), and he asked to call back in October, so he can see his calendar for the next year, but we immigrated in August.

    He told me he doesn't want to get his diagnosis here, because he's not speaking English that well, also he has a fear that in this new country his work chances would reduce because of that, and he passes as an introverted neurotypical.

    So this is the whole story: him being a police officer wasn't the only reason not getting his diagnosis, but since the full story this long, I didn't think that OP would be interested in reading it, and it's probably not relevant to their situation. Slight smile

  • Thank you for much for the article, we read it together with my husband and it made him very happy! (And made him miss being in the police force even more, but he misses it a lot anyway Slight smile )

    Sadly my husband was a police officer in Eastern Europe, so unfortunately it's nothing like in the article, but we're really glad that there's a police force where officers can be open about their diagnosis, and can be honest, and not pretend every day.

    It's interesting to hear that you're okay with public speaking! You're awesome!

  • There's an interesting article from the BBC about autistic police officers:https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/disability-43584212

    I am actually OK with public speaking, some autistic people are because it's not as if you have to notice the body language of everyone in the audience or make eye contact in the same way that you are expected to in small groups. And most of the time you can prepare what you are going to say.

Reply Children
  • Thank you for much for the article, we read it together with my husband and it made him very happy! (And made him miss being in the police force even more, but he misses it a lot anyway Slight smile )

    Sadly my husband was a police officer in Eastern Europe, so unfortunately it's nothing like in the article, but we're really glad that there's a police force where officers can be open about their diagnosis, and can be honest, and not pretend every day.

    It's interesting to hear that you're okay with public speaking! You're awesome!