Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, so glad to come across such a supportive community I really need the advice of an ASD adult! I see many signs in my partner, do you think he is undiagnosed ASD? Does any of this resonate? Help! I’m desperate for answers thanks so much!
These are some of the signs I see:
he’s very black and white about things, believes there is a right and wrong way of doing something. And his way is the right way
he likes structure and routine. He makes plans and can’t be spontaneously, any change in plans makes him panic and kind of shut down and become non responsive
he gets very unreasonable and acts childish, demanding and like a tantrum, if he is asked to do something he doesn’t want to do.
he struggles to work as a team and compromising with him is like pulling teeth.
He likes to work alone, doesn’t do great with coworkers. he’s incredibly detailed and hard working. I’m so proud of his work ethic and how he takes his job seriously and gives 100% very day. He never does things half way of he puts his mind to it
he isn’t very social, likes people, but is better one on one and in deeper conversations. He hates small-talk and it drains him. Also large groups stress him out and make him uncomfortable, he avoids them as much as he can. He’s absolutely wonderful with people in the right setting. Many people confide him in and consider him to be a close friend.
he struggles to open up about himself to me and and friends, even his best friends. He is a very good listener. His friends don’t seem to know much about him.
he can be very critical, often seeing the problem in an idea before seeing the good. He gives and vice and his opinion easily but can almost never receive advice. He gets upset when criticized.
he is hyper sensitive. If he is corrected or criticized he gets defensive or angry. He is rarely open to other people’s opinions. This makes it very challenging for me
he thinks for a long time about things before getting back to me he’s an internal processor and slow coming to an opinion.
hes very intelligent and was at the top of his class in school he has musical talent and is an accomplished musician. He has a bachelors and masters degree and was the top on many of his graduate program courses. he’s a good public speaker
he can be obsessive. He used to obsess about being a the best as a musician and practiced so much he wouldn’t eat or socialize or take a day off. Now he obsessed about his job and has to do it perfectly. He has a very hard time taking a day off and prefers to be productive on weekends instead of rest
I feel upset and ignored when he would rather be alone than spend a few hours hanging out with me
hes incredibly loyal, kind, and sweet to me so loyal, he would never look at another woman. I am everything to him. he has never done one thing in his life to intentionally spite me, but he hurts and upsets me when he is difficult about demanding his way or when he says something thoughtless
he likes to be at home because it feels like it’s his safe place. He’s rather do the same thing every day than to try new things he doesn’t like new foods, and doesn’t like to go new places
sometimes he does small things in a social setting that seem inappropriate like walking away during conversation. Or saying no to people and getting upset when they ask him to do something. it seems rude
he’s a stickler for rules, he can’t tell a white lie, he has to be honest even when that frustrates other people
he can be unintentionally blunt. Sometimes I’ll talk about my feeling and he will change the subject instead of responding with an encouragement or acknowledgement of the feelings. He can be empathetic but he also missed emotional cues
Hi!
I'm a neurotypical married to a man with ASD. We're together for 3,5 years and he has a lot of the traits you're writing that your partner has. Until about 8 months ago, we both just assumed he has anxiety, and maybe even depression, and he said that his lack of understanding social life comes from that he grew up basically alone. 8 months ago I came across an article what listed a lot of the traits he has as a sign of autism, so I asked him to do an online test. He eventually did, and the results came out as him most likely being on the autistic spectrum.
He didn't accept it straight away. For a few weeks he was repeating all the time that he's not autistic. But after we did our research together, he slowly started to accept it. He didn't get an official diagnosis as he was a police officer. It's still not easy for him to understand it, as he says he doesn't know what is his personality actually like: he's afraid that all of his personality is autism.
So if you end up talk about it with him, prepare for he might not want to, as other people say above as well. It will probably take some time for you and for him as well, and it's not always easy!
Best of luck with it!
Thank you for your story and for your best wishes! I need them! I feel so happy and relieved to meet another neurotypical female married to an autistic male. I’m not alone in this! I would love to get in touch and hear more of your story if you’re open to that. I really crave some practical pointers on how to understand him and work together. We really struggle with teamwork and decision making and argue a lot.
Out of interest, why did being a police officer stop him from disclosing? Is it that they won't recruit autistic people, or is it more a concern about being seen/treated differently by colleagues? Usually, you don't have to disclose your diagnosis to your employer, so he may still be able to get one without informing the police service (it might be worth checking first though - I'm not familiar with their processes).