Published on 12, July, 2020
I was talking earlier with someone elsewhere about how it is quite common for Autistic people not to recognise their feelings and it got me thinking! I normally say that my usual 'emotional state' is 'comfortably numb' that is, most of the time, I feel nothing. Right now, sitting here typing this, I feel nothing. I've previously wondered briefly about Alexithymia and I've even done the Alexithymia test online BUT Alexithymia is essentially not recognising one's emotions yet on the rare occasion when I do 'feel' something, I do know what I am feeling at that moment in time, in fact I've always thought that I'm quite good at understanding my own emotions, when I feel them. But the talk I was having earlier made me start to question if it's more that these 'rare occasions' of 'feeling' something are actually more rare occasions of me actually recognising what I am feeling. Am I feeling all of the time and just unaware of it, except on rare occasions? Is it even possible to feel and not be aware of feeling? Perhaps I am just being dumb/naive/overthinking? What are other people's views about this please?
I have 2 emotions: I call them "fizzy" and "still". Like types of water. I find it really hard to identify anything else. The fizzy emotion is a feeling that my brain is fizzy. If its a bad feeling then I'm frustrated, if its a positive feeling then I'm happy. When I'm not fizzing then I'm still, which translates to your "numb". Along with this i experience different amounts of nausea and headache in reaction to things.
Long before I was diagnosed this has always driven people mad. "you're so passive!" "you're so indifferent!" "you're completely repressed!"
I find that emojis help a lot. Even in non written communication I sometimes think of the emoji I might use then try to vocalise it. Then again, I doubt whether anyone I interact with thinks that it's helpful at all.
When 'numb' or 'still' as you put it, do you find yourself wishing you could just feel a bit more? I do. Then when I do feel something It's often intense and I wish I was numb again. Sometimes even when it's a good feeling because it hypes me up too much and then I just feel 'manic' and can't shut my brain off. Sometimes it puts me off bothering to engage in my interests because I almost dread the aftermath of not being able to come down because it's an uncomfortable feeling. To go to your 'fizzy' description it's like I'm a can of coke that has been shaken up and then opened. This is why it's so confusing for me. To say I live my life feeling 'numb' seems to ignore the number of times I'm actually too overwhelmed by a feeling. But then in between those overwhelming feelings, I would say I am numb. So numb that everything around me sometimes becomes so tedious it's painful. I also have severe long-standing depression though so I dunno which is which. Sometimes I'm so disgusted by my own interests that I can't bear to look at anything related to it. I have to really force myself into engaging in my interest to get over my numbness or disgust over it, sometimes I remain disgusted by it or numb other times it gets me out of that and I realise I do still love my interests. When I feel more I want to be numb again because it's too much, and then when I'm numb I want to feel again! It drives me crazy!
I do get what you mean, in as much as on the rare occasion when I actually feel happy, it's not just normal happy, I feel hyper! But it only lasts for a few days then I feel nothing again!
Sometimes I want to feel more and sometimes I'm happy not feeling. I've been aware for a few years that when ever bad things happen, it makes my heart feel a little tighter, but I ignore it and just get on with life. I'm a little scared of what I might find if I start digging around in there. Perhaps it's safer not to feel?