Do I feel without realising that I feel?

I have 2 emotions:  I call them  "fizzy"  and "still".  Like types of water. I find it really hard to identify anything else.   The fizzy emotion is a feeling that my brain is fizzy. If its a bad feeling then I'm frustrated, if its a positive feeling then I'm happy. When I'm not fizzing then I'm still, which translates to your "numb". Along with this i experience different amounts of nausea and headache in reaction to things.

Long before I was diagnosed this has always driven people mad.  "you're so passive!" "you're so indifferent!" "you're completely repressed!"

I find that emojis help a lot. Even in non written communication I sometimes think of the emoji I might use then try to vocalise it. Then again, I doubt whether anyone I interact with thinks that it's helpful at all. 

When 'numb' or 'still' as you put it, do you find yourself wishing you could just feel a bit more? 

I do. 

Then when I do feel something It's often intense and I wish I was numb again. Sometimes even when it's a good feeling because it hypes me up too much and then I just feel 'manic' and can't shut my brain off. Sometimes it puts me off bothering to engage in my interests because I almost dread the aftermath of not being able to come down because it's an uncomfortable feeling. To go to your 'fizzy' description it's like I'm a can of coke that has been shaken up and then opened. 

This is why it's so confusing for me. To say I live my life feeling 'numb' seems to ignore the number of times I'm actually too overwhelmed by a feeling. But then in between those overwhelming feelings, I would say I am numb. 

So numb that everything around me sometimes becomes so tedious it's painful. I also have severe long-standing depression though so I dunno which is which. Sometimes I'm so disgusted by my own interests that I can't bear to look at anything related to it. I have to really force myself into engaging in my interest to get over my numbness or disgust over it, sometimes I remain disgusted by it or numb other times it gets me out of that and I realise I do still love my interests. 

When I feel more I want to be numb again because it's too much, and then when I'm numb I want to feel again! It drives me crazy! 

When 'numb' or 'still' as you put it, do you find yourself wishing you could just feel a bit more? 

I do. 

Then when I do feel something It's often intense and I wish I was numb again. Sometimes even when it's a good feeling because it hypes me up too much and then I just feel 'manic' and can't shut my brain off. Sometimes it puts me off bothering to engage in my interests because I almost dread the aftermath of not being able to come down because it's an uncomfortable feeling. To go to your 'fizzy' description it's like I'm a can of coke that has been shaken up and then opened. 

This is why it's so confusing for me. To say I live my life feeling 'numb' seems to ignore the number of times I'm actually too overwhelmed by a feeling. But then in between those overwhelming feelings, I would say I am numb. 

So numb that everything around me sometimes becomes so tedious it's painful. I also have severe long-standing depression though so I dunno which is which. Sometimes I'm so disgusted by my own interests that I can't bear to look at anything related to it. I have to really force myself into engaging in my interest to get over my numbness or disgust over it, sometimes I remain disgusted by it or numb other times it gets me out of that and I realise I do still love my interests. 

When I feel more I want to be numb again because it's too much, and then when I'm numb I want to feel again! It drives me crazy! 

Such a shame then that you're not allowed another prescription if you're able to prove that you can use it sensibly and are not at risk of becoming addictive. By the time you have another meltdown as bad as the last one I would guess it would takes days before you are able to access another prescription?

Yea. My prescription has lasted me a year Due to me being very strict on sticking to the rule of taking only when needed. Or rather only when absolutely needed as a very last resort. 

I've always been lucky enough that the GP lets me have a packet of 28 5mg diazepam to use PRN. Usually 28 lasts me a year or so, in fact the packet that I had before this one lasted me over two years as I only use them very occasionally. I think due to my profession I'm able to convince them that yes I do know what benzodiazepine addiction looks like and no I'm not about to go down that route. It really does help in times of very high anxiety!

Diazepam! It’s the only med that has ever worked to calm me down in those moments. But i’ve Been told my prescription was a one off and I won’t be getting any more unless I have another meltdown as bad as the one that got me prescribed them! I know they can be addictive. I tried explaining that I only ever use it as a very last resort thing. I’m tired of intense emotions. I’m currently in the ‘wishing I was numb’ phase 

I find that it takes me a while to work out what to do about intense emotions, for example, I was really stressed over and since the weekend yet it took me until today to figure out that taking a PRN diazepam (or two) to get my anxiety levels down might actually help. I tend to mentally flap around for a few days before I figure out what I need to do to help myself!

I think I also feel things too intensely. Either that, or I am not as good at processing intense emotions as other people typically are.

I kind of prefer to not be feeling intense emotions - even feeling too happy makes me feel uncomfortable as it comes with being hyper which makes concentrating on anything so difficult. But then again, when I feel numb it tends to be times when I'm too overwhelmed with emotions and the numbness feels like the calm before the storm when I have to somehow deal with all the intense feelings, so I dislike feeling numb as well.

I feel things way too intensely. People tell me that’s not true and I just *think* I feel more intensely than ‘normal’ but how can they know if they’re not in my head? 

Although i’m Numb in between intense feelings, I can cycle through intense emotions throughout a day. 

Yesterday I went from hyper to obsessing over the idea that someone I know might be suffering and obsessing over it till I felt I couldn’t cope with life. 

I’ve tried taking up Stoicism, the philosophy. And i’ve read accounts of people with Asperger claiming stoicism as a philosophy came very natural to them. 

I cant understand that. Maybe that’s because I’m ‘level 2’ autism I don’t know. I wish I could use the stoic philosophy practically but it seems i’m Just not wired that way. I can’t be ‘indifferent’ to external things that in the grand scheme of thing don’t matter. But I certainly could pass visibly as being ‘stoic’ in terms of facial expressions.

'When' I feel it does tend to be intense. Though I prefer to keep things even and most of the time I can achieve this. I don't tend to show emotion easily. Regardless of whether I'm numb, happy or sad, I tend to 'present' as quite flat. Calm on the surface, but sometimes bubbling away underneath.

I really could not handle emotions that fluctuated between high and low several times a day! Far. too. exhausting!!! When I do feel something, then one emotion a day is quite enough, one a month is even better! Why on earth would any man want someone to throw plates at their head to prove that they loved them?!

Extremes of emotion can frighten me, it depends on the context and the situation and who it is. I will put my hands up and admit to being rubbish at empathy though!  

I relate to this.. I'm not that interested in being more emotional or having normal emotions. Emotional feels unsafe, unemotional feels safe. If I was normal I maybe wouldn't view it that way, but I'll never know... 

Wow, interesting. I am intrigued to know whether others feel intense emotions, and whether you are OK with that. I am really not. I like "maintaining an even strain" .... too much emotion (mine or from others) makes me deeply uncomfortable. I think that has in the past caused people to think that I was cold or repressed as well.

One of the most disastrous relationships that I ever had was with a French guy. He thrived on high drama and I think would have been quite happy to see-saw between euphoria and black depression several times per day. He also felt that because I didn't shout, yell, cry or throw plates at his head, I clearly didn't love him (he even said that once). I on the other hand would have found that level of intensity quite scary.

Extremes of emotion actually frighten me. This is probably a large part of why I am viewed as having pretty much zero empathy. I can probably do sympathy better than empathy, but basically if there is extreme emotion involved I will go quiet and withdraw completely, because basically I am like a rabbit in the headlights at that point and have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to do. There are no stored parameters for those kind of extremes, so mostly I will just remove myself from the situation as soon as I can .... which is inevitably seen as a total lack of empathy. The reality is I have no idea how to deal with those kind of situations, so better to leave than make it worse (and prolong my discomfort). 

Anyone else relate? I'd be fascinated to know.....

I do get what you mean, in as much as on the rare occasion when I actually feel happy, it's not just normal happy, I feel hyper! But it only lasts for a few days then I feel nothing again!

Sometimes I want to feel more and sometimes I'm happy not feeling. I've been aware for a few years that when ever bad things happen, it makes my heart feel a little tighter, but I ignore it and just get on with life. I'm a little scared of what I might find if I start digging around in there. Perhaps it's safer not to feel?

Hi

interesting question, and so far it's a no, but maybe because I haven't been diagnosed so long. With emotions, I don't know what I am missing and I'm just used to being myself. I hope I never find out what I am missing, as I'm sure I would end up hugely depressed. 

If I am frustrated or anxious and not at work I clean like mad, lol.   If I feel just "meh" like I do most days I go for a walk or bike ride. I suppose I experience happiness when i feel creative, like music, drawing or baking.

You make a great point about the tedium. I experience that in the evenings when (out of exhaustion) I don't plan anything , then find like you say it's painfully tedious. 

Sometimes I get short of breath or have to say "AAARGH" out loud because I get a build up of physical self loathing and fizziness that I can't contain in my body.