Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone. I am new to the group and realised at the beginning of the year that my husband is autistic.
We have been married for 7 years now. At the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t see anything wrong, but as the years have progressed I realise now that all the signs were there. His son is autistic and I believe his brother is too.
My husband is loving, kind and demonstrative but life can be very hard. He needs to stick to very strict rules. He lives in constant fear that he is breaking rules, offending someone or letting people down, he thinks the worst is going to happen in every conceivable situation - the dogs will get lost on every walk we take them on or kill a sheep(they have never shown any inclination to do this). I will be killed or burgled if I’m on my own in the house at night etc etc. For every positive situation he has a negative spin on it -“oh you mustn’t do that -such and such could happen”. He doesn’t have a diagnosis and completely refutes that anything is wrong with him but I am reaching the end of my tether!
A lovely walk in the country was spoilt recently. I enjoy admiring gardens and houses in the road we live in but he won’t even slow down to admire a beautiful tree or rose bush as he fears someone may think he’s a burglar sizing up the property if he stops.
I am extremely tolerant -made easier now being on anti depressants but I wonder if this is what my life is now. One filled with the anxiety, stress and fear That my husband projects?
Can anyone offer any help advice or support? Perhaps you are in a similar situation? Many thanks.
i am very similar to ur husband ! get some other friends to go on walks etc he wont mind. once u have kids they will change him and u. As he grew up he may have had to constantly protect and advise his brother and he just hasnt stopped.
I think either you ask him to get a diagnosis with a view to getting more help with his behaviour OR ask him to attend marriage counseling so that u can communicate what you have just mentioned in your introduction.
Have you said to him " I think you are autistic yourself" I wish someone had said that to me :). Maybe he doesnt realise he is ,,, an autistic sees the world completely differently
does he have friends ? someone needs to say stop please its ok ... in my head i worry about all types of stuff but with meditation ( where u watch ur thoughts ) i realised i can reduce the negative thoughts then ignore them.
U are so correct he needs help.
aidie said:I think either you ask him to get a diagnosis with a view to getting more help with his behaviour OR ask him to attend marriage counseling so that u can communicate what you have just mentioned in your introduction.
Not sure that will work - if he's locked into a set of behaviours that he's boiled down as sensible and logical, a marriage counsellor will just annoy him - in his view, he's right, everyone else is indulging in risky behaviours.
Thank you so much everyone. You are so helpful in helping me to see what could be going on in his head. We are in our late 50's Aidie and my current husband is my second, I am his third wife. I have discussed the possibility of him having ASD but he won't listen. He said - everyone is on the autistic spectrum. He doesn't have any close friends and doesn't feel the need to speak to his son or brother who are the last remaining close relatives he has. Where does this fear come from though, when for example no one has ever accused him of being a burglar, or a liar before? I don't believe marriage counselling would work as Plastic says. He is very good at saying what he thinks people want to hear, and he doesn't have any insight into his own behaviour. On another note, and i really do feel guilty for talking about him like this, but I am trying to understand, my husband takes on phrases and accents from people. Sometimes it seems all he says is cliche after cliche - e.g I'm going to 'crack on' 'get my head down' and everything will be 'ticketyboo'. When he is at work he adopts a cockney accent and at other times he has a northern accent. He was born in the south of England. Can anyone relate to this?
Yes, when I’m driving, sometimes for a minute or more without realising until my passenger (or initially my driving instructor) points it out.
Suffice it to say, I had very little interest in learning to drive, struggled with the coordination of it, always got confused which way to turn the steering wheel when reversing, and took 3 attempts to pass. Still can’t reverse park and had to wait for a test where they didn’t examine that manoeuvre. Now I’m away from my parents, no one forces me to drive, so when I have been well enough to work, I’ve either worked from home or lived within walking distance of the office or train station. Never owned a car and never plan to. Rant over.
*And breathe...*
There's a big component of people not wanting to be 'labelled' as well.
For me it's like denying you might be diabetic, even though you show the symptoms... daft.
Knowing I am actually different to the majority has been very freeing for me, though I prefer to refer to myself as 'neuro-atypical' as it feels less 'label-y' than 'Autistic'...
You have to talk about how he is behaving and that it is causing your relationship difficulties - he may not accept it, but you have to try. Self-awareness is a difficulty with some autistic people, its taken me decades to become more aware of myself, and my partner has helped with this in more recent years. Try to talk in a sensitive way, and be prepared that it may take a long time to help him become more aware, and there is the possibility he may never change. Im struggling to change, but I've made a bit of progress and I just have to keep working on things.
I suffer from paranoid or suspicious thoughts/feelings, and take a low dose of an anti-psychotic (Rispiridone) which helps a bit, and is quite commonly used with autistic people who have troubled thoughts. Its happened all my life, so I haven't known anything else - it can feel you are meant to suffer, or that you are preparing yourself for the worst. I've turned to self-help CBT books as I know my thinking is irrational, and troubling thoughts rattle through my brain all the time, so I have to work on it.
I find myself holding my breath for a bit (and end up having a deep breath after) - usually because I'm stressed or hyper-focussed on thoughts or something I'm doing - its happening as I type this. Not sure if its autism-specific though.
somettimes I will hold my breath so I am more still when working on something where I need to be careful. I dont know what I do at night :) Let see if anyone else replies.
I am having a chat with my husband tonight - he has suggested it. I asked him earlier if he agrees that he thinks different to the majority of people, but he doesn't accept it - or won't. He just thinks I am being difficult.
Can I ask if anyone else has experienced holding your breath when concentrating? If DH is doing anything - usually physical like cleaning the floor or painting for example, he will hold his breath for about 10 seconds as he does it. He also holds his breath when he is asleep. It's not sleep apnea as he takes in a deep breath before holding it. It isn't caused by an obstruction. He will hold his breath for about 20 seconds during the night, on and off about 10 - 20 times each night.
its what helped me go for it :) It's also comes form a great wee website/charity.