Married to a man with autism

i am very similar to ur husband !  get some other friends to go on walks etc he wont mind.  once u have kids they will change him and u. As he grew up he may have had to constantly protect and advise his brother and he just hasnt stopped.

I think either you ask him to get a diagnosis with a view to getting more help with his behaviour OR ask him to attend marriage counseling so that u can communicate what you have just mentioned in your introduction.

Have you said to him " I think you are autistic yourself" I wish someone had said that to me :). Maybe he doesnt realise he is ,,,  an autistic sees the world completely differently 

does he have friends ? someone needs to say stop please its ok ... in my head  i worry about all types of stuff but with meditation ( where u watch ur thoughts ) i realised i can  reduce the negative thoughts then ignore them. 

U are so correct he needs help.

aidie said:

I think either you ask him to get a diagnosis with a view to getting more help with his behaviour OR ask him to attend marriage counseling so that u can communicate what you have just mentioned in your introduction.

Not sure that will work - if he's locked into a set of behaviours that he's boiled down as sensible and logical, a marriage counsellor will just annoy him - in his view, he's right, everyone else is indulging in risky behaviours.

aidie said:

I think either you ask him to get a diagnosis with a view to getting more help with his behaviour OR ask him to attend marriage counseling so that u can communicate what you have just mentioned in your introduction.

Not sure that will work - if he's locked into a set of behaviours that he's boiled down as sensible and logical, a marriage counsellor will just annoy him - in his view, he's right, everyone else is indulging in risky behaviours.

Yes, when I’m driving, sometimes for a minute or more without realising until my passenger (or initially my driving instructor) points it out.

Suffice it to say, I had very little interest in learning to drive, struggled with the coordination of it, always got confused which way to turn the steering wheel when reversing, and took 3 attempts to pass. Still can’t reverse park and had to wait for a test where they didn’t examine that manoeuvre. Now I’m away from my parents, no one forces me to drive, so when I have been well enough to work, I’ve either worked from home or lived within walking distance of the office or train station. Never owned a car and never plan to. Rant over.

*And breathe...*

There's a big component of people not wanting to be 'labelled' as well.

For me it's like denying you might be diabetic, even though you show the symptoms... daft.

Knowing I am actually different to the majority has been very freeing for me, though I prefer to refer to myself as 'neuro-atypical' as it feels less 'label-y' than 'Autistic'...

You have to talk about how he is behaving and that it is causing your relationship difficulties - he may not accept it, but you have to try.  Self-awareness is a difficulty with some autistic people, its taken me decades to become more aware of myself, and my partner has helped with this in more recent years.  Try to talk in a sensitive way, and be prepared that it may take a long time to help him become more aware, and there is the possibility he may never change.  Im struggling to change, but I've made a bit of progress and I just have to keep working on things.

I suffer from paranoid or suspicious thoughts/feelings, and take a low dose of an anti-psychotic (Rispiridone) which helps a bit, and is quite commonly used with autistic people who have troubled thoughts.  Its happened all my life, so I haven't known anything else - it can feel you are meant to suffer, or that you are preparing yourself for the worst.  I've turned to self-help CBT books as I know my thinking is irrational, and troubling thoughts rattle through my brain all the time, so I have to work on it.

I find myself holding my breath for a bit (and end up having a deep breath after) - usually because I'm stressed or hyper-focussed on thoughts or something I'm doing - its happening as I type this.  Not sure if its autism-specific though.

somettimes I will hold my breath so I am more still when working on something where I need to be careful.  I dont know what I do at night :)  Let see if anyone else replies.

I am having a chat with my husband tonight - he has suggested it. I asked him earlier if he agrees that he thinks different to the majority of people, but he doesn't accept it - or won't. He just thinks I am being difficult.

Can I ask if anyone else has experienced holding your breath when concentrating? If DH is doing anything - usually physical like cleaning the floor or painting for example, he will hold his breath for about 10 seconds as he does it. He also holds his breath when he is asleep. It's not sleep apnea as he takes in a deep breath before holding it. It isn't caused by an obstruction. He will hold his breath for about 20 seconds during the night, on and off about 10 - 20 times each night.

its what helped me go for it :) It's also comes form a great wee website/charity.  

Love that flowchart; swap "girl" for "man" and "13 months" for "19 months", add in another box as I had two appointments, and that was my journey too!

being clumsy is yet another trait of ASD ! it a classic trait.  I am not clumsy.

I didnt  know until 2 months ago I had ASD.  My mum never knew because she has ASD ( undiagnosed )!

It was complete shock to me. I am about same age as you !  2 degrees  and been in the army but terrible at interviews ( another ASD trait )

 Everything suddenly made sense.  Events in past came forward and replayed themselves with new meaning. I dealt with my anxiety in past by drinking loads. I no longer drink alcohol.

Not every knows the symptoms of autism and it would take some nerve to say I think U R autistic. I now know them in great detail and can spot people all around me in IT. 

UR hubby is , to me, a very clear case. 

Parents with autistic children will be able to confirm everything I say. I found them to be completely sympathetic and heroic bunch. So if you meet some, talk to them, they will help you.

By the way every day I now have to double check (check > leave  > come back >check again !)  my car  is locked. I am fighting this because it a new addition in last few months !   this is repetitive behaviour  a trait common to OCD and Autism.

https://thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/2014/05/18/getting-asd-diagnosis-adult-uk/

married to someone with autism. said:

OCD in particular. He has to check the doors are locked a few times before we go out anywhere and that the dogs haven't got access to anything that will kill them!

I don't know the prevailing medical thinking here but can certainly recognise this sort of behaviour in myself, and wonder if ASD itself drives OCD-like behaviour sometimes. I don't think I'd get a diagnosis of OCD because the obsession/compulsion isn't strong enough - but it is potentially part of what Plastic has referred to as "no action = no stress" - kind of. So I have broken door handles before now because I've checked them too hard / too often, positioned tins of paint  carefully towards the backs of shelves so that they can't leap off during the night, and gone back to examine time and time again imagined or real faults on cars, motorbikes and other tech equipment. It boils down, I think, to "life is OK at the moment, let nothing go wrong". I've heard it said that Asperger strategy starts from "make no worse" when confronting a problem. I'm not explaining this very well but it's something to do with a need for calmness, certainty and control.

married to someone with autism. said:

Do you think it is possible that he doesn't know he has ASD, or at the very least that something isn't right with him?

Yes, I think this is a possibility. I'm convinced that my dad has ASD but he doesn't seem to process the suggestion. "Rigid thinking" is a feature of ASD that is very difficult to appreciate from the inside (as a persion *with* ASD) - how could I possibly need to think differently when I'm right? So this may be acting as a barrier, and conspiring with the ubiquitous psychological defence mechanisms that make acceptance of a previously unknown and significant truth difficult.

@Aidie. Thank you so much for all your help. It is so lovely to finally be speaking to people who understand. I feel that DH definitely has other mental health issues - OCD in particular. He has to check the doors are locked a few times before we go out anywhere and that the dogs haven't got access to anything that will kill them! His past marriages and relationships have lasted on average for 10 years. His first was shorter than that.Do you think it is possible that he doesn't know he has ASD, or at the very least that something isn't right with him? When I brought it up, he said that no one had ever mentioned anything to him before - even when his son was diagnosed as autistic at the age of 3. Could he really not know?

He is also very clumsy and doesn't seem to have a clear idea of where his own body begins and ends. He is constantly banging into things, tripping over, crashing his head against walls and ceilings and garage doors! He is also very heavy footed - you can hear him walking around the bedroom from outside sometimes. I read on another forum that that is quite a common symptom of ACD as he needs to know that he is secure in his own space. Do you have any experience of this?

yes my mum did that. It is actually a very brilliant and useful skill. She could blend in really quickly anywhere.  But i know how it feels for you. it is really weird to see someone do that I remember thinkin' "who is my mum really ?" .

me too. I didnt feel the need to talk to my relatives ----- i know this now to be a very big mistake they are the ones who grew up with me covered for my mum where actually helping me etc etc  I am trying to improve these relationships now but it is still difficult. 

"He is very good at saying what he thinks people want to hear",,,,,, again a really good skill my mum had she could talk her self into anywhere she wanted. It is used and trained into many successful business men because it works.  It wouldn't work on me.

you are in a very sticky position. 

I think u may have to tolerate him as he is. His track record, everything u have said, says to me he is on the spectrum and at a higher level than me. He may have other mental issues growing as well. 

I am trying to think of a way to move his thinking but as Plastic says he has a very set way.  

can u do one thing ? - start/keep in contact with his son   -  i mean on regular basis and update him on how is son is doing. If his son is asking about his dad pass that to him. use social media eg facebook / text whatever. It helps crack the bubble he has created.  

everyone is not on the spectrum and he knows that.

how long was each of his previous marriages ?

I am worried that suggesting radical things to punch through the bubble may not be wise for your marriage. We can leave them to bit later.

I am changing, so there are ways, but it is me who wants to change me from within. 

Maybe I should..... 

@Plastic Thank you! You explain everything so well and you have so much insight and understanding. Do you write books on ASD?

Have you heard of masking?    It's where we are unable to work out what the hell is going on as we grow up and our gauche behaviour gets us bullied - so we adopt a mask to fit in and appear to be like everyone else.    Some of us are really good at this and manage to pass as 'normal' most of the time.

As time goes by, we rely on this mask to get us through difficult situations - it works well and it becomes 'us'.

Unfortunately, as more time goes by, life becomes even more complex, the mask cannot grow and our inner autie starts to pop out around the edges and we start to look odd again - our mask is now not compatible with our life but as we've relied upon it for so long, we find change difficult to accept - and the fact it's worked so well for so long and we've not changed, it *must* be everyone else changing causing problems.   We get locked into persevering with our view because we *know* we're right.

This is normally the point where relationships break down or we burn out and can't fathom out the world again.

The adoption of odd accents is him desperately trying to fit in - but eventually, the conglomeration of incompatible facets makes us look even more odd.   Mask failure....

Thank you so much everyone. You are so helpful in helping me to see what could be going on in his head. We are in our late 50's Aidie and my current husband is my second, I am his third wife. I have discussed the possibility of him having ASD but he won't listen. He said - everyone is on the autistic spectrum. He doesn't have any close friends and doesn't feel the need to speak to his son or brother who are the last remaining close relatives he has. Where does this fear come from though, when for example no one has ever accused him of being a burglar, or a liar before? I don't believe marriage counselling would work as Plastic says. He is very good at saying what he thinks people want to hear, and he doesn't have any insight into his own behaviour. On another note, and i really do feel guilty for talking about him like this, but I am trying to understand, my husband takes on phrases and accents from people. Sometimes it seems all he says is cliche after cliche - e.g I'm going to 'crack on' 'get my head down' and everything will be 'ticketyboo'. When he is at work he adopts a cockney accent and at other times he has a northern accent. He was born in the south of England. Can anyone relate to this?