Published on 12, July, 2020
In protest against the neglect and discrimination society shows me I'm growing a long beard.
My story is not an uncommon one in some respects. As a child I was emotionally abused by my father and I had nowhere else to go. Due to my Autism I was, of course, in a more difficult position than some would be. In the culmination to years of being controlled and emotionally terrorised, I was chased out of my parents' house by my dad who had a knife in his hand and was screaming at me.
Years later I live alone in a flat but cannot get a support worker, despite repeat requests to GPs. I've attempted to arrange for a support worker to work for me, in a self-employed basis, (for which I'd pay all the funds directly myself) through my own advertisements I've placed but can't find anyone that way either.
I can't cope doing things on my own and have told professionals this many times. I've been in 4 psychiatric wards, detained against my will. Now I'm 32, no friends in my local area, no prospects.
My beard is already longer than it's ever been after 2 weeks of unshaven growth. I'm not going to be trimming it so will let it grow out naturally and freely.
Brilliant idea. If I put them onto MP3 on my phone I can do them on a train or somewhere else where I'm stressed out.
yep that is all good,,, that is how I started and I return to guided mediation when I get it wrong. I have stripped the audio from the youtube videos I like on to mp3 files.This allows me to use them on an MP3 player. I have them sorted by time length eg 5 10 15 30 minutes long so I can fit them in where I can. Ideally do ur meditation once a day. I do breathing and mantra meditation.
He isn't physically violent anymore, just rude and nasty at times.
I'm not sure whether his ex-wife needed skin grafts.
I don't like ear plugs as they tend to fall out but I will try headphones in the future.
Well the thing with my dad in part may be that he's from the generation that grew up during the 2nd World War years so they were all on rationing and the culture then was very standardized and conformist. Everyone was told what to do by the government and for the kids, they must have picked up that you all did the same thing, to an extent. So I think that's part of why he's so mainstream in all his interests, like he loves all sports but is cynical about almost anything alternative to traditional British culture, whether it's yoga or vegetarianism, or homosexuality or Indian food.
Thanks, I will reply tomorrow when child free! Have you tried ear plugs/headphones to block out the noise that your dad makes? Is he ASD too?
You're an adult, it's up to you what interests you keep!
It does seem quite mean to throw out your half brother. Throwing a kettle of boiling water over someone is very dangerous, ws she seriously hurt? I'm guessing she had sever burns and needed skin grafts etc?
That's bad to hit you and chase you around the house with a knife! Is he still aggressive now?
That's an interesting job. It must be nice to be allowed one's own space.
The meditation I do is one from a YouTube channel. The woman tells me to close my eyes and I have to breathe a certain way for a while, then just focus on the breathing, but breathe naturally. Then focus on sounds around me, internally in my body and externally in the environment. She encourages the listener to let go of all worries and says meditation is about restarting over and over again.
i have 2 main pair
1 one is a set of ear defenders with a build in radio. These are designed for ppl workin with high noise machines ------ they are good at cutting down all noise but hard to wear over long periods --- but u get used ti them -- so i listen to the radio on them. I take these home so i can use them when cutting the garden etc....
2 are studio headphones ( over ear closed back ) which I plug into my PC and listen to white noise and music at same time. They cut out a lot of chatter noise.
what sort of meditation do you do ?
I work as a software tester so I hunt for bugs in software
What kind of work do you do? Do you listen to music on those headphones, or are they just on, but not on, if you get what I mean?
I sometimes do meditation myself, usually at the behest of my mother and older sister.
me ... .. . .. .. . I have come out of anxiety and intermittent depression which is a relief. I use meditation to get more control over my thoughts.
My diagnosis as ASD helped me focus on what I need to improve. Finally several good pairs of headphones fixed 90% of sound issues at work . The only way is up . Hope you get a swap :)
Thanks, I PMed you.
My dad is very loud and intrusive. He will bang doors frequently, stamp on the floor, move around a lot, come up to people randomly and start talking AT them, not with them, and also demand full attention and interest, and exactly the response he wants. Controlling.
Also judges me for my interests, and doesn't accept me as I am.
He threw out my half-brother for being gay some years ago, and granted, people were more homophobic in the 1980s but I still think that says something about his character to have done that. Also that he threw a kettle of boiling water over an ex-wife, who, granted, was manipulative and cruel to him, but nevertheless that's quite extreme.
He hit me when I stopped going to school. I also saw him hit my mum once and she claims he never did, she also claims she has no memory of him chasing me out of the house with a knife. It's a mad world!
I've never read a Pullman though I easily might have. As a child I had a psychologist who would recommend me books to read and lend me them. He mentioned he had read The Dark Materials trilogy, though never asked me to read it.
Good luck with getting things to smooth out at work.
Lol, to be honest, Im having a few probs at work at the mo and so my books have taken a bit of a back seat, really I should prioritse some reading time as it is a really good way to escape my anxiety.
I like all sorts of books though depending on my head space I tend to read a lot of young adult books when I'm stressed, I like the Philip Pullman 'La Belle Sauvage series, The book of dust is probably the best known and the first in the series, Its fantasy fiction, good old escapism
Thank you. Have you been reading anything good lately? (I noticed your name.)
I feel sad. However, for now I'm safe. I'm keeping to myself.
I wait in hope that soon on the homeswapper website a good swap will come up, so I can move to somewhere better.
How are you?
Yea nobody here will reject you, with or without facial hair, keep coming back..
Hope your family situation improves.
r u ok roswell ?
I’m really sorry that things are so bad for you right now! What is your father doing? Is there anyone that you can talk with about all of this? I’ll be up for the next 30-40 minutes so feel free to PM me.
I haven’t rejected you either! Just sent you a PM.
i dont know - u are very angry but its better out than in i guess
The misery in my life IS SO PRESENT tonight. My father is being a NASTY PIECE OF WORK at my parents' house where I'm staying. At my flat my neighbour is a NASTY PIECE OF WORK too. THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO. I'm being PUSHED TO THE EDGE. I've been emotionally abused and not fed properly in MENTAL HOSPITALS, those are not a safe haven. I've occasionally slept out for the night to escape, and struggled IN THE COLD.
HOW MANY TIMES CAN A MAN TURN HIS HEAD AND PRETEND THAT HE JUST DOESN'T SEE? THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND, IS BLOWING IN THE WIND.
Give it a few days.