Exposure Anxiety: How complex are your social masks?

I'm 50 now and spent my life being 'someone else' to cope with social demands of having to go to work, school etc.  I did enjoy some of my life through these alters but I was younger then (and much younger emotionally and didn't even know I had autism) it was like a game. If they didn't see the real me it wasn't me they were bullying if the bullying started again elsewhere I just moved and switched alters again.

I moved alot especially if one alter had to stay up front for several years eg to complete a 2-3 yr course afterwards I'd move away or back home so I could 'switch' to relieve the pressure. All the masking did result in a 'mental breakdown' when I got my diagnosis in my late 20's. I never fully recovered the social skills I'd acquired before that happened or the will to take part in and enjoy life with others.

I've struggled with it as an adult as due to my last alter's medical situation being incredibly complicated I can't just up and move as I've been unable to work for years so stuck in social housing and on benefits. My last alter was the one who was originally assessed for them and still believes they have the same level of disability now as they had originally so they're the one that has to appear if benefits reviews are needed.

Not being able to move and leave that alter behind completely is causing a lot of mental stress! I find myself constantly hoping for a lottery win or large inheritance to come my way so I could buy (or at least rent) another house somewhere else to start again. Reading Donna Williams blog where she discusses her 'system' with another person who has both autism and DID I believe I possibly have both.  I have an official diagnosis of Autism but not DID as my mother many years ago told me to keep my 'imaginery friends' (ie the alters) and 'own world' a secret as people wouldn't understand and I was already enduring severe bullying at school.  As she then passed away I always kept it a secret to honor her so when I was saw the psychiatrist for the autism diagnosis I never mentioned 'having alters/masks'.  I was always scared I had a mental illness and would be locked up if anyone found out so was relieved that autism was the only thing they originally came up with (which I was told had no cure and no medication needed for it!).

I'm also going through the peri-menopause which isn't helping as again my autistic side/fears/ phobias's etc seem to have come back as intensely as they were in childhood. so my current alter is 'very autistic' and 'reclusive', shut down last alters social media account and everything and don't go out socially at all.  If I have to deal with anyone one of the 'social mask alters ' kicks in just while I deal with whatever needs to be dealt with.

I guess some of it must be DID then?  (or something like Avoidant Personality Disorder?) if this is not  even 'normal for autistics' to have so many 'masks' with no desire for social or physical contact??? 

Oh sorry I didn't see this before posting my reply. Yep! Sounds like what you are doing is slightly insane in a cool and interesting way. No way would I bother being socially able if I could be as imaginative as you! Do you enjoy it? 

WELL, apparently I'm really good at masking, but I've done it for so long that it doesn't actually feel like I'm masking at all. The best comparison is like wearing a light foundation. It's not really a full mask, I'm still quite eccentric and I'm more or less myself but I've learned the social skills to shut up if people aren't interested anymore. I feel like I have worn a slightly more opaque mask in the past and that worked actually less well socially because the fact that I was trying to hide made me withdrawn and therefore I couldn't form connections with people. I guess one thing that has changed is that I'm a little bit older now. As a teenager I used to get negative reactions from people for being myself but in the grownup world I feel generally accepted. 

wow thanks for the answers, it's not quite what I meant so I'm thinking it must be something different and mine is more DID with proper 'alters'.

My coping strategy is dissociating from anything I can't cope with or don't like. (though not consciously I just switch mask/alter). Being Avoidant is another technique so probably for me 'letting people assume I was deaf and unable to speak' got me out of any presentations or having to answer the phone. (I would do a presentation in sign if they got me an interpreter to speak what  signed and I'd sign the whole thing) and other students kind of thought it was cool as having interpreters in class lectures was a very new thing when I was at at college and lectures. Everybody wanted to learn to sign!  I was just happy to be the 'cool kid' rather than the 'weird one' that everyone made fun of so that alter served its purpose for that period of my life.

You all seem more socially able too mentioning partners (and I suspect some of kids) Physical contact is another big phobia thing for me so I was never able to cope with a relationship where I'd be expected to sleep with the person every night. Babies and kids screaming trigger a 'rage' reaction to the noise (possibly phonophobia due to extreme sound sensitivity) so I can't be around young babies/kids in case they start screaming.

I don't have any friends as 'myself' my alters made friends though I've lost contact with most as I tended to move when my main alter who dealt with daily life switched. My difficulty too is like if someone from uni found me and wanted to meet up again I'd really struggle, not because I didn't like them (I don' actually remember most of them) but to me, they were *alters name* friend and I know they still think 'i' am still that 'deaf student' they met 20 odd years ago and I'm not and can't relate to them at all now!   (I've been through another 4 alters since then)

I ended up leaving social media for the same reasons at first I just used a chat room name (not this one..I make a different name and different email address for every different forum account- different alters have their own personalities and individual personal details for forums)  but everybody gets obsessed with meet-ups and I really struggle and don't even like video chat. It started to feel too intrusive so I closed the account and left.

I guess I was just wondering if ALL my issues were down to Autism or whether some of them were due to other conditions on top? (such as DID or Avoidant Personality Disorder or something) Been a stickler for minute detail I'm trying to work out where one starts and the other ends kind of thing!

I think as well, you can have different masks for different aspects of AS. At wotk it's mostly sensory with a bit of social. When with my partner's social group it's probably more of a social mask with a smaller sensory one. When things happen which I don't expect to happen,  it's a fixed/"routine" mask.

Good luck with the appeal - I hope you get something back after they treated you so terribly.

I'm in my 50s, married for 30 years - I've been consciously masking since I was 11 - putting the mask down fully is almost impossible

It is such a relief to hear other people explain making in understandable terms. I have only just received my diagnosis (yesterday). Although it was a relief to finally have a proper explanation for this feeling I have always had that I am not the same as everyone else. 

In my new job working with a lot of autistic children I am able to be more open about being on the spectrum, but because I mask so well people are often shocked when I say that I am on the spectrum. 

I can only really be the real me, the train wreck when I am on my own. Even my wife doesn't get to see the real me. She see's the least filtered version of me but the masking is so ingrained and entrenched.

I don't have a formal diagnosis. I don't know how much I mask as I think it's so ingrained into me. I do know that two weeks ago I was at a friends house and our mum's met for the first time. Hers speaks only a little English. We have been good friends for years. My friend is very bubbly so this brings out my social side and any mishaps are probably not even noticed. I enjoyed the afternoon and felt uplifted.  However, I came away feeling a big like a "phony"... like I would be "found out" at any moment (exactly what would be found out I don't know) or that I was an imposter, a charlatan. That I was wearing a mask.  This is a reason I think I'm on the spectrum. 

I'm naturally good at mirroring others' mannerisms. So with her I'm quite "giggly" if you can call it that. Whereas with my friend I met today, we had a laugh but she isn't a giggler so it didn't happen.

It’s very unreasonable.  I will be appearing my dismissal.

I always found masking to be essential to working in an office environment, which I've done for most of my career.  Firstly, in order to get the job, I'd have to pretend to be what i thought was the ideal person for the role.  I'd then have to step back into that role quite frequently whilst in the job too, particularly at what seemed like critical times like office meetings, canteen lunches, appraisals, work outings, training courses etc (basically anything where the social element stepped up a notch). 

Being undiagnosed, for most of that time I thought i was hiding and managing my anxiety and that, eventually eventually, I would become desensitised.  this took way longer than I was anticipating, though, and I also slipped backwards quite a lot and had to retreat.  Basically i burnt out because the mask was too hard to maintain and had to invent acceptable excuses not to do things.  NB being too nervous or exhausted was not seen as an acceptable excuse.  "Normal" acceptable excuses included everyday mishaps, misfortunes and accidents (e.g. car or house related) or unrelated minor illnesses like diarrhoea (an excuse to hide in the toilets for an hour)  or flu (just happening to coincide with a presentation which i was "really looking for ward to and all the powerpoint work and notes are ready to go", all said in a very croaky voice).  Sooner or later, i'd have to leave though, and the cycle would start again. 

The problem was always that I felt unappointable as myself, and yet I needed the income and felt i was, at least on paper, very qualified.  I didn't understand the real source of the mismatch.  For decades I though this was all due to an isolated upbringing and social anxiety and i just needed to persevere.  

I mask like crazy - I provide the user interface of a very bright, enthusiastic, helpful, jolly nice chap.    I suspect that NTs see this as someone they can use - they judge me to be inferior - less of an Alpha.    This gets me accepted very easily at face value.    Once in, I can hide quite well until the chaos, contradictions, lies and general BS confuse me so much that I can't function.     I'm lucky that in most jobs I've worked alone so my interactions with everyone were limited.

Under close scrutiny, I can't keep it up - and then my annoying superpower or reflecting people's true nature back on themselves causes difficulties.    No-one likes to see what a horrible person they are.

So no-one has completely different abilities?  like I had severe sound phobia as a child, we didn't know I had autism back in the 70's. When I quite by accident experienced temporary deafness and was given haring aids I found it such a relief to a) not been able to hear as much and b) be able to mute everything further by leaving hearing aids switched off (unless I wanted the walkman on via neck loop and T setting - known music was 'predictable sound' so ok).

Even after my hearing returned my outside mask/alter stayed functioning as a deaf person as I found it so much easier. It removed the expectation to speak to strangers in public like a queue in a bank in town I could sign or write things down (I had also had selective mutism as a child and a phobia of speaking at school/in public).  I still put them in to go out but leave them switched off to mute all environmental sounds otherwise I'd never be able to leave the house.

Many years later after the internet was invented I came across auditory processing disorder and realised that was my actual problem not that I couldn't hear sounds but I wasn't processing speech properly and couldn't separate it from background noise. (Eg I really struggle in families cars when they're taking me anywhere understanding them with the radio on and the car noises).

Now I see that hearing aids are being used in some cases to help kids deal with sound processing problems but they are just set up differently so the child can more easily separate speech from other noises. I also struggle with knowing which sounds are tinnitus and which are really in the environment for eg I'll wake up in middle of night convinced I can hear the boiler firing up form the bedroom, go down to the kitchen to see why the heating has come on and it hasn't , it's just the tinnitus noises. Thinking I can hear 'white noise' form the sky or DVD recorder is another common one (when they're switched off so can't be making a noise!)

I wish There'd been that understanding when I was young (I'm in my 50's now) so I didn't have to spend my whole life 'being someone else' just to 'fit in' and cope with having to go to school, college, work etc.  I've been able to take early retirement thank god due to physical issues so now all the expectations to be social and go to 'social gathering type places daily have been removed I feel I can be myself and moved out to the middle of nowhere to escape 'the rat race' and just 'be myself' for what's left of my life.

Yes - exactly. That seems really unreasonable of your employers - most office jobs could be carried out from home nowadays, at least partially. I'm sorry to hear you're being dismissed - hopefully it'll give you an opportunity to find a better, non-toxic working environment.

that's exactly how I explained it in my assessment.  I said it's not a nice feeling of falling asleep, it's like totally shutting down.  it's almost painful.  I can't stop it happening and I even if I'm not asleep my eyes are closed and I can't move.  And then I too struggle to get my energy levels back up.  I'm not allowed to work from home, I have asked.  It would have helped loads.  I'm being dismissed in a few weeks now though. 

I can relate to that - I feel like I shutdown when I get home. I have to have a bath or take a nap to recharge (even then, I struggle to get my energy levels back up). Being in a horrible office environment is hard enough, but particularly tough when you're working with unfriendly people - do you have any opportunity to work from home in your job? I work from home a couple of days a week and that's helped a little.

I know what you mean.  I think I've learnt to just internalise everything, and keep quiet and appear normal.  I was told in my assessment I probably pass out when I get home due to masking so much and trying to act normal and fit in.  When I worked part time and had more down time I wasn't so bad, but being at work in a horrible office environment every day with an unfriendly team all day every day is exhausting.

I'm definitely different at work than at home. My partner and family get to see the real me (and my close friends get to see most of me) :) Work's another story - people just wouldn't understand me if I acted like my true self. I'd say I'm still 'me' - just a filtered version. 

I do find masking exhausting - I feel so tired at the end of the day. It's like I'm constantly holding a huge part of myself back.

I have always acted slightly differently depending on who I'm with.  Like I get really uncomfortable in groups or when there's a lot of talking, and sometimes I'll try to laugh when other people do or make the right noises/gestures, when really I'm thinking I just want to get away from here.  Some of my close friends know I get really uncomfortable so in situations like that I relax a little because I know they'll talk for me, or invite me into a conversation.  I've always kept things very well hidden.  I internalise a lot, and then when I get home sometimes I just explode about my day.  Some days I get home, and if there is no one to explode to, or it's all just way too much I just completely pass out.  Since my diagnosis things are starting to externalise a bit more, like things I do in private like shake my hands a lot of tap my fingers or pace around excessively I now do in some situations.