Exposure Anxiety: How complex are your social masks?

I always found masking to be essential to working in an office environment, which I've done for most of my career.  Firstly, in order to get the job, I'd have to pretend to be what i thought was the ideal person for the role.  I'd then have to step back into that role quite frequently whilst in the job too, particularly at what seemed like critical times like office meetings, canteen lunches, appraisals, work outings, training courses etc (basically anything where the social element stepped up a notch). 

Being undiagnosed, for most of that time I thought i was hiding and managing my anxiety and that, eventually eventually, I would become desensitised.  this took way longer than I was anticipating, though, and I also slipped backwards quite a lot and had to retreat.  Basically i burnt out because the mask was too hard to maintain and had to invent acceptable excuses not to do things.  NB being too nervous or exhausted was not seen as an acceptable excuse.  "Normal" acceptable excuses included everyday mishaps, misfortunes and accidents (e.g. car or house related) or unrelated minor illnesses like diarrhoea (an excuse to hide in the toilets for an hour)  or flu (just happening to coincide with a presentation which i was "really looking for ward to and all the powerpoint work and notes are ready to go", all said in a very croaky voice).  Sooner or later, i'd have to leave though, and the cycle would start again. 

The problem was always that I felt unappointable as myself, and yet I needed the income and felt i was, at least on paper, very qualified.  I didn't understand the real source of the mismatch.  For decades I though this was all due to an isolated upbringing and social anxiety and i just needed to persevere.  

I always found masking to be essential to working in an office environment, which I've done for most of my career.  Firstly, in order to get the job, I'd have to pretend to be what i thought was the ideal person for the role.  I'd then have to step back into that role quite frequently whilst in the job too, particularly at what seemed like critical times like office meetings, canteen lunches, appraisals, work outings, training courses etc (basically anything where the social element stepped up a notch). 

Being undiagnosed, for most of that time I thought i was hiding and managing my anxiety and that, eventually eventually, I would become desensitised.  this took way longer than I was anticipating, though, and I also slipped backwards quite a lot and had to retreat.  Basically i burnt out because the mask was too hard to maintain and had to invent acceptable excuses not to do things.  NB being too nervous or exhausted was not seen as an acceptable excuse.  "Normal" acceptable excuses included everyday mishaps, misfortunes and accidents (e.g. car or house related) or unrelated minor illnesses like diarrhoea (an excuse to hide in the toilets for an hour)  or flu (just happening to coincide with a presentation which i was "really looking for ward to and all the powerpoint work and notes are ready to go", all said in a very croaky voice).  Sooner or later, i'd have to leave though, and the cycle would start again. 

The problem was always that I felt unappointable as myself, and yet I needed the income and felt i was, at least on paper, very qualified.  I didn't understand the real source of the mismatch.  For decades I though this was all due to an isolated upbringing and social anxiety and i just needed to persevere.